It’s been a given that Tim Burton has a way with strange material.  Edward Scissorhands, The Corpse Bride, Alice In Wonderland, all are wonderfully dark confections.  But he’s had his share of duds, bless his heart.  I’m still trying to get over Ape-braham Lincoln in his Planet of the Apes flop re-do.  But I love me some Dark Shadows — used to run home after school to catch the repeats when I was a kid —  and the idea of Burton & Depp paying a loving homage to this crazy, creepy soap opera sounded like a perfect fit.  Ah, I was so young and full of hope.

Whazzat?  That huge CLAAAANG you heard was the hollow, leaden plot clunking down with a loud bang. It’s as if Burton and Depp had a great idea…and then decided the idea alone would be awesome.  Fun in parts, yes.  But awesome?  Not so much.  It’s like a chocolate easter bunny; beautiful to look at, delightful at the start, but then you get to the empty heart of it and all you’re left with is a funky aftertaste and a wish for something more.

Here’s the story: in 1720 Barnabas Collins was a rich kid from Liverpool that moved to the States with his parents.  The already wealthy Collins clan made tons of money, and Barnabas caught the eye of the lovely servant girl Angelique Bouchard (played with scenery-chewing glee by Casino Royale‘s Eva Green).  But Barnabas only had eyes for Josette DuPres (Bella Heathcote, In Time), which made Angelique go all witchy on their asses.  Soon enough, Josette jumps off a cliff and Barnabas becomes a vampire so his anguish can last for all eternity.  Cut to 1972, and the coffin Angelique chained Barnabas into gets opened up, and out pops a famised vamp.  Angelique, still alive and making what’s left of Barnabas’ family absolutely miserable.  Oh, and Victoria, the new governess at Collinswood is a dead ringer for Josette….

The biggest problem with Dark Shadows is that I didn’t give a damn about any of these characters. Burton flits from groovy idea to groovy idea, never stopping on anything long enough for viewers to form a connection.  If the film suddenly turned into a splatterfest I wouldn’t have cared a bit if the entire family Collins bit it.  We’re supposed to root for the family because they’re the one’s we’re supposed to root for.  Make sense?  Yeah, me neither.  At 113 minutes, there’s a lot packed into this film.  Unfortunately, it’s all shoehorned in, rather than connected in any meaningful way.

The entire raison d’être in Dark Shadows can be summed up by “Hey look; it’s another weirdo!”  Characters are trotted out, then shuffled away so the next bit of Madcap Adventure can commence.  That’s a pity, because there are some great actors here, and they’re doing their absolute best to breathe life into the film.  Chloë Grace Moretz is Carolyn Stoddard, daughter of Michelle Pfeiffer’s Elizabeth Collins Stoddard. Pfeiffer gets some decent screen time, but poor Moretz is left to do nothing more than pout and run out of camera range.  That’s a shame, because in Let Me In Moretz has more than shown her ability to handle creepy.  Moretz’s acting chops will be put to much better use as the new Carrie White in the Carrie remake.  Jackie Earle Haley (Watchmen), a great character actor to watch anytime he’s onscreen, doesn’t get to do much more than make faces for the camera.

As Barnabas Collins, Johnny Depp is fun to watch as he gets his bearings in his new century, but even Depp’s considerable onscreen charm can’t fill in the gaping holes where the plot should be.  Before long, he too is just a character dancing around a great idea with no steam behind it and the lines he’s spouting sometimes seem to be caught in his throat as if he’s ashamed to utter them.  And Helena Bonham Carter is the funky drunk shrink, though beyond her love of pop-art fashion she’s only freaky because her hair is bright orange.  Hey, how weird, right?  Yeah, whatever.

Screenwriters — and I use the term loosely here — John August and Seth Grahame-Smith ought to be ashamed of themselves.  Sure, they were able to cram a whole lot of Dark Shadows soap opera history into under two hours, but it feels like a heavy-handed mishmosh of ideas and quick cuts from scene to scene.  Even scenes that are jam-packed with action, like the hate-sex makeout session between Barnabas and Angelique, feels unsatisfying.  There’s a werewolf tossed in at the end, and instead of being a punch of awesome, it comes off as silly and unnecessary.  I actually cringed for the actor playing the transformed human (I’ll save you from spoilers by not mentioning who).  Huge kudos to the FX department though, because said werewolf is absolutely rockin’.

What else is rockin’ is the art direction.  When Burton goes in on something, he goes all in, and it shows up in sets, costumes and props that had me lusting for Pucci prints, day-glo tights and groovy music posters.  This movie is definitely a treat for the eyes, hands down.  The special effects and sound department should stand up and take a bow (especially the Foley artist that absolutely nailed the sound of a fish sliding down a car windshield).  Kudos also to jewelry designer (and sis-in-law to Michelle) Rona Pfeiffer for designing some very stylish 70’s gothic pieces for the film.  They’ve already received tons of positive buzz.  Add me to the buzzing.

Burton gets big bonus points for casting Christopher Lee and Alice Cooper.  Even though these are really just cameos, they’re the most enjoyable parts of the film.  Lee and Cooper inject a sly wink and bit of nostalgia that classes up the joint.  Pity they couldn’t have been in every scene.

Dark Shadows has me worried that Tim Burton may be running out of ways to make his brilliant ideas into enjoyable films.  Don’t worry Tim; I’m still dying to see Frankenweenie.  But until then I’ll be back to Dan Curtis & Johnathan Frid.