“I don’t scare easy, so when I do? I take notice.”

Story: A group of bad guys and gals come together at the behest of a powerful crime boss; their mission? Kidnap the young daughter of an extremely wealthy man, and hold her for 24 hours, ’til dad pays 50 mil. They don’t know each other, they don’t know who the girl’s father is, and they sure as hell don’t know that this is gonna be one bloody horrible night. Emphasis on blood.

Genre I’d put it in: Actioners With Bite (get it? Because Abigail’s a...fine.)
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: A “reimagining” of 1939’s Dracula’s Daughter, which itself is very loosely based on Bram Stoker’s Dracula (well, a deleted chapter) and Carmilla, by Sheridan Le Fanu. With me so far? Cool.

Gotta say: I love vampire stories. Just think; as long as you follow the rules, you can kick back and live as long as you like. I mean, there’s the whole blood thing, which is gross. But I guess you’d get used to it. And boy howdy, has our titular character gotten used to it. This girl is a one-woman wrecking crew, who’s not only had centuries to hone her craft, but time enough to really, really dig what she’s gotta do to survive. Abigail takes actioners, vampire movies, heist films, and haunted house thrillers, puts ’em in a blender, and hits pulse. Because it’s the kind of movie you’ll find your pulse racing to…and okay FINE. I can’t help myself; I’m writing this review on opening afternoon, and for some reason I have serious Dad Joke Syndrome. I’ll probably stop, but? You’ve been warned.

This is another film in what I like to think of as Universal Monsters But Do Your Own Thing Y’all. Abigail is a “reimagining” of Universal’s Dracula’s Daughter, a classic joint that if you haven’t seen yet? Honey. You need to. It’s a campy, Sapphic horror fantasy that almost made the then-newly minted Hays Code explode. Seriously, treat yourself. Anyway, Abigail takes the whole “vampiric daughter” thing, and ages down the lead, well, at least as far as appearances go. Little Abigail says she’s twelve, but to misquote Edward Cullen? She’s been twelve for…a while. 14 year old Alisha Weir plays Abigail, and directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (aka Radio Silence) really let her sink her teeth into the role. (#Can’tStopWon’tStop) Though she’s not tasked with the carrying the lion’s share of the story – this is more of an ensemble piece – Weir’s ability to shift emotional gears is wonderful to see. Hell, I don’t think she even needed those teeth prosthetics to channel her inner killer. Though they really are cool.

The cast is filled with performers I love watching; Kathryn Newton, Dan Stevens, Giancalro Esposito, Melissa Barrera, Kevin Durand, and more. Special shout-out to Angus Cloud as Dean, the full-of-himself driver who is more interested in goofing on his compatriots than focusing on what’s going on in this creepy-ass house. Cloud is a hoot, and it’s nice to see him in a role that’s heavily comedic. I’ve gotta stop this love train for just a sec, because this is where I need to talk about how Abigail is Cloud’s final picture, as he passed away just last year. I’ll miss his amazing talent, especially on Euphoria. But more than that, I’ll miss all the possibilities his talent teased.

The story here is a simple one you’ve seen lots of times; We Gotta Get Outta This Place. But with a little vampire girl being the biggest problem in Our Gang’s locked-down house. I like that these characters don’t really like each other, and absolutely don’t trust each other, but care enough about themselves to work together when their lives are on the line. The screenplay by Stephen Shields and Guy Busick treads old ground, but there’s a chaotic vibe similar to Busick’s Ready or Not that keeps things fresh and fun. Abigail isn’t exactly spooky or scary, but it is an absolute blast. Think of this as an heist film that happens to have horror movie elements. It’s got a similar comedic/horror/action balance as From Dusk Til Dawn and 1999’s House on Haunted Hill. The mood of these films may be different, but the “horror with cardio” vibes are definitely close cousins.

At around an hour and fifty minutes, it could use a nip here and a tuck there in terms of pacing, though while I was in the theater? Moments that feel a touch draggy get immediately jettisoned from my brainpan when the next scene crashes into the story. Yep, there’s a whole lot of crashing here. Crashing, banging, slamming, and various other attempts at escape, and ways to beat the holy [RADIO EDIT] out of the characters onscreen. Add in delightfully bombastic gore FX that also harks back to Ready or Not, and you end up with a movie that’s a fun, madcap roller-coaster ride. Abigail‘s basics may sound familiar, but you’ll enjoy the hell out of her story anyway.

#Protip: While the titular character may be more into classical music to dance en pointe to? This film’s end credit song is “Burn My Tongue”, a complete banger of a song by Jean Dawson. It’s got a beat that you’ll want to tune into to as you gather up your snack trash.