Story: Some guy is getting married to some rich chick. Why not have a bachelor party boat trip? And why not dock on an island not on the map, where a secret biohazard research team is working on the cure for a disgusting, fatal disease? Par-tay – let’s go swimming!

Scares: To quote the title, Zero.

Splat factor: It’s a Cabin Fever story. So yes. Tons.

Closing scene “shocker”: Of course.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul): Third film in the Cabin Fever franchise, though it’s supposed to be a prequel.

Trick or Treat: Patient Zero is one helluva disappointment. Sure, the gore is groovy, but the build-up is nothing more than filler to pad the film til the gore can show up. It’s textbook PWP (“Plot, What Plot”). People do stupid stuff when they should know better, nobody thinks to seek treatment for strange symptoms; rather than a coherent story, it’s Plague, Inc., the Movie. Except it’s a lot less entertaining.

Patient Zero (Sean Astin, slummin’ it) is a complete dick. He watched his son “melt” due to the virus he’s carrying, but does he want to help save others, including his wife? Absolutely not. He just wants out. Meanwhile, researchers that have training in sterile containment? Walk into quarantine without HAZMAT suits, get blood puked onto them, and run out of the unit covered in blood. For once, I’d like to see trained researchers actually act like intelligent…trained researchers. Sigh.

The bachelor party dudes are nothing but walking punchlines that do all the usual wrong things. And the token “cool girl” has the usual unrequited love of the bachelor, and only tells him on his bachelor party boat trip. Yawn. But that’s okay; she won’t be alive for much longer. Neither will any of the others. Spoiler Alert! Except not really, as this is a prequel, so we all know they’re doomed.

I just wish Patient Zero made me give at least half a fuck about any of these characters, or the outcome.

Score:
.5 out of 5 pumpkins. For the gore.