“Soon I’ll face a choice; drink the Red, or die.”
Story: Michael Morbius has been dealing with a deadly DNA-based disorder all his life. So has his friend Lucius (whom he calls Milo – like the last few kids in that hospital bed – so as not to get attached). Morbius
Genre I’d put it in: Horror-lite Superheroes
Release Date: 2022
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the Marvel comics character.
#Protip: There are two end credits tidbits for your enjoyment. And for folks wondering if Feige is gonna go for a Sinister Six thang… I’VE SAID TOO MUCH
I’ve been hearing really good things about this one. Like “already my #1 favorite film this year, don’t need to see anything else to make that determination” things. WHOA. So, you wanna see it? I mean, duh. You’re smart as hell, I know you. Synopsis!
From visionary director Robert Eggers comes THE NORTHMAN, an action-filled epic that follows a young Viking prince on his quest to avenge his father’s murder. With an all-star cast that includes Alexander Skarsgård, Nicole Kidman, Claes Bang, Anya Taylor-Joy, Ethan Hawke, Björk and Willem Dafoe
Hmm…so mysterious! Ready? Let’s go!
Ready to ramp up? Because here comes the sequel to the film about that Fast Boi! Synopsis!
After settling in Green Hills, Sonic is eager to prove he has what it takes to be a true hero. His test comes when Dr. Robotnik returns, this time with a new partner, Knuckles, in search for an emerald that has the power to destroy civilizations. Sonic teams up with his own sidekick, Tails, and together they embark on a globe-trotting journey to find the emerald before it falls into the wrong hands.
Did I mention there’ll be fun activities and a photo booth at this screening? Ready? Let’s go!
“Why are things exploding?”
Genre I’d put it in: Action Rom-Coms Much Better Than Their Trailers Let On
Release Date: 2022
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Feels like a 21st Century Romancing The Stone, and shares its title with1920 and 1935 action films, but is original.
Story: It’s been over five years since superstar romance novelist Loretta Sage became a widow, and she’s been absolutely over writing love stories for quite some time now. But when a billionaire adventurer set on making a name for himself kidnaps her because he thinks she and her late hubby knew about “The Lost City of D” [giggle]? Loretta’s gung-ho book-cover model Dash (Alan Caprison IRL) decides he’s gonna save her. Hey, he knows CrossFit, so they should be good, right?
Gotta say: City looked good in trailers. Bullock, Tatum, Radcliffe, Pitt? C’mon; take my money. But this felt like a summer film, so I worried all the good stuff was in those trailers. But nope; City feels like the love-child of Romancing the Stone and Galaxy Quest, and I’m here to tell you it was a blast. From the amazing comedic chemistry between Tatum and Bullock to the gorgeous wide-shots of jungle landscapes, to the beautiful score (and killer songs), this film is meant for the big screen, and all the treats your little tummy desires. Boosted and ready to hit the multiplex for a laugh? Your wish is this film’s command, y’all.
“You can book anything on AirB&B.”
Genre: Horror Satires Gone Wobbly
Release Date: 2019
Where I Watched: Vudu Free w/Ads
Gist: Mia and Dalvero are getting married this weekend! Mazel! And Mia scored a great deal on a summer camp, and has put her bridal party on clean-up/set-up duty. But the camp – as well as the town down the way – has a strange history. So when things start getting creepy for Our Gang after night falls? Well, who knows what’s going on? Seriously. Somebody please tell me.
Talky talk: I have to admit that renting a summer camp for a wedding sounds absolutely brilliant. Tons of space, lots of places to crash after the reception, and hello wedding s’mores! I also love a good horror comedy, but Wedding is only fair to middling in that department.
“If I’m gonna be having sex for you, I’m gonna need cigarettes.” [GOD BLESS GRINDHOUSE Y’ALL]
Genre I’d put it in: Artsy Exploitation Horror Homages
Release Date: 2022
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: You’ll get whiffs of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original), Psycho (ditto) and Midsommar, but this is an original.
Story: It’s 1979, and Maxine’s joining her fellow burlesque buddies in leaving Houston, Texas for a tiny town outside of nowhere. Why? Because they’re gonna Do A Pr0no, and small towns equal cheap fees. But the elderly couple that own the farm Our Gang has decided to film on don’t much like the looks of these saucy city folk. Not one little bit. But look! Hey big guy, sun’s gettin’ real low. This is not that movie. Not one little bit.
Gotta say: Holy crap I love this movie. In fact, I want to watch it again immediately. Thank you for reading this review. See y’all later… What? Fine. I’ll dig in a bit further. As much as I’m a horror fiend, I have to admit I’ve been a bit wary of genre fare of late. The bulk are either a bit too pretentious, a bit too shabby in the plotting/acting/everything, or almost good but not quite & that not quite really pisses me off. So when I tell you I am absolutely totally over the moon with X? I’m serious.
“What eats gold coins?” [Ooh, I think I know! – Eds]
Genre: Holiday Horrors
Release Date: 2012
Where I Watched: Vudu
Gist: Keening, Massachusetts hasn’t had a Saint Patrick’s Day festival in decades. Sixty, to be exact. Ever since a killer Leprechaun massacred the town…supposedly. But with this year’s fest and local gal Karen O’Hara accidentally unleashing some sort of Leprechaun creature in the woods? She’s got four days before things get redder than that clover she picked in the woods.
“Red is a lucky color.”
Genre: “Um, guess what?” Coming Of Age Animated Stories
Release Date: 2022
Where I Watched: Disney+
Gist: It’s 2002 y’all – hooray, we survived Y2K! And thirteen-year-old Meilin “Mei Mei” Lee is an eighth-grader on a mission; to be wholly herself. Y’know, unless she’s with her mom Ming, when she does what she’s told. Now, Mei loves being with her mom, but one night when Ming truly embarasses the [RADIO EDIT] out of Mei In The Public, in front of a group of her classmates? Mei wakes up the next day with a few changes. What’s red and white and freaked out all over? Yeah. Changes.
Talky talk: Hoooo boy did Red hit the memories for me. Lines like “Honoring your parents sounds great, but if you take it too far, well, you might forget to honor yourself”? I could have used that back when I was thirteen. [YOU CAN’T HONOR YOUR PARENTS ENOUGH – Editor’s Nisei parents screaming from their urns] But Red isn’t a Kids vs. Grownups story, though that would have been the easy road to go down. Instead, writer/director Domee Shi – you know, that amazing woman who created 2018’s Oscar winning animated short, Bao – digs deeper, to find the connections a newly minted teen might have with her friends, her family, her heritage, and herself. These connections weave together seamlessly into a narrative that’s fun, touching, and funky.
Horror, Cult Movies, Exploitation Cinema, 70s Schlock, and more! Let’s start the weekend off by getting freaky! Or something like that…
“Spring eats Summer, Summer eats Fall, Fall eats Winter, Winter eats Spring.”
Genre: Witchy Horror
Year Released: 2022
411: Written and directed by the family trio of John Adams, Zelda Adams, and Toby Poser.
Where I Watched: Shudder
Synopsis: Izzy is a teenager living the vegan scavenger lifestyle deep in the woods with her mom. Really gorgeous modern house, beautifully styled…so why are they “roughing it” away from humanity? Izzy is dying to know. But as she tries to befriend another teen, the answer becomes pretty clear.
Fabulous or Frustrating?: No, the title of this film isn’t based on the salamander. It’s the name of Izzy and her mom’s band, though they don’t play for anyone but themselves. A mix of Raw and The Witch, if that story was directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, this film is a mind-trip, but in a most excellent way. Like, totally y’all. (Don’t know why I’m writing like that, but let’s roll with it.) Hellbender mixes various types of witchcraft lore and cottagecore to create an interesting take on coming-of-age in the 21st century.
Note: Paramount has now lifted their covid restricted capacities so this screening may be filled up to 100%. Please bear this in mind when you’re deciding on attending. Be safe out there, lovely people!
I’ve gotta say the teasers for this film have intrigued me. Feels like Romancing the Stone by way of 60s James Bond . Anyway, synopsis!
Brilliant, but reclusive author Loretta Sage (Sandra Bullock) has spent her career writing about exotic places in her popular romance-adventure novels featuring handsome cover model Alan (Channing Tatum), who has dedicated his life to embodying the hero character, “Dash.” While on tour promoting her new book with Alan, Loretta is kidnapped by an eccentric billionaire (Daniel Radcliffe) who hopes that she can lead him to the ancient lost city’s treasure from her latest story. Wanting to prove that he can be a hero in real life and not just on the pages of her books, Alan sets off to rescue her. Thrust into an epic jungle adventure, the unlikely pair will need to work together to survive the elements and find the ancient treasure before it’s lost forever.
Ready? Let’s go!