“Bring the hammer, Daddy…. And a nail.”

Story: Lola just wants a date to the prom, y’all. So she asks classmate Brent, but he’s got a girlfriend and has already made plans. So Lola makes plans of her own…and they include violence.

Scares: The main one? That this is something that could actually happen in real life. *shudders*
Splat Factor: Lots. Skin gets carved, cut, stabbed…and eaten.

Subgenre: Revenge Is Sweet But Payback’s A Bitch Horrors
Year Released: 2009
Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Original. But I got Hostel vibes. Yeah, it’s like that.

Trick or Treat?: “Hey, I recognize Brent! Xavier Samuel played Riley Biers in the Twilight films. Go me!” That’s what I was thinking when Ones started. Y’know, before my brain melted. Because damn, this film is a lot. Ones is a revenge movie…but more.

Torture, degradation, humiliation, sexual abuse, and more. It’s a lot, so much so that it might be too much for a lot of people. This film managed to weird me out with the casual – and practiced – way Lola and her father torture poor Brent. That’s saying something. I’m typically a tough nut to freak out. Ones is widely known as a film that goes there, and it absolutely does. It was a slog trying to find this one, as it used to be tough to find on streaming. I found a DVD copy at the dollar store last month, and grabbed that sucker so fast. (It’s currently on a slew of channels, including Paramount+, Pluto, and Vudu. Because of course it is. Now.)

Boy howdy, this one’s gruesome. Not just for the onscreen violence, but the ideas behind it. That individuals could (and, let’s face it, have done) these kinds of things to other living beings? That’s a sickening headspace to watch play out. Robin McLeavy and John Brumpton give horrifically amazing performances ad Lola and her dad Eric. I wonder if they had to take Silkwood showers every evening after filming wrapped. Their ability to dig into their characters’ psyches and bring them to appalling life, is literally shocking.

The FX here is incredibly on-point, so lifelike the sheer brutality of the scenes where FX are used (most of them, once things get going) may turn your stomach. Then there’s that creepy ass Overlook Hotel-esque wallpaper in Lola’s kitchen. The art direction has an incredible attention to detail, turning a middle-class home into a house of horrors with just a few tweaks here and there.

This film is startlingly effective, combining The Steven King Triumvirate of terrifying, horrifying, and gross. Plus, it’s so over-the-top horrific there are moments of jet-black comedy. It’s almost unbelievable that this was director Sean Byrne’s first joint. Seek this one out, if your constitution can handle it. If not, do not worry yourself. You’re most likely mentally healthier than I am. That’s a pretty low bar, but a nice one to clear nonetheless.

Score: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkins. Much higher than average, but the themes and gross-outs are too much for everyone, so I can’t in good conscience give it a straight-up five. Plus, a sweet Aussie Cattle Dog gets got early on, and I DO NOT FORGIVE THE DEATH OF THAT GOOD BOI. (The violence towards the dog isn’t shown, but the after-effects as the dog gasps for breath? No. No thank you, Byrne. How absolute dare.)