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Story: A little boy has night terrors, convinced “they” are out to get him. And then they do. All grown up — and apparently alive after that attack — he tries to warn childhood friend Julia, someone who also dealt with night terrors. Seems there are things out there that come after people who have these terrors. But will she believe him? Of course she won’t. Until They come after her….

Scares: There are several fun spooky moments, but the overall plot is a dull mess of Nightmare on Elm Street and Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.  Emphasis on mess.

Splat factor: Zero. This movie may have monsters that want to eat you, but they’re not messy (irony!) And they eat off-camera.

Closing scene “shocker”: It’s not unexpected, but it still qualifies as a gotcha.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul): The boogeyman tropes are old, but the film is original.

Trick or Treat?: A great start, hazy iffy middle, and tons of boring scenes before the typical crazy hyper climax. In other words, the usual Craven storyboard. What sets it apart are scenes filled with genuine shocks and creepy craziness.  Sadly, even the well-done creep doesn’t set They too far apart from Craven’s new millennium of barely average films.

The opening scene was great, in an “I remember being scared like that” kinda way. Well, maybe not exactly like that, but still, the little kid scaries are all present and accounted for: spooky closet, fears of what’s under the bed, flashlights that can save the world, etc. Craven pulls these out of childhood and into Real Life, with brilliant results. When the lights dim, things get really creepy; these particular scenes are some of the best Craven has done in quite a while.

However, great spooky scenes can’t save a film that doesn’t believe in its own story. I checked the film’s Wikipedia page 39 minutes in, after all anyone could say was either “they’re coming” or “I don’t believe you”. Yawn. Then there’s Julia, who has seen what happens to others, who knows how this whole thing works…and still does stupid stuff. All I could do is shrug after awhile.

If you’re lucky enough to get your hands on the Japanese DVD, there are scenes that help the flow of the film but were cut from the American release (probably because I don’t know why). There’s also an alternate ending that would have really put some oomph into the story, but it’s only available on the Blu-ray version.  It’s a pity that the crazy-cool scares are saddled with so much flat-out crazy.  I’d say that the story is incoherent, but it’s actually quite simple:

And that’s all there is to this story. Sadly.

If you’re down for trying to watch the creepy and don’t mind FF-ing through the yawns, enjoy. Otherwise, re-watch Freddy. At least he knows what he’s doing.

Score: 

2 out of 5 pumpkins.