31 in 31- Knock ’em Dead

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Oct 7 knock em dead“I’m sorry.  I only like four-legged bitches.”

Story: 2003 saw a blockbuster horror movie. Ten years later, the three leads put aside their mutual hatred for a sequel on the same island where they filmed the first one. But before cameras roll, people start dying…and hey, there’s no way to get off the island!

Scares: The horror that only comes from knowing you’re watching complete crap.

Splat factor: A splash of red here and there. Everything happens off camera.

Closing scene “shocker”?: Only that this movie got made in the first place.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: One and only. Thank God.

Trick or Treat?: A film made in 2014 that feels like 80s schlock. Lord love an ax murder, but the acting is horrible in the prologue sequence. Cold readings from high school students would be better. A sad attempt at a Scream opening scene sets the crappy pace. “Who’s there?” Bye, Felicia.

The three divas are played by Rae Dawn Chong, Anne-Marie Johnson & Omarosa. Christopher Judge (Stargate SG-1) is the vain, self-important director, with Jackée as his foil. They all try their best, but it comes off as a weird mash of ham and half-hearted attempts at treating this story seriously. I blame a director that doesn’t seem to be able to maintain an overall tone.

Perhaps if the film decided if it was a spoof or a serious piece that would have helped. Pity, as there are moments – incredibly brief ones – where the three leads work perfectly together, and the chemistry between them is superb. Then the film gets right back to sucking.

With this crapfest, director David DeCoteau makes his earlier schlockies look like award winners. (Granted, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is pretty kickass.)

Score: 1 out of 5 pumpkins. A pity pumpkin for the bits of catty dialogue pulled off to a T, which showed what the film could have been.  Pity it was completely destroyed by horrible direction.

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