“A squirrel just said good morning to me…. What do you say to a squirrel?”

Story: Welcome to the Kingdom of Rosas! Here, our King is a magnificent sorcerer that can grant wishes! Just give him your wish on your 18th birthday – or as soon as you enter the kingdom if you’re older – and he will keep it safe for you, until he grants it. Maybe grants it. Soon-to-be 18 year old Asha isn’t sure about that, after she interviews to become his appretice. So she wishes in secret. A wish so powerful it…but I’m getting ahead of myself. Hey, talking mushrooms!

Genre I’d put it in: Lackluster Disney Offerings
Release Date: 2023
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Original, but shamelessly rips off harks back to Disney films like Tangled, Frozen, and Pocahontas.

Gotta say: Wish feels like a throwback to the Bronze Age; a film with all good intentions, but with little of those hopes translating to the screen. Children, die-hard Disney adults, and many theater kids will have a good time, but this kid felt cheated. I’m not mad, I’m disappoint…no. I’m kinda mad. When I left the screening, I tried my very best to drum up some goodwill, and while there are fun tidbits – any time the star is playing with a ball of red yarn immediately springs to mind – Wish is pablum when I wanted heartier, deeper, fare.

My sadness starts with the look of the film. I understand that they were trying to go for a retro Walt-in-charge look. But the hand drawn 2D feels rushed and too much like production line art; heck, even the trailers have a more polished look than the film does. And with the budget at 200 million, it was given more money than Encanto…which was a much better film with a more compelling story. Speaking of, Wish‘s story is your basic Big Bad, which is actually a breath of fresh air. That Disney decided to go so hard on the evil nature of the villain – rather than it’s new “the beast was the emotional damage we met along the way” vibe of the last several flicks – was welcome, if not reductive.

As the first afro-Hispanic main character in a Disney movie, Ariana DeBose’s Asha is your boilerplate plucky ingenue, with DeBose fleshing out the character with her emotive performance. But Asha and her gang also suffer from this film’s throwback curse, having little to say beyond “ooh cool!” and “let’s do this!” The #1 sin? Alan Tudyk is wasted as the talking baby goat Valentino. He’s an incredible voice actor, but here his character feels forced, precious, and with the anachronistically low voice? Kinda weird. Chris Pine’s King is over-the-top, but still doesn’t let Pine completely off the chain. Where’s the glorious bombast from Into The Woods? I’d have liked to have seen him really lean in to the charm and smarm, rather than simply being yet another boilerplate in a cinematic sea of repetition.

Voices lead to song, and here? The songs feel tacked-on, seemingly popping out of nowhere, as if the screenwriters thought “wait – we haven’t had a song in a while, BOOM Y’ALL!” The songs also pass the Bronze Age vibe-check, with lyrics that are typically on the nose, with two exceptions. First, the strangely romantic “At All Costs”, which sounds like a love duet rather than two characters (the King and Asha) determined to protect the wishes of Rosas. Then there’s the rose among the thorns; “Knowing What I Know Now” is a fantastic theater power-ballad sung by Our Gang and the Queen, and it absolutely rocks. Yeah sure, did I roll my eyes a bit at the Theater Kids Pose – complete with foot stomp – ending, and the pause for applause? Yes, yes I did. However, the song, to (probably mis)quote my niece Lucie, ate. Nary a crumb left.

Other things I liked? I enjoyed how the entire kingdom comes together in order to defeat the Big Bad in the climax, though I did get serious Wonder Woman 1984 flashbacks. It’s good to see it’s not entirely on one character’s shoulders to save the day. And the idea that wishes can be dangerous if they’re granted without thought was one I’ve loved ever since stories like “The Monkey’s Paw” and Wishmaster. Plus, the way characters react to their wishes being removed/taken from them feels very cult-y, as if even when the King was trying his best to be good, there was an undercurrent of toxicity in his actions. Bonus? Think of all the cute goat and star merch! Disney certainly is. I would like Star with yarn, please and thank you.

I understand, Disney. It’s your 100th year, and you want to celebrate with lots of callbacks and reverential homages. But easter eggs are one thing. Actually calling out films like Peter Pan and Mary Poppins are another. It feels desperate. And don’t get me started on the end credits images – glittery looks at Disney films of the past. Um. Maybe focus on the story at hand? All of the self-congratulatory anniversary shenanigans would have been better served in a glorious 100th anniversary documentary, instead of shoehorning them into a film that will age poorly for their inclusion.

#Protip: Goats wearing jammies are an actual thing, not just a way for Valentino to be extra. And those jammies help the goatsies. Everybody wins!