Story: Vampire meets girl. Vampire loses girl ’cause she dies horribly. Repeat every 22 years. The unlife sucks ’til he can break his Groundhog Day streak of bad romantic luck.

Scares: This is about as scary as Dracula: Dead and Loving It, but with a younger, non-Leslie Nielsen vampiric lead.  It’s also a musical, did I mention that yet?

Splat factor: Not a drop.  Apparently they all drink on the D.L.  Plus, Ralph the vampire — yes, that’s his name, and it must make Bill over in Bon Temps feel a lot better — gets sick at the sight of blood.

Closing scene “shocker”?: None.  Yayz!

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: A vampire comedy musical?  You know of any others?  No seriously; if you do holla.  I’m dying to know.

Trick or Treat?: This is just pure, unadulterated camp.  Think fun, gooshy sicky-sweet gummi brains.  Yummy, but you don’t really want certain people to know you like ’em.  But screw that, just invite your cool friends over and give this a watch.  You love the 80s?  So does this movie!  There’s Toni Basil, Bo Diddly, Thomas Dolby, and Dean Cameron (from one of my favorite 80s no-guilt pleasure, Summer School) as the hapless Ralph/Rockula.  Even though the sound mixing is terrible (they didn’t think to ask Dolby for a hand with this?) and the singing is so-so at best from our hero and heroine, a few of the music numbers are actually half decent.  And you haven’t lived ’til you’ve seen Bo Diddly in black and yellow spandex with bumblebee deelyboppers on his head.  Pop it on for your friends and it’s cool retro camp, and if kiddies stumble onto it there’s nothing you’ll have to explain your way out of.  And you know you wanna see a vampire dressed like Flavor Flav rap his everlovin’ fangs off.

Score:  out of 5 pumpkins.