*insert interesting quote here, because damn if I can find one in this clunker*

Story: Um. I guess there’s a family with a weird pervo grandpa who’s also a Satanist? (The goofy Devil’s Rain kind.) Well, gramps wants his oldest Grandson to join the family business. And yeah, that’s it.

Scares: Zero. It’s too stupid to be scary.

Splat factor: Some super obvious fake blood.

Closing scene “shocker”?: Oh noes – the grandsons swap places or something! I think. *shrugs* (No spoiler warning needed. You’ll have checked out long before that yawn-inducing finale.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Original I guess. It’s too boring to really focus on possible ripoffs.

Trick or Treat?: Damn this movie is a big ol’ mess. Wooden acting, weird story tangents, and so much padding it’s hard to keep track of any possible storyline that’d make sense. There’s surreal narratives, and then there’s WTF. This one’s definitely the latter. If anyone cares enough to ask. AND THERE ARE NO PUMPKINS IN THIS MOVIE. Yeah I’m upset.

This is Z-grade throwback 80s horror… Okay, maybe W-grade; the cinematography isn’t horrible. But there’s full frontal females and several deaths. Oh, and a complete music video thirty minutes in. Why? Because. That’s why.

The only way you’ll find any enjoyment in this dull as dirt, so-bad-it’s-really-bad yawnfest is if you have Shudder and watch the Joe Bob’s Halloween Hideaway commentary version. And even then, this movie is just a distraction from the funny Halloween “horrors” going on with Joe and the gang.

Score: 1 out of 5 pumpkins. And I’m being generous.