“Tell your God that until he brings me back my wife, my life no longer belongs to him.”

Story: 1480s Europe. Wallachian Prince Vladimir must leave his beautiful wife Elisabeta and fight against the Ottomans. His only request to his Bishop before the fight? That his wife survive. But? She doesn’t. Vlad does not take that well at all. He becomes so violently despondent that God curses him with immortal life. All the more time to search for Elisabeta, right? She’s gotta come back to him, right? Cut to 400 years later…oh you know the deal.

Genre I’d put it in: Love Sucks
Release Date: 2025 (limited/France) 2026 (wide/USA and Canada) [As I’m an Ugly American, I’m counting this film towards my 2026 quota. As with Dracula, I too am a monster.]
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the novel by Bram Stoker. With a heavy whiff of 1992’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and 60s 70s Hammer horrors.

Gotta say: I’m kinda meh about Valentine’s Day. Okay, so this bitch loves a theme, and I’ll take any reason to go all out for some stupid reason. So I’ll don the red and pink, grab up some black as well (because of course), pop up some hearts all over the house, and eat all the heart-shaped things. But I do that for me, not because of The Lurve or whatever. I’m a slave to the aesthetic, and to getting snuggly during this cold-ass month. This year though? I do believe that 14th Century Vampire Realness is gonna be big around here. Because this Dracula is a messy masterpiece of love, embarrassing obsession, and lush visuals that’ll steal your breath. Plus, it’s campy as hell.

Yep, director/screenwriter Luc Besson dialed the campiness of this love story with vampires up to 11, and I believe this is on purpose. Dracula veers wildly from bloody actioner to dramatic period piece to histrionics and crazy gargoyle kids (no you’re not having a stroke – I did say crazy gargoyle kids.) I couldn’t help but compare this film to toothy camp classics like Shadow of the Vampire and Lair of the White Worm. From the lusciously dreamlike shots that hark back to Excalibur, to editing where even abrupt cuts feel like precision storytelling, this is the horror film as extravagant cinema. That may be a buzzkill to some horrorhounds longing for gore, but if you’ve longed for the vibe of Hammer and AIP in 21st Century horror? Well, here you go. (Don’t worry my horror babies, there’s red stuff here. Just not a lot. But one scene in particular fits the bill nicely.)

One thing. Besson is what the cool kids would call a problematic fave, especially in this the year of our lord Release The Fucking Epstein Files Already. Apparently he’s a creepy-ass git, and this is something I learned earlier this week. I am nothing if not sheltered. While films like Léon: The Professional, The Fifth Element, are ones I’ve enjoyed many times (hell, I even liked Lucy)? There were big moments where I debated whether or not I should sing his praises. So instead, I’ll sing the praises of everybody else in this film:

• Kudos to Corine Bruand for her costuming genius, and Terry English for DAT ARMOR. (BTW, English used the team that worked on Game of Thrones to outfit other soldiers, and that attention to detail shows up big time. Gotta admit I paused the film a few times, just to take it all in.) The cinematography has a hazy, drizzly London Sunday feel to it, which lends itself well to the 60s/70s horror feeling this film is leaning toward.
• The Danny Elfman music is excellent, be it light and loving during the early parts of the film, to rough, insistent, and powerful during action scenes and the climax.
• The CGI gargoyles are silly, and had me thinking of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. They’re used as semi-comedic backup to Vlad, and I’m not quite sure what their story is. (The film doesn’t say much at all about them, and the final scenes at the castle only raise more questions.) However, they’re obviously cheesy looking, they have zero backstory or reason to be there, and they serve as waitstaff, complete with a dropped plate moment. What’s not to enjoy?
• The cast is equal parts serious and over-the-top. Caleb Landry Jones and Zoë Bleu have a nice romantic chemistry as Vlad and Elisabeta/Mina, and while Mina goes from “who are you” to “don’t leave me” in a heartbeat, looking at this film through the lens of camp helps this third act speed-run. Christoph Waltz is the Helsing-adjacent Priest, a clergyman whose laissez faire approach to life hides a serious faith. There’s also a nice bit of back-and-forth between Vlad and Priest at the climax, which tempered my negativity towards the quickness of things.
• Matilda De Angelis as Maria, here a blend of Stoker’s Lucy and Renfield, does an amazing job. Maria is a vampire that loves her un-life, and her hyperactive joy is a pleasure to watch. Plus, her first scene in the mental institution is gorgeously shot; Maria in chains, with her wedding dress a broken circle around her. I swooned.

Come for the vampire fun, enjoy De Angelis’ Maria, and the gorgeous artistry on display. Dracula‘s first act is excellent, the second one has a few spins on the lore that entertain, and the climax and finale are cool, if not completely satisfying after what’s come before. If you set yourself up for stylized vampire camp, you’ll have a good time. Pour some red, grab a box of silly Valentine’s bonbons, dim the lights, and enjoy this spoopy take on undying love. I may “need” to watch this one again next week. Friday the 13th leading into Valentine’s Day? C’mon. C’MON.

#Protip: Did they use fire in battles during the 15th Century, like Vlad does? You bet they did. How else do you think we got the term “Scorched Earth”?