“You can’t just give him something you love…”

Story: Four teenage girls who should know better, decide to play around with – and completely believe – the Creepypasta Slenderman story. So in this reality, he comes for them. Ooh, spoopy.

Scares: Of the jump variety
Splat Factor: PG-13. So, nope.

Subgenre: Online Urban Legends
Year Released: 2018
Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Based on the online legend of the Slenderman, and the 2014 Slenderman Stabbing.

Trick or Treat?: I knew this would be a garbage fire, so I skipped it for years. But now that it’s on Netflix, and I need another review for #31in31? Boom. Here you go. And yep, it’s as boringly trite as you’d expect.

Slenderman tries to be a new Candyman, The Blair Witch Project, or Ring. And while it’s a light, fluffy piece of horror pablum on it’s own, it’ll never be confused with these classics. Ever.

The problem with Slenderman is that this should be a movie so bad it’s good. But the talented cast puts in performances leagues above the garbage the screenplay delivers. Instead of fun, it’s a fail. Nice to see Joey King in this one. What? I’m a fan of The Kissing Booth films. (I never said I had taste.) Ditto with The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina‘s Jasmine Sinclair. Honestly, give these ladies a look in The Lie, and Gen V, respectively.

Everything outside the performances screams mid. Which is fine for a film with more substantial plotting or dialogue, but sinks any possibility of truly campy fun. Instead, Slenderman becomes a mean spirited slog, with a bummer ending that fails at “depth”, and character arcs that are confusing, stupid, or both.

The real life Slenderman case delt with tweens, so having the cast be probably-have-their-license aged teenagers takes away from the believablility. Like teens weaned on internet BS would be sucked into this. Director Sylvain White? I have nieces and nephews who’d have known better than this when they were in high school. (They’re all college people nowadays, WHAT UP)

The differences between real life and this film is that here, the story is about one of their friends going missing after watching the Ring video, and it’s dull. In real life, girls stabbed a friend to “appease” the spirit, and it was heartbreaking. And in real life, nobody would truly take this seriously. The legend, or the movie.

Score: 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The film starts off promising, thanks to the cast lifting way above their weight class. But slowly devolves into uninteresting slop even with the talent . Which sucks.