“You got the devil bear.”

Story: Yellowstone National Park. Beautiful. Deadly? Well, some hunter shoots a baby grizzly cub like a complete asshole. Then shoots momma… But she’s not dead. Hunter, you done messed with the wrong Tawanda. Yeah, her name is Tawanda. Dammit. And she’s not only mad at humans, she absolutely hates 80s Euro-pop.

Scares: None. This is just 80s horror cheese.
Splat Factor:  Offscreen, and some poorly done proto-CGI of bears getting shot.

Subgenre: Campy Sequels To Campy Movies
Year Released: 1983 (filmed) 2020 (released) Why? Because.
Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Sequel to the 1976 film Grizzly.

Trick or Treat?: Grizzly II has everything. Stars before they were famous. Shouting bears. Bad, off-key 80s Euro-pop. Native English speakers spouting pidgin English to portray “native authenticity”. Pointless subplots that fizzle out. Bad guys on sad looking dirt bikes. And lots of off screen kills.

II wears it’s Jaws rip-off creds proudly, complete with bad guy (gal) who doesn’t want to close the beaches (cancel the concert), young shark expert (bear researcher) who cares about nature, new policeman (Chief Ranger) from New York who’s getting used to his new job. And of course, a shark hunter (grizzly trapper) who ends up over his head.

The threesome that probably pull in non-genre viewers – George Clooney, Laura Dern, and an extremely limp haired Charlie Sheen? Don’t get attached. These are pre-stardom roles, so they don’t make it past the opening credits. BBC faves Timothy Spall and Ian McNeice have more substantial supporting roles, but still aren’t around much. Seeing these stars early in their careers is a hoot, and lends credence to the idea that everybody does horror early on.  

There are also a few known-at-the-time performers too, probably slumming for a paycheck. Can’t blame them, money’s money y’all. Louise Fletcher, John Rhys-Davies, and April Fool’s Day‘s Deborah Foreman, complete with her megawatt smile. But no matter lead, supporting, or cameo, not a single character gets any kind of story. They’re either kill fodder, or grizzly chasers. Just let them be mid, and listen for those beautiful bear screams.

This is definitely a PWP (plot, what plot) film whose screenplay feels like it was done by Mad-Libs. There’s too much going on, with absolutely no cohesion or meaning tying everything together. The whole poacher subplot could have been cut out without damaging a single bit thing. Ditto the chunks of concert footage, the rockstar crush “story”, and anything having to do with the concert promoter. But as II only runs an hour and seventeen minutes? The padding was necessary to make it to the multiplex.

BTW, those overlong concert footage bits? Were filmed during a Nazareth concert. I’d have loved to have been in the crowd, as they tried to figure out WTF was happening. Maybe they all got promised free beer.

The climax, where a stiff bear puppet is backstage at the concert, is so breathtakingly awful it’s awesome. I had to rewind to make sure I didn’t miss anything, but nope. It’s one of the quickest climaxes I’ve ever seen. Please make all the digs at my dating life you care to.

Think of II as one of those multi-story TV shows from the 80s, like The Love Boat or Fantasy Island. Except here, there’s no satisfying conclusion, just end credits. Still, if you’re in the mood to gawk at bad filmmaking? See this one with your gang, and some of your favorite substances.

This might be a bad movie, but with the right vibes and people around you, it could also be a good time.

Score: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkins, for the train wreck campyness of everything.