“What the fuck?”
Story: Some random chick dies in a cut to black, and her random friends get “invited” to download an app…from their dead friend. Whoooo! But naturally these idiots download the app anyway. Will they all die one by one (save for the Final Girl, naturally)? Of course they will!
Scares: None, mostly because you never get a chance to care about any of the characters. But the movie’s so bad I was too busy bemoaning how it sucked to focus on the tired jump scares.
Splat factor: Zero. Everything happens off camera. Bodies are never shown, only reactions.
Closing scene “shocker”?: Of course. The creators are phoning it in – pun intended because fuck it I don’t care enough to try to come up with some other descriptive – so of course they’re using every trope from a horror movie binge they vaguely remember.
Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Original. Bad, but original.
Trick or Treat?: I’m not gonna try to be coherent here; this film wasn’t, so why should I break the pattern? Stream of consciousness straight from my notes it is!
- That opening sequence? I don’t give a shit about this chick, because the film’s only just started. I have zero reasons to care, and that five minutes felt way too long. Then again, none of the characters have any semblance of depth, nor does the story give viewers anything more than bodies to toss to the killer. Yawn.
- Vapid characters delivering lines like a cold read. Damn these actors are bad. Gods, truly awful. Not even ten minutes in, and I’m dying to cut this off. Picking up a crochet project I abandoned awhile back – might as well accomplish something.
- Jesus – who write this mess? The same people who directed this mess. And they can’t can’t block a scene to save his life. Don’t get me started on the Dutch angles and closeups that seem to be used only because the director and/or cinematographer just found out about them on YouTube. Oh, and the “ominous”, “spooky music” is overly loud and obnoxious.
The best parts of the movie? Cody (Mitchell Edwards), the usual token character in the usual Wonder Bread cast, has a scene where he talks to an old woman on the bus, calling her out on her “negrophobia”. Edwards is the only one in the cast with any actual talent (or the only one who could be bothered to do more than phone it in.) There’s also a scene where the characters briefly talk about the possibility of their addiction to their phones as the cause of the weird goings on, that they themselves could be causing the weirdness. Those two scenes hinted at the sly, entertaining story this could have been.
As it stands? Don’t bother.
Score: 0 out of 5 pumpkins. Cue the sad trombone. Oh wait, it left in disgust.