#31in31 2016: House of Fears

house-of-fears-poster“My insurance doesn’t cover hormones.”

Story: Zane gives his friends a tour of the HoF before it officially opens. But unbeknownst to him, his boss had an African statue delivered. That demon statue was opened, so all mediocre hell breaks loose.  Surprised?

Scares: Really? In this crapfest?

Splat factor: Little to none. Some red but not much.

Closing scene “shocker”?: Sorta. They try, I guess? Meh.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Original-ish. Not the first house of horrors horror movie, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. But it’s not a remake or sequel.

Trick or Treat?: Did you know that all African artifacts are eeeeevil? Because they totally are. And that’s not racist at all. Oh wait.

This particular African artifact looks like someone in set design watched The Exorcist, figured nobody of that caliber would ever watch this crap of a film, and used the design.  Ditto for the monsters, one of which looks like a reject from Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s “Hush”.

The clichés are all here; the bitchy stepsister, the introvert shut-in.  The token black boyfriend, the slutty chick.  Hey, it’s Sam from Supernatural! But he just walks by in a house party scene. That’s all you’ll see of him. Guess he owed someone a favor? The one smart chick decides to bounce when the blood appears… But there’s no escape! Leaving people behind, getting lost, wandering off… All the Dead Soon high points are covered.

I didn’t understand the concept; sure, I understood why the teens wanted a peek at the haunted house before it opened.  But Zane is so paranoid that someone will touch something…why would he invite them in the first place?

So boring that midway through, I actually nodded off for about 10 minutes. I missed nothing. Horror movie nyquil.

Score: 1 out of 5 pumpkins.


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