Story: Heidi has a perfect slack-tastic life. Nighttime DJ, cute dog, nice landlady. Then she gets a creepy record sent to her. Then creepy gets all over her life. Is hell breaking loose, or is she using again?

Scares: More surreal than scary.

Splat factor: Tons of death and ooky stuff – this is a Rob Zombie joint after all – but it feels removed, distant.

Closing scene “shocker”: Not really, unless you count seeing a weird, flailing parsnip baby as shocking. Then again I’d mentally tuned out long before then. There’s end credits stuff to be had though.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul): An original Zombie story.

Trick or Treat?: Um. The Lords of Salem has great ideas, and mucho atmospheric mayhem. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come together very well. Not that Zombie doesn’t try. This film glows with genre star power; Dee” The Howling” Wallace, Bruce “X Men” Davidson, Sid Haig,

Here’s the good stuff. DJs dancing to Give It To Me Baby. Great getting to know you scene, with believable banter between the DJs. Zombie has a way with characters, almost as if they’re unfolding in their own time. Sherri Moon Zombie is the only white chick that can not only rock the dreads, but look good doing it.

Kind of a Rosemary’s Baby Meets The Wicker Man (the original, not the Cage version, ick) vibe, with Heidi the unknowing innocent. But I couldn’t get into it wholeheartedly. The moments of acid tripping craziness ripped me right out of the story, and before I knew it, I was checking Candy Crush. Damn that game is crack.

I know this movie could have been a modern classic. But it’s a beautiful mess that is sure to please Rob Zombie fans, but few others. I’ve heard that the companion novelization of this film explains a lot, but for me, if you need to explain your story of you’ve hiccuped somewhere down the line.

Score: 2 out of 5 pumpkins.