“When does an empire die?”

Story: Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe better. Probably better. Something something Rome, something something America, something something LSD trip.

Genre I’d put it in:
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: From Coppola’s brainpan

Gotta say: Francis Ford Coppola had the idea of this film since at least the 80s. He’d worked on it for decades. And Megalopolis is the textbook example of a creator being too close to their creation, and not seeing it with a critical eye. Don’t worry though, that’s what I’m here for. Because Megalopolis, to crib from Shakespeare – hey, this film repeatedly does – is full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

And that’s a pity, especially when you see who’s onscreen. This cast is stacked with performers I adore. Giancarlo Esposito, Nathalie Emmanuel, Aubrey Plaza, Laurence Fishburne, Chloe Fineman…even Dustin freakin’ Hoffman is in the mix. This cast is entirely too good for this film. Having such high quality performers in this muddled hodgepodge made me try to make sense of the story. This has to be a great film, because all these wonderful folks said yes, right? Well…

Of course, the incredible Adam Driver – John Oliver’s favorite “brooding mountain” – does most if not all of the heavy lifting here, as Cesar Catilina, a man who has a wonderful new plan for New York New Rome. That definitely comes with a whole lot of political baggage, and civil unrest. Sounds promising, right? Well, instead of an innovative look at America through the lense of the fall of Rome, we get something that feels more like Citizen Kane as directed by Terrence Malick, right after he watched Repo! The Genetic Opera while on shrooms. Which should be awesome, except Malick knows how to edit his crazy stuff. This is just a mess.

This is navel gazing purporting to be high art. There are moments where the entire audience at my screening laughed, and I’m not sure if these moments are supposed to be funny, or if it’s camp. Perhaps in a few years this film will be seen as a camp masterpiece, but right now? I’m still trying to figure out if these particular cinematic choices were intentionally used for the film to become a back-door cult classic, or if these beautiful bits of derangement were unintentional. I don’t do drugs, but while in the theater, I really wish I did. Maybe it’d have been so totally groovy, man. Coppola definitely left no cinematic spectacle unused; from split screens to Matrix-stops, extreme color grading to jarring jump cuts, it’s all here. And it’s way too much. This film’s story can barely tread water by itself, so adding so much artistry icing to an already overburdened collection of scenes isn’t overkill. It’s abuse.

I wondered aloud when this film would end no less than five times. There were many moments where the film felt like it could have stopped, and with the convoluted fever dream that’s passed off as plot here? I’d have been fine with any of those endings stops. The actual ending still feels stilted, with no real resolution to speak of. Maybe there’s hope and change, but it feels like a tacked on (kinda) happy ending after way too much confusion.

Fine; something I loved? The costuming, hair, and makeup were absolutely incredible. It’s a blend of Roman Empire and modern minimalism that I absolutely adored. Could I please have five minutes alone in this film’s jewelry department? No reason. And please don’t pat me down after.

Megalopolis has a subtitle: “A Fable”. But fables convey something. A moral, a warning, a message of some kind. Instead, this is a heavy-handed, graceless tale that makes me want to re-watch one of the good films Coppola made. Back when he could do crazy with style and grace. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to sink into Apocalypse Now.

#Protip: Even the outro – the song played as the end credits roll – is cringe. It’s a song that tries to be a Get Together or Black and White, but feels put together by AI. Sadly, I can’t find the name of the song right now – I keep getting the soundtrack for the 2020 film of the same name – but I’ll try to update this when I stumble upon it.