“This is strange.”

Story: Small monkeys become infected with a virus that turns them into…wait for it… ZOOMBIES! (badum-tish) I sure hope they don’t get out and infect the entire zoo. What would the small crew of pre-opening staff do if that happened? *cue deaths*

Scares: Zero. Unless you count how incredibly bad this movie is.

Splat factor: Lots of CGI blood, and some cheesy Halloween store gore FX.
Closing scene “shocker”?: Naturally.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Original.

Trick or Treat?: The Asylum, makers of Sharknado. Nuff said. You’re gonna be in this for the hilarity, or you’re gonna pray for death to take you away from this abomination. There is no in-between.

The CGI is hilarious. And so is the “cross river gorilla”, aka Man In Suit. I think they stole said suit from the Trading Places costume storage. Good to see it’ll be getting royalties from another movie, but it sure hasn’t aged well. Not to hate.

Stupidity rules the day here. Why do the interns have to turn in their phones? And why aren’t they wearing a uniform? How’s the Zoo’s monitoring system able to pick up police, staff, and other humans? Earlier, they said system is to track the animals in the zoo, by implanted tracking devices… Sigh. These are just a few of the questions that popped into my brain during this movie. It had to keep occupied, or else simply watching this movie would kill its cells one by one.

And hey – Obnoxiously Precocious Child alert! I guess the powers that be behind this flop watched Jurassic Park and various Godzilla movies for tips, and came away with “put in a kid”. To be fair, they also stole several overused genre clichés, such as; problems with the electronic security system/door locks, stupid decisions from supposedly smart people, and lots of screaming. Lots. The better to draw attention to yourself, my dear.

So why is this film such a clunker when Sharknado was such Z-grade fun? Easy. Zoombies is missing that fun sense of camp that usually makes Asylum films such cheesy goodness. Zoombies has the requisite earnestness, but somehow the tongue in cheek is missing. Maybe this film needed a little Ian Ziering? Guess he’s knew a stinker when he saw it.

Only works if you’re drinking game-ing it. Take a sip every time you see hideously bad CGI, or hear craptastic dialogue. You’ll either be sufficiently lubed, or passed out less than halfway through. Either way, win!

Score: 1 out of 5 pumpkins.