Atomic Fangirl

“What TF did I just watch?” [me, as the end credits rolled]

Story: Young Catherine lives with her abusive, drunken father in a run-down ruin of what was once a great house. One night, dad brings home a young boy that Cathy names Heathcliff. Over the years, they do the friends-to-lovers thing, all the while pranking each other and such. But then one day Cathy decides being poor sucks, and heads over to the wealthy neighbors to see what’s up. When Cathy decides to marry the wealthy neighbor, Heathcliff does not take it well. He leaves, then returns, rich as hell. Heathcliff and Cathy decide to do the adultery everywhere, and then one day Cathy dies. Heathcliff is sad. And that’s the classic tale you’ve heard about. Yep. Sure it is.

Genre I’d put it in: Bastardized Classics
Release Date: 2026
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the novel of the same name by Emily Brontë. Allegedly. Like, they used the title of the novel, the characters, and the idea that this was supposed to be a story in the Romantic genre.

Gotta say: I’ve never particularly liked Wuthering Heights, the novel. I always thought of myself as one of those readers who just didn’t get it. The characters are assholes, the story is a goddamn mess of who’s with whom and in what family, and while the ending is relatively happy (at least to my horror loving mind)? It’s not a fun read. But after watching this Heights? I think I might have to give the novel another try. After this “imagining”, I think I might actually fall in love with the damn thing.

“I gotchu. It’s okay. I gotchu.”

Story: Mason lives alone in a lighthouse, and he likes it that way. No matter how often young Jesse tries to befriend him, Mason ignores her kindness. But when a vicious storm hits, leaving her uncle and his boat pulled under and Jesse on the brink of death, Mason saves her. Hooray! Though her foot is infected from the storm. Boo! So he goes to the mainland to get her Neosporin. Yay! And then the folks that Mason has been hiding from find out where he is thanks to way too many monitored cameras. Oh no…

Genre I’d put it in:
Release Date: 2026
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original:

Gotta say: As soon as I see Jason Statham helmijg a film, I immediately think “Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun.” (Just pretend Meg 2 doesn’t exist. I’ve been doing it for years.) Shelter isn’t the adrenaline rush of some of Statham’s earlier work, but for this wintry time of year, the season works perfectly to help you feel the chill and solitude of the main characters.

A blend of Léon: The Professional, Man on Fire, and John Wick, mixed with vibes from samurai stories like Lone Wolf and Cub, Shelter is better than it’s familiar story should be. That’s thanks to winning performances by Statham and Bodhi Rae Breathnach as on-the-run duo Mason and Jesse.

“Why are my hands so dry? Why am I so tired?” [PREACH]

Genre: Body Swap Sequels
Release Date: 2025
Where I Watched: Disney Debut

Gist:It’s been a while since we’ve seen mom Tess and daughter Anna. Quite a while; Anna’s a grown woman with a teenager of her own, and Tess is using her therapist creds to start a podcast. But when Anna falls in love with Eric, a guy that’s perfect for her, but happens to be the dad of her daughter Harper’s nemesis Lily? Let’s just say there’s one heck of a shakeup during the rehearsal party.

Gotta say: Curtis and Lohan are names that’ll get me to watch anything. (Yep. Even I Know Who Killed Me. I have a problem.) So when I saw this sequel was in the works over two decades after the 2003 original? I got excited, because I knew these two had it handled. And damn, they do.

“Insurance? Miss, do you know any musicians? We’re broke as a joke.”

Story: In Milwaukee, a man and woman meet. Sparks fly, and they get together. And they also decide to form a Neil Diamond cover band, which gets pretty darn popular. But then tragedy strikes, and things look insurmountable. But as they try to put themselves back together, music, and love, is always there.

Genre I’d put it in: Heart-wrenching Musical Biopics
Release Date: 2025
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the real life Neil Diamond cover band Lightning and Thunder (Mike Sardina, and his wife Claire), and the documentary of the same name based on their life.

Gotta say: When John Beckwith’s Eddie Vedder says “who doesn’t like Neil Diamond?” Truer Words. The singer has something for everybody, and it’s all good. From young horror nerds (see: Mike Flanagan’s Midnight Mass, which uses Diamond exclusively) to Boomers who were at OG concerts back in the day. Blue may not have that same irresistible pull as Neil, but it’s got moments of heart and bittersweet beauty that tug on the same heartstrings.