“Ahh, for fuck’s sake!”

Scares: A few. Yeah, I’m shocked too.
Splat Factor: More than either network miniseries, but not much for cable

Story: It’s been decades since author Ben Mears moved away from ‘Salem’s Lot, and he’s no longer the child that grew up there. But he’s still got the heebie-jeebies over the Marsten House; a mansion that looms over the town. Perhaps his imagination will be sparked by returning to the town that gave his spooky imagination that first push. And hey, he’s not the only one moving to the town; there’s a new owner of the Marsten House. Which I’m sure will cause nothing bad to happen to the Lot.

Subgenre: Another “Adaptation” When We Have A Fine One Already
Year Released: 2024
Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Loosely based on the novel by Stephen King. Very loosely.

Trick or Treat?: ‘Salems Lot is one of Kings novels that still scares the crap outta me. Just something about the way an entire town can slowly turn into a nest of vampires really gets me. And King’s way of creating characters you really care about, even if they barely get a blip in the story, makes the tale particularly horrifying. Unfortunately, this Lot feels both rushed and empty. I get that with less than two hours to tell this tale, the plot is gonna zoom. But the hollow feeling I had as the credits rolled, made me kinda wish I hadn’t bothered.

There are a whole lot of changes in this Lot. A few are truly welcome; hello, adult characters cursing like real humans, and a Danny Glick gets a scene that’s truly terrifying in a new way. The well-known “Mrs. Glick rises from the table” scene is effective, with a moment that’s so true-to-life I stood up from my couch and howled with joyful laughter, shouting “that’s freaking amazing!” But for the most part, changes to this well-known plot felt like shifts in the story just to keep Constant Readers on our toes rather than serving as an interesting take on the story. Lot feels like it rushes by at the speed of sound, so it’s tough to have a handle on what’s going on, and who’s doing what, and where. Changing plot points only adds to the confusion here. Though I suppose newbies wouldn’t feel that way, but instead have many WTF moments, as they try to figure out what’s going on, and why they should care.

A big problem might be the casting choice for what should be an understated character. No, I’m not taking about the gender or race swapping, that’s an absolute non-issue and ever pretty cool as we get great performers from that. But? As vampire minion Straker, Pilou Asbæk is much like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. To misquote King? You know Nicholson ain’t right from the jump. It’s the same with Asbæk’s Straker. He looks like someone who’d be asked to take a seat on the next episode of To Catch A Predator. Writer/director Gary Dauberman’s dialogue for Straker is just the kind of thing this actor could absolutely ham up…and he does.  “MASTER BARLOW! LORD OF FLIES! TIS I STRYKER! YOUR DEVOTED SERVANT!” Dude. Simmer down. This minion managed to keep his vamp alive for so long, with such obvious weirdness? Yeah, sure. Y’know what though? It’s not Asbæk’s fault this Straker is pure camp. I lay that at the feet of Dauberman, who should have known to reel in the histrionics.

The overall look of the film is wonderful though. Lot evokes small-town life in the 70s so easily it feels like this film is from another era. Even the opening title card harks back to the original ‘Salem’s Lot hardback font. Costuming is on-point, with mid-20th Century normcore front and center. With The Drowning Pool showing at the local drive-in, this puts the action in 1975, the year this book was originally published. Another nice touch, and good way to eliminate modern-day cellphones and social media. I’d talk about the performances, but really? The editing here is so strangely frenetic it’s tough to get a bead on the performers. Pity.

BTW, that drive-in serves a major purpose in the climax, rather than the Marsten House. I felt conflicted; I wanted to see more of the spectacularly creepy (and much nicer) house, yet I kinda dug the idea of everyone ending up at the drive-in. I’m not really sure why everyone was there, as Lot says that the new vamps were “staying here”. Why not everywhere…oh right. To speed up the vamp-killing. Which means that yes, this Lot wraps things up with a nice, tidy bow. Great for folks who like everything nice and neat, but again, a change from the novel.

This reworking of ‘Salem’s Lot left me empty, like I’d glossed over the novel’s Wiki while half asleep. While it’s always good to see these character onscreen, they felt like pale shadows of what I’d seen before. I’m glad I watched, but won’t be taking another trip to this Lot. 

Score: 2 out of 5 pumpkins. (One for the Mrs. Glick scene, another for the beginning of Barlow’s demise.)