Story: Ellie has it all; a great job, a cute boyfriend, and a brother that keeps her grounded. But when she and her brother get in a car accident, things go from good to gross when they both get bit by a strange dog. Hey, that’s no dog!

Scares: Not really.

Splat factor: Not really.

Closing scene “shocker”?: There are a few climaxes toward the end of this film, but the final ending nails things down.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: It’s a Wes Craven original, though the werewolf has been around a while.

Trick or Treat?: Cursed was a film I was dying to go see when it was first announced. But then the delays started.  And I got worried.  A year later, and I finally got to see the finished product… and I was nonplussed.  Probably because with the Scream combination of Craven and Kevin Williamson, I was hoping for a real throwdown.  Instead?  I got a film that is horror in name only.  The cliches are here, the werewolf canon is here, everything is in place…except the scares.  It’s as if Williamson made a list of what he wanted to put in the screenplay, and then Craven said “cool — roll film!”

On a new viewing, I liked it better, but still was butthurt.  I should get over it, but I’m still majorly bummed about what could have been with this film.  Problems?  Let me show you them.

• The transformation scene, which is supposed to be the big reveal, but ends up looking like a SyFy outtake. That could be due to the 9 year old FX though.  Moving on…
• All the times FX wasn’t even used when it really should have been.  Brains blown out the back of a werewolf’s head, and they’re all over the floor in a bloody mess.  But when the wolf is human again? No blood, no outlying brains. Nada. Squeaky clean nekkid human.
• Werewolf negging!  Can’t Williamson come up with something for a werewolf to say to a human besides stuff that sounds like it’s from a Dating Tips for Losers symposium?
• The super werewolf strength is crazy too – flying stunts aren’t choreographed well enough, hitting-the-mark-wise. When the least push sends someone flying off to slam into a wall, and there’s no rhyme or reason as to why the flies off at a 90 degree angle from the original punch?  Yeah.
• Zipper the dog’s transformation scene — batshit crazy and a total CGI embarrassment.  One minute he’s a fluffy, adorable ginger-colored golden retriever, and the next he’s morphed into a wolf with dyed tips.  I’m so embarassed for ol’ Zip.
• Too many lines spoken too seriously. Trying way too hard with the red herrings.  Everything.  Is.  So.  Weighty.  Or, they were coached by Bill Shatner.  Either way, it’s off-putting outside of the Starship Enterprise.

The good part?  A ton of fun throwback peeks at current stars….Jesse Eisenberg, Milo Ventimiglia, Joshua Jackson, the always awesome Judy Greer (if you haven’t seen The Hebrew Hammer, find it.  Now.)  Special peek at RON SWANSON, and and uncredited Michael “Lex Luthor” Rosenbaum and his really horrible wig (he’s uncredited in this film; smart guy.) And let’s not forget the 90s funtimes: Bowing for Soup performs! Portia DeRossi, with dreads! Shannen Elizabeth!  (Hey, this could be a double-feature with Night of the Demons!)

Score:

3 out of 5 pumpkins.  I wouldn’t flat-out recommend it, but I would watch it again on those “not feeling like a scary horror movie” nights.  Because I sometimes like a film where I don’t have to worry about being scared.  Though Rosenbaum’s wig is pretty terrifying all on it’s own.