*insert some boilerplate Netflix Christmas pablum here – I was too busy trying not to fall asleep, so I didn’t take notes*

Genre: Dull Dancing Spirits
Release Date: 2024
New Holiday Spirit or Ghost of Christmas Past?: New, but harks back to better films like Magic Mike and
Where I Watched: Netflix

Synopsis: A Broadway dancer gets canned ages out of her position in a popular Rockettes-esque revue, and “temporarily” moves back to her ol’ hometown. But her parents’ jazz club is 30k in debt, so they may lose the place. What’s a dancer to do? Well, let’s get some dancing started! Make it male only, and shirts definitely forbidden. Happy Holidays y’all!

Worth the Eggnog?: Damn. This movie does the impossible; it makes a movie about holiday strippers boring. They put together a cast of beloved television stars, plopped them into an intriguing premise, and then sucked all the life out of it. Ho ho ho-hum.

This feels like a full-length imagining of a skit from The Holderness Family. Except with Kim and Penn, the skits are actually entertaining. The screenplay for Gentlemen feels written by the Mad-Libs corporation, with the usual “city girl back home in time to save Christmas and stuff” story lacking even the faintest whiff of care or artistic vision. Not something I typically look for in holiday stories, but boy howdy, I notice when it’s not there.

Britt Robertson, Chad Michael Murray, Beth Broderick, Michael Gross and freakin’ Maxwell Caufield. Say no more, mon amour! How do you mess up with a cast like this? Director Peter Sullivan must have been doing the crossword puzzle during filming, as there’s absolutely no energy whatsoever. Yeah, that can be an iffy thing for most by-the-numbers holiday films, but here it’s obvious that the creators were phoning it in. The cast tries to deliver, but without a guiding hand, they’re just walking around set, spouting lines until it’s time to go to the next scene and do the same thing.

I tried my best to come up with something good to say about this one, but the mind-numbing boredom emptied my brain. Couldn’t even dredge up my typical two BBs rattling in a tuna can. But I can keep going about what I didn’t like! Lucky you.

• *Boring music the kind of country music that make people say country music sucks. (Country music does not, in fact, suck. But damn these songs do y’all.)
• Lackluster lighting. Everything seems to be lit with the same number of lights, generating either a washed-out over-bright look, or too many shadows everywhere.
• Makeup that’s caked on, with no heed to the needs of individuals. Some folks look a bit dewy, some look overly slick, and others look parched and cracked. It’s an insult to the performers.
• A storyline that wraps up neatly, with zero problems. But now what? Our Girl is staying home, giving up her newly offered re-hire and 25% raise. She’s got no idea what she’ll do next, even though our economy is in the toilet. Plus, after the all-male revue plays out, what will become of the club? Will acts want to book there? How will her parents make do? This is all so much We’ll Do Fine: We’re White it’s astounding.

This is definitely to be shelved with other films whose budget could have been better spent feeding the poor, or helping the unhoused. Do yourself a favor and just re-watch some other holiday flick you’ve seen a million times. You’ll be glad you did.

Score: 1 out of 5 Hos. I’m feeling generous. Plus, I feel like the guys deserve something for trying to keep my interest. Poor dears.