“I intend to enjoy the time I have left, and I suggest you do the same. Life is precious. Enjoy every single second.”

Story: In 1969, young couple Iris and Paul attend the grand opening of Skybar, a Space Needle-esqe restaurant. Except Skybar is made from tissue paper and spit. So when Iris gets a premonition that everyone will die horribly? She prevents it. But as per usual, Death is pissed. But it takes decades to get the reckoning done, and now there are generations to obliterate…

Scares: Thrills and chills
Splat Factor:  OMG yes. This series is known for the gruesome stuff.

Subgenre: Worn-Out Franchise Additions
Year Released: 2025
Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Part of the Final Destination franchise. Hopefully the last one.


Trick or Treat?: I don’t know why I did this to myself. I absolutely hate Everyone Dies films. Okay fine; 5 was fun in an ironic, campy way. But Bloodlines takes itself way too seriously to be enjoyable, and with so many characters, it’s tough to give a damn who lives…or rather, when each one dies.

The only reason I tuned in was because this is Tony Todd’s final performance, and I had to pay my respects to the master. His scene here is bittersweet, as we see that his character William John Bludworth is much more connected to those even-the-score deaths than we’d previously imagined. Nope, he’s not death, and he’s not a harbinger. He’s just a man who knows way too much about these goings on from personal experience. It’s a beautiful send-off to a legend, and as always, he’s the best part of this film.

Speaking of deaths, there are some killer ones here, along with a few gotcha moments that’ll have you on the edge of your seat. The actors do reasonably well with what they’ve been given, but again, the sheer number of them, along with the “uh oh it’s been a minute since somebody bit it” pacing left me hollow when the majority of them say adieu. (Though the older Iris and poor Bobby Campbell, who gets the most Dude Did Not Deserve It Like That death. I genuinely felt for those two.)

Perhaps it’s simply that right now, I am not in the mood for a film that’s so completely nihilistic. I need at least somebody to come out the other side. I’m betting there would have been two characters that did, as the final scene feels like a tacked on addition the studio forced onto the creators.

If you’re up for awesome kills, visuals that go from awesome to CGI hilarity, and don’t mind the downer ending? You might enjoy this one. If, like me, you’re already getting enough bummer bullshit in your life right now? Maybe watch this one some other time.

Score: 2 out of 5 pumpkins.