“Grab anything that might make a good weapon.”
Story: Siblings and their SOs gather at their woodsy vacay home to celebrate their parents anniversary. So girlfriend Erin tags along with older boyfriend Crispian to the festivities. But this weekend, the festivities are getting picked off one by one. Erin’s not having any of that, though.
Scares: Lots of tension and suspense. And of course the killings are chilling, even when you’re rooting for the survivors. Continue reading
“There’s no such thing as possessions, okay! That’s just something the Catholics made up to keep you coming back for more wafers!”
Story: A former rehab/juvie center had some seriously bad stuff happen back in the day. But now, the Catholic church has bought building, hoping to turn it into a youth center. But first? Teens gonna party in the old place! I’m sure nothing supernatural will happen. Hey, why are all the doors and windows locked?
Scares: Meh. Maybe for n00bs. But just goofy funtimes for horror fans. Continue reading
“Whatssup, you scared of the woods?”
Story: Four friends “since UNI” go out for a hike in Sweden, after the fifth member of their gang dies tragically. One guy twists his ankle (because there’s always that one friend), and to cut their hike short, they decide to cut through the woods instead of sticking to the trail. Great idea!
Scares: Lots.
Splat factor: Depends on what you consider splat. Lots of blood, several bodies, gutted animals strung up in trees, but almost all of it is from a distance and/or at night. Continue reading
“Panama baby – WOOOO!”
Story: A group of recent college grads go to Panama to celebrate and talk about their plans to adult. But the tourist area is so played. Let’s go into this totally restricted jungle area that’s known for lots of missing tourists! It’ll be fun, we’re so rebel! What’s that noise y’all? Y’all?
Scares: Bless its heart, this film tries. But with the sheer stupidity of these characters, even the jump scares made me giggle.
Splat factor: Discovering bodies, finding bloody friends, characters getting attacked. So, yeah there’s some. Continue reading
“Hey Jules, I think this room might actually be…”
Story: Back in the 80s, a group of young people went inside an old, supposedly haunted house to perform a seance. Only one person survived. Now, the son of a woman who knew the victims heads back to the house with a group of eager paranormal investigators. And now the police want to know what happened to them. I’m sure everything will turn out okay.
Scares: Just jump ones.
Splat factor: Eh. Black “blood”, found footage night vision murders, and someone who’s missing a tongue. Continue reading
Nutshell: Shakeycam, choker-shots and Dutch angles rule the day in this dispassionate biopic. Director Damien Chazelle tries to shove Importance down viewers throats, but only manages greatness during the awe-inspiring moon landing. I came away with a headache, and the thought that Buzz Aldren and Neil Armstrong must have been real dicks. Grade: D-
“Your daddy’s going to the moon.”
“Okay. Can I go play now?”
Story: If you believe…they put a man on the moon (MAAAAN ON THA MOOOOON)…
Genre I’d Put It In: Historical Biopics That Give Me A Headache Continue reading
“This is strange.”
Story: Small monkeys become infected with a virus that turns them into…wait for it… ZOOMBIES! (badum-tish) I sure hope they don’t get out and infect the entire zoo. What would the small crew of pre-opening staff do if that happened? *cue deaths*
Scares: Zero. Unless you count how incredibly bad this movie is.
Splat factor: Lots of CGI blood, and some cheesy Halloween store gore FX. Continue reading
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