I’m not what one would consider a girly-girl.  But I have a hidden weakness for really bad chick flicks.  Or what others consider really bad, because I think they’re awesome.  Movies like The Holiday, When In Rome and Maid In Manhattan?  Love ‘em.  The unbelievable stories, sticky-sweet “meet cute” moments, and utterly implausible happy endings are like crack to my little brain.  Still, I wasn’t particularly excited about heading to see The Lucky One.  Because there’s good-bad movies, and there are bad-bad movies (All About Steve, Kate and Leopold? I’m talking about you.)  I worried this newest entry into the Nicholas Sparks cannon would be a complete suckfest.  Why?  Anytime there’s a teen heartthrob trying to be a “real man” now that he’s post-puberty, it doesn’t particularly work well. So the film ends up falling out of the fun-for-a-goof category and lands smack dab in the middle of Movies To Pity.

The Lucky One starts out with an extreme wide shot, as a small boat chugs along the reedy waterways of Nowheresville, Louisiana.  Zac Efron’s voice floats over the scene, and I second-guessed my decision not to have a few beers to deaden the pain I was certain to endure.  Then a strange thing happened.  The Lucky One started to grow on me.  And so what started out as a movie I figured I’d need to be blotto to endure turned into a guilty pleasure.  Nobody is as shocked as I am at this turn of events.

Story?  Yeah, it’s got one.  Young, hot Logan pulled three tours of duty in Iraq, and is finally back in the States after surviving some pretty horrible things.  He credits his survival to a photo he found in a pile of rubble, the photo of a gorgeous blond girl inscribed with the words “Stay Safe”.  When he gets back home to Colorado, he decides to find her and thank her.  He finds the lighthouse that is in the background of the photo…so he walks from Colorado to Louisiana.  Yes, walks.  With his faithful (and let’s face it, adorable) german shepherd by his side.  This is a man on a mission y’all.  And it goes to prove that this film will be all about perfect, flawless people finding each other.  Will Logan tell Beth the real reason he’s come to Louisiana, or will it all blow up in his face?  Ah grasshopper, that’s an easy one to guess.

These characters are made-to-order flawless.  From the moment we meet Logan’s photo gal Beth, stepping out of the shine of the setting sun and into his heart, moviegoers should be prepared for one thing: you will see every bit of this movie coming at you like a freight train.  There will be no surprises here folks.  This is romance paint-by-numbers, like the best/worst Harlequin pulp you’ve never read.  The movie looks like a “Cotton: the fabric of our lives” commercial as done by Lifetime Television.  Logan is a philosopher king, a Marine who plays piano, reads philosophy and loves to lose at chess to Beth’s adorable son Ben.  Beth is positively angelic; here’s a woman who works with animals, has a job teaching at the local Montessori school, and looks like she’s stepped out of a J.Jill catalog.  “Nana” Ellie (played by the always wonderful Blythe Danner) is the grandmother you wish you had.  Sure, in order to have a granddaughter that’s in her early/mid 20s, Ellie probably gave birth to her own kids when she was 10 years old, but no matter.  Ellie is just the right amount of crazy, crazy loyal, and crazy wise.  Beth’s young son Ben is never moody, wise beyond his years, and cherubic.  If you don’t see “Happily Ever After” in a big neon sign above these folks, you be trippin’.

As with all romances, there’s a big problem, and in this film it’s Beth’s ex.  You see, she got preggers by the high school quarterback…and then divorced him after figuring out that the guy was a total dickbag.  He’s played with glorious eeeeevil aplomb by Jay R. Ferguson (Mad Men), but even this complete douche has a back-story.  You see, his mommy and daddy are too hung up on daddy’s political aspirations to focus on their little boy.  No wonder he turned out so bad.  Poor, poor dear.  Halfway in I was already trying to figure out how Sparks and screenwriter Will Fetters would be killing him off.  Because with a story like this, the ending has gotta be farting rainbows, unicorns and puppies.  No bad guys allowed, sunshine and flowers forevah!

With all that freakish perfection and a too-twee plotline, it’s a wonder how anyone could sit through this.  Yet it’s not only a movie you can sit through, as light fluff it’s darn entertaining.  Director Scott Hicks has a delicate touch with over-the-top characters; his work on Shine and No Reservations made these movies more than just stories about strange foibles in quirky human packaging.  Here, he takes Nicholas Sparks’ typical too good to be true characters and gives them a breath of life.  The actors give their all, and seem to enjoy what they’re doing (especially Taylor Schilling, who as Beth actually gets paid to feel up some prime High School Musical backside.  Nice work if you can get it.)

Listen, this movie ain’t no Oscar contender.  The Lucky One is cheese, pure and simple.  But it’s darn enjoyable cheese.  It’s like that full-cream brie you’ve been eying in the supermarket; you know it’s not particularly good for you, you know that afterwards you’ll feel sick about indulging.  But if you give in and go for it, you’ll have a deliciously good time.