Wanna know how that little blue guy is doing? Synopsis!
Sonic the Hedgehog returns to the big screen this holiday season in his most thrilling adventure yet. Sonic, Knuckles, and Tails reunite against a powerful new adversary, Shadow, a mysterious villain with powers unlike anything they have faced before. With their abilities outmatched in every way, Team Sonic must seek out an unlikely alliance in hopes of stopping Shadow and protecting the planet.
Ready? Let’s go!
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*insert some boilerplate Netflix Christmas pablum here – I was too busy trying not to fall asleep, so I didn’t take notes*
Genre: Dull Dancing Spirits
Release Date: 2024
New Holiday Spirit or Ghost of Christmas Past?: New, but harks back to better films like Magic Mike and
Where I Watched: Netflix
Synopsis: A Broadway dancer gets canned ages out of her position in a popular Rockettes-esque revue, and “temporarily” moves back to her ol’ hometown. But her parents’ jazz club is 30k in debt, so they may lose the place. What’s a dancer to do? Well, let’s get some dancing started! Make it male only, and shirts definitely forbidden. Happy Holidays y’all!
Worth the Eggnog?: Damn. This movie does the impossible; it makes a movie about holiday strippers boring. They put together a cast of beloved television stars, plopped them into an intriguing premise, and then sucked all the life out of it. Ho ho ho-hum.
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Ready to check out a little Bob Dylan? Synopsis!
Timothée Chalamet stars and sings as Bob Dylan in James Mangold’s A COMPLETE UNKNOWN, the electric true story behind the rise of one of the most iconic singer-songwriters in history.
Ready? Let’s go!
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Ready to head back to the islands? Synopsis!
Walt Disney Animation Studios’ epic animated musical “Moana 2” reunites Moana (voice of Auli‘i Cravalho) and Maui (voice of Dwayne Johnson) three years later for an expansive new voyage alongside a crew of unlikely seafarers. After receiving an unexpected call from her wayfinding ancestors, Moana must journey to the far seas of Oceania and into dangerous, long-lost waters for an adventure unlike anything she’s ever faced.
Ready? Let’s go!
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“There once was a time when there was honor in Rome. That Rome no longer exists.”
Story: 16 years after the death of Marcus Aurelius (and the events of Gladiator), the Roman Empire is led by twin emperors Caracalla and Geta are living lives of excess. Meanwhile, a large number of those in Rome are starving in the streets. In Numidia, young married couple Hanno and Arishat gear up for battle against the Roman army’s lust for conquest. At Arishat’s death, Hanno swears revenge on the general who killed her…but first? Hanno must survive the gladiatorial arena. Is there more to Hanno than meets the eye? I mean, duh.
Genre I’d put it in: Fanfic Historical-ish Sequels
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Sequel to 2000’s Gladiator. Extremely loosely based on Roman history in and around the hear 200 AD. Like, there are a few characters that actually existed in real life, and Rome is a thing.
Gotta say: For men, the Roman Empire has become a kind of jokey way to talk about something that everyone seems to be fascinated by. I’m more of a medievalist myself, but I do love a good toga. When Ridley Scott decided to re-visit his smash hit Gladiator, I wasn’t too sure it’d be worth my hard-earned; of late, he’s been more miss than hit when it comes to Glorious Epics. But hey, I don’t pay to see these things! So I decided to check this out. And if you’re looking for more of everything the first film had to offer? Baby, you’ve come to the right place.
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“Glinda, exactly how dead is she?”
Story: Once upon a time, a young girl was born in Munchkinland. She was born with incredible powers, which could become a boon to the wonderful Wizard of Oz. She only thinks about how to make the world a better place, for both people and animals alike. And oh yeah; she’s green.
Genre I’d put it in: Broadway Musical Adaptations
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the Broadway musical of the same name. Which itself is based on the novel Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire.
Gotta say: I’ve only ever seen the “real” Wicked musical via slime tutorials. I know, I’m a bad person. I am also very lazy, and cannot get up off it to actually plan heading to NYC. So as my first experience of this musical in a (multiplex) theater? I was blown away. Everything from the performers to the sets, the choreography to the cinematography, it’s all incredible. So yeah, before you read the rest of this? Go buy your tickets now. Go on, chop chop. I’ll wait.
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“This is very…um… It’s just… It’s very weird.” [I mean…fair.]
Genre: Netflix Holiday Cheeseballs
Release Date: 2024
New Holiday Spirit or Ghost of Christmas Past?: New!
Where I Watched: Netflix. Obviously.
Synopsis: Kathy has been distancing herself from everyone and everything since she lost her husband. But the residents of Hope Springs have decided that this widow needs to jump back into life again. So when Kathy decides to drape her new red scarf around a snowman that looks like Michelangelo’s David? Christmas magic gets to work. *sings Frosty the Snowman*
Worth the Eggnog?: Oh c’mon. You know you wanna watch this. It’s premise is absolute balderdash, the lead actor looks like his cheekbones could cut icicles, and Holiday Queen Lacey Chabert is in the house! Frosty knows exactly what it is, and revels in it’s silly, cheesy goodness. Even Chabert said she had to fight to keep a straight face. Though how “snowman” Dustin Milligan was able to keep a straight face is the real question here.
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“Spread cheer, asshole.”
Story: Jack O’Malley has never believed in Santa Claus. But as he’s grown up, he’s believed in cold hard cash, and gambling. He hasn’t been lucky with either of those. So when he takes a “job” to hack a computer that stores arctic coordinates, he’s shocked to find out that he’s just helped the bad guys kidnap Santa, and he’s got 24 hours to get Santa back or Christmas ain’t happening. And let’s just say his E.L.F (Enforcement Logistics and Fortification) commander ain’t nobody’s Keebler.
Genre I’d put it in: Christmas Movies For Action Fans
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the mythology (?) of Santa Claus
Gotta say: I love holiday movies. Even the really bad ones can be fun. It’s gotta be a real flaming dumpster for me to hate something in this genre, but luckily? One is a blast that had me ho-ho-ho-ing in the aisles.
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When a screening happens on my birthday, I have to give out passes. It’s the law… Synopsis!
After Santa Claus – Code Name: RED ONE – is kidnapped, the North Pole’s Head of Security (Dwayne Johnson) must team up with the world’s most infamous bounty hunter (Chris Evans) in a globe-trotting, action-packed mission to save Christmas.
Ready? Let’s go!
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Exhausted with all the election stuff? ME TOO. But I’m also terrified. This is truly an extremely important Presidential election. It’ll chart the course for not only the next few years, but for years to come. (Eyes the SCOTUS nervously.)
I typically keep most of my leftist opinions to myself, but I need to share this with you. Especially those who are undecided, or planning on voting 3rd party. Take a minute to check out what John has to say, then make your decision.
Please vote.
Got a dollar to spare? A quarter?
