31 horror movies.  One for each day in October.  How hard can it be….

Story: A gal with a fantastic set of cantaloupes (and hey, her boobs ain’t bad either, bada-bing!) gets tired of doing the same-ol’ thing, hosting Z-grade horror movies on the local cable access channel.  What she really wants is…Vegas.  But she needs money, so when a long-lost Great Aunt dies, leaving Elvira everything.  When Elvira sees that “everything” means a run-down house, a poodle with an attitude and a cookbook, she’s less than thrilled.  But Great Uncle Vincent will pay Elvira 50 smackers for the cookbook…oh, you know that’s not Betty Crocker, right?  Seems Elvira comes from a long line of witches (big shock there).  But Elvira’s new town likes witches just about as much as the town in Footloose likes dancing.

Scares: This is Elvira, not that creepy girl in The Ring.  (Though they both have dark hair.  Coincidence?  I think not.)  I’d be shocked if a toddler got spooked.  Yeah, it’s rated PG-13, but that’s for the sexual innuendo that comes along anytime Elvira and her magic stay-on dress make an appearance.  Her jokes — and the ogling done by the neighborhood XY chromosomes — wouldn’t bat an eyelash nowadays.  Oh, there is one small monster, but to quote Charles Dickens, there’s more gravy than grave.

Splat factor: The small monster does get done in, though it’s yucky, not bloody.  Otherwise, there’s isn’t as much as a hangnail to be had here.

Trick or Treat?: No gore.  No scares.  What the hell am I doing watching this?  Because it’s a hoot!  Director James Signorelli obviously channels his time at Saturday Night Live here; the jokes are quick & dirty, perfect for our gal.  C’mon, this is friggin’ Elvira, for chrissakes.  She’s a scream, and it’s a great, fun way to start of “Shocktober” (yeah, there’ll be tons of stupid Halloween and October puns here folks.  Sorry.)  It’s great to see the gal I looked up to in the 80’s strut her stuff, though even now Cassandra Peterson is still one hot tamale of terror.  I can only hope I look as good…next year as she does at 60.  Anyway, it’s always nice to have a few kid-friendly movies just in case the tykes didn’t pass out after the 10 packets of Lik-M-Aid they scarfed down after a full night of shaking down the neighbors for candy.  The kids will love Elvira’s wild antics and cool pooch, while the adults will drool, elbow each other and remember when.

Score: 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Surprisingly apt for Elvira.