So many ways to get stuff over to your humble abode. From groceries to geekery, maple syrup to movies. But what about getting you out of a rough spot? Well, I’ve just found out about Man Crates, “The Most Awesome Gifts in the World”. Hey, these gifts for men (though I think women can get on this too) come in an actual crate, and have to be opened by an actual crowbar! I’m digging that.
The folks at Man Crates asked me what I’d put into a crate for an Essential Horror Movie Survival Kit. Hey, I’m the gal that knows you don’t run from the killer, you hide and make that creepy thing come to you where you’ve got the high ground. So, what would I put into my Horror Movie Crate? Easy. I’ve got a Top 10 handy.
Read on for my list, and a groovy bit of info from Man Crates on how they’d survive as well!
1) DAT CROWBAR THO‘: Seriously. You need a crowbar to pry open that Man Crate? Save that crowbar, people! You never know when you’ll need it. From bashing in walker brains to scaring off ghosts (that crowbar is iron, right?), a crowbar is perfect for surviving a number of possible horror scenarios. And you don’t have to worry about the safety, or running out of ammo.
2) Sunscreen: Yes, that vampire is probably gonna go into stealth mode when the clocks strike midnight. But wandering the cemetery in peak daytime hours to stake that creep before nightfall is gonna do wonders for your farmer’s tan unless you goop up. You don’t want to be able to find and dig up that casket, only to be unable to swing a sledgehammer into that stake because you’ve got a killer sunburn. And then there’s all the that time in the woods avoiding chainsaws, children of the corn, or other open-air dangers, with the sun set to broil…and you’re too busy being uncomfortable instead of focusing on avoiding that strange family in the hills. Suddenly, you’re a statistic instead of sticking around through the end credits.
3) Black jeans and a black shirt: How many times have you watched a horror movie and seen the I’ll Be Right Back Girl go running into the woods in her whities? Might as well ring a dinner bell, darlin’. Dudes, don’t go running into the woods in your tighties. (At least go boxer briefs. Poison ivy is not your friend.) Channel your inner Johnny Cash and go all black, all covered. Blend in. Boom.
4) Now THAT’S a knife: No namby-pamby Swiss Army job for top-notch survival. Give me a knuckle knife, aka the 1918 WWI Trench Knife. Full tang, heavy pommel that can double as a makeshift hammer, complete with sheath that houses a sharpening stone. You can end a walker, defend from a psycho, or just punch out that obnoxious side character that really needs to stop screaming right now. What? Survival baby. He’ll walk that off later.
5) Glorch: Otherwise known as hand sanitizer. I call it glorch because that’s the sound it makes when it comes out of the tube. You know I’m right. Cleaning your hands after smearing zombie guts over yourself so you can blend, disinfecting a cut that looks really bad but your stuck in the woods hiding from a serial killer instead of in the ER, or just treating your sweaty overtaxed feet after 5 hours of outrunning monsters? Plus, it’s easy to cart around with you, and you never know when someone in your doomed party is gonna sneeze. You don’t need to worry about germs when Jason is hot on your tuchas.
6) Heavy-duty boots: Sure, those alligator cowpatty stompers are on fleek, but grab those breathable leather boots with enough flex to keep you comfortable regardless of the terrain. Anything park rangers stomp around in will set you right. Just keep it simple, in case you need to run. Ever run in Timbs or CATs? Ever run in ’em further than a block? Yeah.
7) Zip-ties: duct tape is awesome. We all know this. But trying to get that stuff unrolled and unstuck can be a bear even on your best day. So when it’s getting dark and you’re trying to detain a werewolf before the howling starts? Or maybe when you need to stop that gusher from when Jason lopped off your BFFs hand? Yeah. Zip-tie. A big ol’ bouquet of those suckers. And speaking of furries…
8) Something silver: Of course Faith is all important with man vampire and werewolf films, but that doesn’t mean silver won’t burn ’em. So be it a cross, star of David, fork or thick chain, get yourself something. Don’t go plated; this is when you want to make sure your silver doens’t flake off…
9) Energy bars: Don’t punk out in the middle of your horror movie. Make sure you’ve got the energy to run, battle and/or go from room to room looking for those friends of yours that suddenly went missing. Dried fruit is yummy, but energy bars are more compact, and individually wrapped.
10) H20: Be it Zombpocalypse, a trek to Transylvania, climbing up the top of the Empire State Building with a huge gorilla, or trying to outwit a slasher, water is your friend. Best bet? Some sort of backpack-y hydration system, so you’re not off-balance trying to lug bottles of Dasani.
Honorable Mention goes to an army surplus web belt and a few SMALL pouches. one for your energy bars, one for your glorch, a sheath for your knife and a carabiner for your zip ties.
Just in case you need more ideas for your own survival kit, check out the 411 from the folks at Man Crates. They’ve come up with a few things I hadn’t, like a phone charger, a reliable vehicle and “Monster Kryptonite Kit” complete with holy water, garlic and all the usual monster-repeller subjects. Love it!
I also love their “10 Commandments Of The Horror Film World” (especially #6. BE NICE. Has Road House taught you nothing?)
Now get out there and be safe everyone! Just because it’s Halloween Month doesn’t mean you can’t survive past the 31st…