“Spread cheer, asshole.”

Story: Jack O’Malley has never believed in Santa Claus. But as he’s grown up, he’s believed in cold hard cash, and gambling. He hasn’t been lucky with either of those. So when he takes a “job” to hack a computer that stores arctic coordinates, he’s shocked to find out that he’s just helped the bad guys kidnap Santa, and he’s got 24 hours to get Santa back or Christmas ain’t happening. And let’s just say his E.L.F (Enforcement Logistics and Fortification) commander ain’t nobody’s Keebler.

Genre I’d put it in: Christmas Movies For Action Fans
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the mythology (?) of Santa Claus

Gotta say: I love holiday movies. Even the really bad ones can be fun. It’s gotta be a real flaming dumpster for me to hate something in this genre, but luckily? One is a blast that had me ho-ho-ho-ing in the aisles.

That’s mostly thanks to this film’s stellar casting. Chris Evans has cemented his tongue-in-cheek anti-hero era as Jack, and I’m all about it. Paired with an absolute deadpan Dwayne Johnson as E.L.F. commander Callum Drift, the stare-offs are hilarious. But it’s the casting of J.K. Simmons as Santa Daddy Claus that’s absolutely inspired. This is a Santa that’s buff AF and ready to take on all the cardio that a night of travelling around the world would entail. Cal tosses out an offhand line about how Santa burns at least 40 million calories a night, so all those cookies? Carbo-loading, my people.

In fact, the entire mythology gets a 21st Century upgrade, with writers Chris Morgan and Hiram Garcia zhuzhing up the 1800’s Currier & Ives ideals for a more modern aesthetic. I do have to admit the landing strip for the North Pole does look a lot like the Rainbow Bridge from Thor: Ragnarok; maybe a nod to ol’ Nick’s Nordic beginnings? The CGI is okay here; it’s not as crisp as say Marvel Phase Three, or the rebooted Planet of the Apes franchise. But those had budgets twice the size of One, so there’s that. Polar bear E.L.F. Agent Garcia and the hellhounds Krampus keeps look very good, even if the hounds keep to the shadows.

The story is a boilerplate one; find Santa and save Christmas. But the journey Jack and Cal go on is chock full of new additions to Santa’s lore, and the different locales make the slightly overlong film (over two hours is typically a slog for holiday films) feel more exciting than it has a right to. Did you know that every single toy store in the world is a portal folks in the North Pole can use to travel from place to place? Hoo boy, the number of kids that are gonna be checking out the back rooms of these places this year…

My only quibble is the story of Jack and his son’s mom. It feels like the writers tried to shoehorn in a troubled tween and wary ex into the plot because The Santa Clause had them. Performers Mary Elizabeth Ellis and Wesley Kimmel as Olivia and Dylan are fine, but they have little to do except remind Jack of how he’s whiffed the whole dad thing. And, of course, to help Jack ditch a lot of his inner Naughty. J.K. Simmons is here to look badass, but then takes his place as KO’d kidnap victim, under the sway of a severely underutilized Kiernan Shipka as Grýla the Christmas Witch. Grýla’s plan is diabolical, and the idea of who’s naughty and why is an idea a better written film could have really dug into. But One just uses it as the catalyst for Santa’s disappearance. And the climax is, to use Screen Rant Pitch Meeting parlance, “barely an inconvenience”.

One thing for family folks; One is definitely PG-13 for language. Both Jack and Cal drop some doozies, and there’s an F-bomb that’s only slightly covered-up. Plus, wee ones may be frightened of Krampus and his minions, even though they’re just creatures that seem to party more violently than your typical next door neighbor. So if you’re thinking of bringing the littles? Make sure you know what you’re headed into. Don’t be that adult that drags kids into something the wee ones either aren’t ready for, or you’re not up for dealing with in the car ride home.

With Lucy Liu’s no-nonsense Zoe as the head of M.O.R.A (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority), there could be a slew of holiday-themed films within this universe. Oh wait; Johnson has already been the Tooth Fairy. Still, the paramilitary/international conglomerate of the organization could easily lend itself to some other fun stories. One isn’t going to go on anyone’s Best Holiday Movies list, but it’s a serviceable holiday tale that blends action and Christmas well enough to warrant a yearly viewing during the December Holiday Onslaught.

#Protip: Yep yep, NORAD does indeed have a Santa Tracker that goes live for mundanes like us every December 1st. Better not pout, y’all.