Story:  In 1982, a bunch of high school kids got killed.  Flash forward a handful of years, and a film crew head to the high school where those murders took place, and try to film a movie.  One by one, the cast and crew get picked off.  Or maybe it’s just part of the movie?  Or maybe it’s a flashback?  Aw dammit, who can tell with this one. There’s not enough peyote in the world that would help anyone understand this story.

Scares: Maybe one, if you get a good look at George Clooney’s bouffant hairdo. (This is his first film.  Everybody’s gotta start somewhere.) But otherwise you’ll either see a death coming a mile away, or you’ll be so deadened by strange present/past/movie set/dream sequences that nothing would shock you.

Splat factor: Tons of the red stuff when there’s a killing, or when there’s a “present day” scene with bodies on the ground.  But the blood looks fake — check out how Maureen McCormick’s Officer Tyler.  Her chest isn’t covered in stuff that looks like blood, it’s dyed red from the food coloring.

Closing scene “shocker”?: Um. Well. Uh. I guess you could call it a shocker. More like a totally expected twist that made me shrug.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Original, though as this is a satire it’s got tons of shout outs to the usual cliches.

Trick or Treat?: A satire rather than a horror movie, Return to Horror High is a typical low-budget late 80s clunker that only got popular once the world realized that George Clooney is hot.  It was filmed in 1987, but the movie feels like a throwback to the 70s.  Maureen McCormick! Philip McKeon! It’s 70s-tastic up in here! And the FX is just as retro, but without the cool factor.  Guess there’s very little you can do with $15.95 and a gum wrapper.

Oh, and let’s not forget the usual 80s horror movie bad acting. It’s especially cheesy, but that could be because the script is 100% nonsense.  It feels as if the writers zero fucks about trying to tell a coherent story, and instead tried to figure out the worst way to simply string a handful of satirical comments together.  It’s not particularly funny, it’s definitely not scary, and it’s so strange it goes from cool to weird to oh-hell-what-now by the time things start ramping up.  But actually, it’s tough to figure out when things start ramping up, because of the strange story construction.  Everyone’s dead.  We go back to when it all started.  Then we go back to when the original murders started.  Then everyone’s dead.  Then people start dying.  Then everyone’s dead.  Then it’s a movie scene.  Then it’s a dream scene.  Then I downed the rest of my glass of wine and poured another.  To the rim.

Return to Horror High gets the award for the absolute worst sex scene I’ve ever watched.  Yes, I’m even counting the pool-slam in Showgirls.  Two folks are getting it on, and as they’re having under-the-covers fun, we’re also treated to cut-aways to a group of guys welding, and various shots of children’s drawings.  Why?  Because the director was apparently going through therapy or something during the shoot.  And it wasn’t working.

A perfect movie to watch when you’re sick with the flu and hopped up on Nyquil, or to recommend to people you don’t like very much.

Score: 

1.5 out of 5 pumpkins.  Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.  Just no.  It gets an extra half-pumpkin for the fun poster. It’s the best part of this clunker.