Horror, Cult Movies, Exploitation Cinema, 70s Schlock, and more! Let’s start the weekend off by getting freaky! Or something like that…

“Please come back! PLEASE!” [editor: NO.]

Genre: Stepford And Descent Ripoffs
Year Released: 2013
Pedigree: NONE.
Where I Watched: Shudder

Synopsis: Janey has two options before her; go to a silent “Heal Thyself” retreat in the woods, or head directly to jail. What’s the worst that can happen out in a cabin in the woods?

Fabulous or Frustrating?: A story about how misogynistic men try to “cure” young women and turn them into perfect wife material is an intriguing concept. It’s been done before, but the “Stepford but at rehab” concept could be fun. A story about how young women who are trying to rebuild their lives at a silent retreat, but find there’s a monster in the woods could also be a good time. But this mangled mess of plot ideas is definitely not a good time. Even the interwebs didn’t want me to find its IMDb page (there’s a few other films with the same name in this new century of ours.) I should have taken the hint.

But nope, I stuck through this mess. Retreat is not interesting enough to be compelling, not be movie enough to be fun, and not gory enough for splatter. It just exist in a void. A lifeless, boring void.

The whole thing feels like two stories tied together with string. I don’t understand why, and God knows the creators don’t bother to try and tie them together. Neither plot is flushed out enough for me to give even half a damn, and it’s made even worse by the story refusing to follow its own world-building rules. It’s like the world’s most ennui-inducing horror RPG.

Then there’s the lackluster cinematography and bare bones art direction. Bad enough that I had to put my TV on super-dynamic just to see through all of the darkness and blue filter in nighttime shots, but the story is so weak I had no idea what the hell was going on, or why. So I didn’t really care. All I wanted was for the two final survivors to make it, so the movie would be over. Thankfully, it wrapped up, leaving me trying to figure out why this film was made.

Definitely sorting this one into the “the money used to make this film should have been used to help those in need” pile. Save yourself the boredom. Skip this dull yawnfest.

Freak-O-Meter: 1 out of 5 Freaks