Originally published at The Green Man Review!

Fruit Loops candy? Sure. I’m game. Though I guess KK couldn’t spring for the rights for the official cereal, or Kelloggs didn’t want to do a collab. I can see why. DAMN this smells like candy plastic. You know what I’m talking about; when a food has so many chemical reactions going on that all you can think of is an 80s Strawberry Shortcake doll and that “strawberry” smell. But with more plastic.

This bar was so weird-in-a-gross-way I was actually scared to bite into this bad boy. Though gotta admit the McDonald’s Strawberry Milkshake Pink look of the “creme” coating is super cute. And are those rainbow sprinkles scattered throughout the coating? Aww! You’re adorable, boo. But I don’t trust you… Okay y’all, I’m going in. We’re real timing this, baybeeeee. (Yes I’m scared and using humor as a coping mechanism. Thank you for noticing.)

OH FUUUUUdge. This is bad. Really, really bad. Fuck, I’m spitting this out into a napkin and bagging keeping this review PG. This is horrible simmering garbage. If you can believe it, it tastes worse than it smells. It’s like…sugary hurk. I’m not going into the smoothness of the coating, or the snap of the wafers, because all my brain could do was tremble. Stomach too. I’m not sure if Tum-tum will be speaking to me in the near future. I certainly know I won’t be able to eat anything else for the rest of the day. Sayonara, dinner. Sorry – I’m not doing anything more on this one. It’s not getting a second bite from me. I had to pop a beer to wash the disgusting dregs of this sludge out of my mouth. This is disgust in candy bar form, and I wish this on no-one.

Don’t try this. Not even on a dare. It’s straight up vile. It’s cute with the adorable color, but that’s all. I’m guessing I’ll see this as a challenge in the next Fear Factor. Thank the gods that this “flavor” is limited. Because the fewer people who suffer through this nonsense is one step closer to world peace.