31 in 31- The Club

31 in 31 logoSynched with the 31 Day Horror Movie Challenge

club_video_poster“Sometimes I just wish it was over.”

Story: kids go to prom at a “creepy” castle/building/prom/set. The clock strikes midnight…and you’ll need to drop acid to figure out this convoluted mess after that.

Scares: None. They try…but they fail.

Splat factor: This film is too low budget for serious splatter. Everything looks straight out of Party City.

Closing scene “shocker”?: I think there’s supposed to be some clever twist, but I’d lost interest.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Original, though this story feels cobbled together from Prom Night, Night of the Demons, and several other “then there were none” spookfests. Oh yeah, throw in the POV zoom from Evil Dead while you’re at it.  They’ve stolen everything, and instead of giving it their own spin, it feels…like you’d rather be watching those other films.

Trick or Treat?: This is the perfect movie for people who are scared of horror films. It’s too boring to scare anyone.

Prom night. The clock strikes midnight. And suddenly, things fall to the floor in slow motion. A POV shot zooms around the castle/building/prom set. Deeeep. All of a sudden  the packed building is completely empty save for a handful of people who only seem to shout for somebody. It’s like the weirdest version of Marco Polo ever, but with dream sequences and bad acting.

Characters are barely sketched clichés:
Creepy, drunk-ass guidance counselor
Bad Boyfriend Guy
Bad Boyfriend Guy’s Girlfriend
Pretty Girl
Pretty Girl’s Boyfriend
Nerd
Weird Guy That Nobody Knows (I’m sure he’s nice.)

Then each character meets their…doppelganger? Demon half? Time traveling self who figured killing themselves was better that continuing to be in this dreck? Then it really gets stupid…

The Club is a textbook definition of “Plot, What Plot?” Characters we never got to know are roaming this “creepy” castle/building/prom set, and we’re supposed to give a crap. Zero given, people. Zero. There’s no setup, no character progression, and crappy FX to top off this sheisse sundae to top off this sheisse sundae.The Rover Gives Zero

Then there’s a writing. Hoo boy. “Are we dead? I don’t feel dead.” All delivered in an uninspired, high school production caliber mix of William Shatner ham and student film cold read. Except for Weird Guy, who goes Full Nicholson. Because he’s a demon, silly! All demons go Full Nicholson. Man, I wish that guy (I don’t care enough about this movie or this actor to look him up) had actually ACTED, instead of copying someone else.  Coulda been a fantastic character.  Yet another missed opportunity on the shelf.  This film’s got a ton of ’em.

For serious drinking game folks only. Drink every time you wonder why you’re still watching this garbage.

Score: 0 out of 5 pumpkins.
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