With fewer and fewer films being screened for press in the Baltimore area, I’ll be doing more opening day/week reviews. Apologies for folks who’ve been asking for them earlier – and if there’s anything you’d like me to look at, old or new? Hit me up!

“Take a good look out the window. ‘Cause the way I see it we ain’t never coming back.” [Oh, Pumpkin. Truer words…]

Story: When last we met the Weyland-Yutani Corporation… Oh wait. This takes place immediately after Alien. So don’t tell this new group of characters – who want to leave a hideous mining planet for literal greener pastures – what awaits them when they try to grab space supplies from an “abandoned” WY space probe. You’ll ruin their surprise.

Genre I’d put it in: Sequel/Prequel (Presequel?) That Blows It In Act 3
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Part of the Alien franchise. Set immediately after the events of 1979’s Alien.

Gotta say: I tried my best to stay away from the trailers for Romulus, only to have the movie poster ruin the first death. This is a hint of what’s to come in this film. Romulus does a good job with setting up a new story, only to whiff it. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I really wanted to love Romulus, and for the first hour and change, I really did. Then the story, and the characters, started to try too hard to be something else. Something we’ve seen before. Oh, bummer.

I’m not saying that this story is a carbon copy of ones that have gone before. There are bits that distinguish it from the other films, including a spectacular look at how WY abuses human workers by having them work themselves to death on mining planets so polluted nobody can see the sun. That Our Gang decides to try to go to another, healthier, planet, had me rooting for them. The performers and the writing in this first part of the film had me invested in these folks. I wanted to see them succeed, and I got a healthy dose of dramatic irony, because I knew that not everyone would make it through what would be coming next. The cast does a great job inhabiting their characters, and while a few are boilerplate – The Jerk, The Innocent, The Token Asian First To Die (siiiiigh) – the actors are all-in. It’s a welcome change from the usual phoned-in performances we see in long-in-the-tooth horror franchises.

Then things start to get uncomfortable. First, we see a face we haven’t seen since the first film…or at least a version of that face. I don’t mind the CGI here, as the character is shorthand for anyone who’s seen the first film, and eliminates a lot of needless exposition for those in the know. But it’s the start of a whole lot of embarrassingly obvious pandering to the fan base. In the second part, the film turns into a Greatest Hits of stuff from prior films; these things worked when we first saw them, because they were new. But now? It’s what I assume my nieces and nephews feel whenever I try to “do the Tickety-Tockety”. Oh cringe, Boomer. Yeah, exactly like that.

I’d say that you could wait ’til this hits streaming, then do a drinking game where you take a drink every time you recognize something you’ve seen before, but? One, I really do think you should see this on the biggest screen possible, because the art direction is gorgeously detailed and you’ll want to sink into Romulus‘ world when you do watch. (Am I the only one who’s a franchise completist, no matter what? Cool, cool.) And two, I love y’all too much, and I don’t want to give you alcohol poisoning.

There are two moments that made me genuinely feel something in Romulus. The moment where a character delivers the line in Aliens. You know the one; when Ripley is in the combo loader? Yeah, that happens. The entire film stops for a second to get you ready for what’s gonna happen, then the character shouts the first half, pauses in a way that had to be a director’s choice, and then delivers the rest. Then the film holds for applause long enough for the other folks in the theater to hear me shout “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE”. Oops. And don’t get me started on how that character’s arc flip-flops between Good Guy and Bad Guy based on the whim of the writers. I’m still mad at how this actor’s incredible talent was wasted on coin-toss emotional shifts. (Yes, there’s supposed to be a reason why, and it makes sense in theory. But it plays out as literal moments of Deus Ex Machina.)

Then there’s a new hybrid in town, thanks to plot devices you’ll see coming a mile away. I genuinely couldn’t stop laughing when I saw the new hybrid, as it’s a horrible mashup of bits from the original four films, and the 21st century films. Seriously, I guffawed, and couldn’t stop. Luckily, the woman next to me had long since left the theater, never to return. I mean, fair. But c’mon, it wasn’t that bad. It was just rather disappointing.

Like Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Romulus has many points in the third act where the film could have come to a satisfying conclusion. Unlike King, Romulus doesn’t earn these “but wait, there’s more” scenes, as the film has already overdosed on fan-service and should have been allowed to end with some dignity. Heck, the first requisite Survivors Enter The Stasis Pods scene could have not only ended Romulus on a high note, but given viewers something to discuss – and a sequel possibility to hope for. But instead, it drags on, giving us more Alien v Character close-ups, jump scares, and other assorted bits we’ve enjoyed elsewhere.

I still say go watch, if you’re up for a film that’s gives good gore, and looks beautiful when the lighting is adjusted correctly. As long as you don’t mind a sequel that’s too busy trying to get you to remember the past instead of trying to come up with new things for us to want to remember.

#Protip: The space probe in Romulus is based on the Roman myth of Romulus and Remus. I’m guessing the naming of the spacecraft was to show the power-hungry nature of the corporation, or maybe that even in the distant future? It’ll still be all about the Roman Empire.