“Nobody cares about these animals anymore.” [*I* LOVE YOU DOLORES]

Story: Seventeen years after a tragic accident that devastated the research island for Jurassic Park, the “Neo-Jurassic Era” has become passé. But as the dinos die out in most areas of the world, there are still uses for the living beasts who reside around the equator. Medical uses. Ka-ching! So when hotshot businessman Martin Krebs throws money at paleontologist Henry Loomis, “covert operative” Zora Bennett, and her team? Well, blood samples from the three largest bois out there sounds like a bad idea; let’s grab the boat! Meanwhile, a family decides to sail too close to the area. Will they all meet the Mosasaurus? Of course they will. And that’s just for starters.

Genre I’d put it in: Sequels With A Lower Budget Feel But Are Still Fun
Release Date: 2025
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Part of the whole Jurassic Park *waves hands around vaguely* thing.

Gotta say: In psychology and economics, there’s a little thing called the Sunk Cost Fallacy. It’s when you believe you should stick with something simply because you’ve already invested so much time in it. Book series, that painting you began in lockdown and haven’t touched since, that relationship/friendship/familial entanglement, your money pit of a condo. Stick with it, even if it’s no longer serving you. A few folks asked me if I was hitting Rebirth simply for this reason, as I’d seen all the other Jurassic films. And sure, that was part of it.

I just figured Rebirth would be stupid fun, and I wanted to see exactly how much of one or the other this latest outing would be. And? I didn’t hate it. In fact, there were times when I cheered with my whole chest, laughing my ass off. That might be a bad thing for the creators of this film, but I had a good time with this silly film. But issues with this latest outing? Oh, I got ’em.

First off, the cast is way too stacked for such a lazy screenplay. Scarlett Johansson, Mahershala Ali, Jonathan Biley, and you waste them on a paint-by-numbers rehash of everything that’s gone before in this series? No fair. The way these three outshine the predictable plot and boilerplate dialogue should be embarrassing. Yet they manage to walk away from Rebirth unscathed. In fact, I’d like to see these three in another, better, outing. They put work into their characters, giving each backstory believable gravitas.

Special shout-out to Bechir Sylvain as LeClerc. While there’s no way his underwritten character could have a chance at standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the three leads here? Sylvain manages to deliver a performance that’s delightfully comedic and beautifully sincere. I honestly rooted for LeClerc. That’s a testament to Sylvain’s ability to make the very most out of his limited screen time, and dialogue that was almost entirely delivered in French.

Rupert Friend (who I kept thinking was Orlando Bloom because it’s uncanny y’all) plays smarmy well enough as corporate baddie Martin. He’s not given much to do other than give the reason for the action taking place, and providing a satisfying death. Oh c’mon; this series loves to give hideous deaths to their villains, and even random passers-by. #JusticeForZara Y’all know full well that Martin wasn’t gonna make it off the island.

Plus, there are way too many tropes from prior Jurassic films to believe any other outcome. The predictability of Rebirth cannot be overstated. Partly due to lazy screenwriting that relies too heavily on imagery lifted wholesale from earlier films. Raptor claws clicking on a floor. Someone waving a flare to distract a dino. A paleontologist looking up at a beastie in awe. Even sweet Dolores – a wee dino found by the youngest child of the sailing family – is just a callback to the cute baby T-Rex in The Lost World. And the fact that she’s obviously used to rip at our heartstrings was groan-inducing. Mostly because dammit, it worked. THIS IS A DOLORES STAN PAGE.

As for the sailing family? They feel like a wholly different story crammed in alongside the actual film. If they didn’t have a fun T-Rex scene, they’d have been completely inconsequential. There’s a dad, a young girl who’s also a baby dino whisperer, a teenage daughter, and her boyfriend who’s extremely annoying, then has exactly one scene where he’s nice, then vanishes into the scenery with the rest of the family. They feel like padding, rather than an integral part of the story.

Okay, on to the overall lackluster look of the film. My buddy and I saw an ad for Rebirth last weekend, and he couldn’t stop howling about the shoddy CGI. I assumed it was just a slapdash trailer, and things would be fixed in post. I mean, Cats did that and it worked out, right? (pause for sarcasm) Not there, and not here. There were moments when even my clueless self could recognize green-screened shots, and views of the research area look like AI creations. Rebirth isn’t exactly lower budget than the other World films, but either 180 million doesn’t go as far as it used to, or more likely? A whole lot of folks decided to cut corners on the visuals. That’s something that’s be sneaking up on us with each film in this franchise, but it’s absolutely bloody obvious here.

And where are the folks who actually want to create something memorable when it comes to the dinos? The raptor/pteradon mutants look like Skeksis, and I could not stop laughing. And the “Distortus Rex” is hilariously awful. Who decided that the final boss of this film should look like a Rancor and a Xenomorph had a baby at Temu? Y’know what, let’s not shame the creators of this mess. They probably had producers breathing down their necks. Dolores the baby dino is absolutely adorable though. I can see all the merchandising opportunities. No seriously; I can see them. They’re everywhere.

Which brings me to the product placement. Yep, this whole damn story was brought to us by Snickers. In the opening scene, some lazy joker couldn’t be bothered to put his candy bar down. The wrapper gets sucked into a grate, which causes things to short-circuit. Boom. Hilarity ensues. (And yep, he’s the guy in the white protective suit who gets got in the trailer.) This silly bit of Rube Goldberg nonsense feels like something the Final Destination series scrapped for being too obvious. We also get lots of shots of Heineken beer and Lays brands. Get your bag, I guess? But put that money on screen next time, won’t you?

Still, with all of the so-so and downright laughable stuff going on here, I have to admit I had a good time. I caught a matinee showing, got myself all kitted out at the concessions area, and just decided to see where this silliness would take me. While I do not condone anyone spending evening, or upgraded viewing, prices for this film? A matinee of Rebirth is just the kind of fun nonsense the world needs right now. Not a brain cell is needed, nor wanted, in this theater. Let the magic of tropes you know by heart, dialogue you can call out before it’s spoken, characters from Boilerplates-R-Us, and dinosaurs that you get just enough of before their lackluster CGI can be noted, wash over you. This is summer blockbuster pablum, and damn if I might just go see this silly thing again. In this house? It’ll definitely be a streaming re-watch more often than any other of the World films. Heck, I’ll be checking it out more often than all the other Park films, excepting the OG.

What the world needs now is slop, sweet slop. And Rebirth is here for us. Thank you, Hollywood. Seriously.

#Protip: What’s my favorite dinosaur? I’m so glad you asked. Ankylosaurus. Now and forever. And yes, you’ll get a small peek at the big boi towards the end of the film.