Story: Hey, what if everyone on the planet was incredibly hot?  Oh yeah, and there’s a vampire that’s missing his long-lost love.  You know the drill.

Scares:  Meh.  Maybe if this was an original story, but since everybody knows how this is gonna go, it’s more ghoulish fun than serious fright.

Splat factor:  Lots of blood, as is just and right for a modern-day vampire flick.  Plus, there’s enough nancy-boy hair gel to make even Angel say wow.  That’s splatty, right?

Closing scene “shocker”?:  It’s a vampire movie, so no real last-minute switcharoo shocker.  Still, the end leaves things open just enough for a sequel.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Please.  Dracula has been remade so often that even the most horrorphobic of movie lovers have probably seen a few.  I’ve no idea how many times it’s been remade, mostly because I’m too lazy to head over to IMDb and count.  Get it, count?  Seriously, I’m amused by just about anything.

Trick or Treat?:  Oh yes, of the Godiva Halloween-themed candy kind.  You may not like every piece of it, but there’s no denying it’s damn pretty.  It’s Captain Hammer!  It’s Seven of Nine!  It’s the hot bald dude from House!  It’s King Leonidas, with fangs!  This movie doesn’t pretend to greatness, but it’s awesome in it’s campy goodness.  Yeah, it’s “Wes Craven Presents”, but he’s strictly an executive producer on this one, which means he allowed ’em to put his name on it, and he got the check.  This gets my repeat viewing seal of approval because I love watching Gerard Butler do…well, anything really.  Don’t expect Scream or A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Instead, pour a huge glass of red, settle into the comfiest part of the couch, and get yourself ready for some high-grade, big budget camp.  Bonus: this film also educates!

Things I’ve Learned From Dracula 2000:

• “Never, ever, fuck with an antiques dealer!”
• Even Dracula needs product.  Lots of it.
• CD stores used to be cool.  Now they’re not.
• When you find yourself, you receive a pair of leather pants and leather trench.  That’s gotta suck if you live in Miami.
• I’m fresh out of red wine.  Dammit.

Score:  :out of 5 pumpkins.