#31in31 – V/H/S: Viral (and my first ever negative film rating)

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Oct 7 VHS Viral

“WHAT THE FUCK???”

Okay, this movie is such unmitigated garbage that I don’t want to spend any more time writing it up to fit the template.

Let’s just do this:

This pathetic anthology “film” has bad acting, horrible direction, and the worst editing I’ve ever seen (and I watched Pot Zombies.) Sloppy, amateurish, and with no sense of rhyme or reason beyond gettin’ those Benjamins, this film is a pure waste of time. Pity, as V/H/S and V/H/S/2 don’t suck.

Score: Zero pumpkins…no. This gets my first ever Negative Pumpkin. It’s that much of a disappointing, obnoxious mess my score for it dips into negative digits.

Pumpkin NEGATIVE

P.S.: I usually take notes when I watch a film I’m gonna review.  Wanna read my stream of thought while I was watching this turd? G’head…

Unedited: straight from Gnotes.  For your reading pleasure.  Sure, it may be a sketchy mess, but trust me, it’s more interesting than V/H/S Viral.

Oh my God – enough with the frazzled video and spliced scenes. UGH. Three minutes in, and I’m sick of it.

Oh, absorbed by recording everything guy’s girlfriend vanished? I couldn’t figure out what was going on, because the director was too interested in being edgy and found footage-y to care about viewers/making sense.  But go chase that ice cream truck, BF! Chase it!

Oh, now it’s about a magician and his spooky evil cape? Okay. Sure.
Well, this story is cool, at least.
Aaaaaaand now with the magician battle it’s back to stupid.
Nice wrapup though.

Jesus, back to the shaky crapcam? Dammit. I don’t care about BF and his GF. And I really hate the loud, bright static. WTF is going on now? Oh who gives a shit.

Is there a point to this? Some kind of coherent story  theme or something? Anything?

Oh look, a new story. With subtitles! As I don’t care about this film, I’m not focusing on subtitles. Time to boot up Panda Pop.

Subtitle guy made a portal, or Batcave or something. Look, it’s another him! Why not swap realities? 15 minutes. You can trust you.

WTF? With the bloody bag of something hanging in the middle of the room I’m assuming alt universe guy is a cannibal? Oh – the world religion is satanism! Ahh. Cheesy, but a cool idea. Digging the neon upside-down cross on the zeppelin flying overhead.

Wait…it’s back to lack of subtlety. Everybody drop trou! Worst no-no parts ever! But the alt wife has a funny quip at the end.

Still no idea what’s tying these stories together. The BF on his bike looking for his GF is vague as hell.

Look – Latin American stereotypes at a BBQ! One goes batshit and kills everyone. Because…?

Now a cellphone exploded, taking out an entire square block. SIIIGH.

New story boom – Lords of Dogtown wannabes. Hey, let’s take our dumb stoner asses to Mexico! Looks like Day of the Dead. I’m sure these guys will treat Mexico with respect. Sike! These guys are assholes.

Vague chunks of “meat” + pentagrams. Look, one of the guys bled on one. Oh good, they’ll die soon!

Well, this movie shits all over the Day of the Dead. Did I expect anything else?

Their gun sounds like a cap gun. Quality sound FX! Apparently nobody could dub in the sound of a real gun. Bonus: hideous editing. Truly horrible.  I want to beat this editor with celluloid ’til I feel better.  And right now I feel like shit.

Cue the rap music that Dogtown paused to turn on mid-battle. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS.

Cool skeleton cultists can’t make me think this is anything other than drek. It’s a sad day when good FX can’t catch my interest. Of course, that’s the only good thing I’ve seen in this turd of a movie.

Ugh. I’m being punished. That must be it.  I’M SORRY FOR THE WRONGS I HAVE DONE. PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP.

New story – great segue! Not. Girl is stripping in a car while a perv films. She’s got a gun – hooray! Now the tables are turned and he’s gotta strip.

Damn, tables turned again. And car wreck. Well, that was over fast. Of course. It’s the story with the most promise. Naturally these clowns didn’t know what to do with it.

Back to old BF & GF footage. Now some wandering dude. With a knife. Oh, it’s BF. Cue opera! Because why not?

The ice cream truck BF has been chasing is stopped in some BFE place! Yay – the movie must be ending soon!

Truck filled with TVs. GF is now Ghost in the Machine. Because she’s dead. Now he’s dead. The end! Yaaaaay!

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