“My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3” – sweet end-of-summer fun

Posted on September 7, 2023 by Denise

“Vacation!!!”

Story: The Portokalos family is struggling; patriarch Gus has passed, mother Maria seems to be suffering from dementia, and the cousins are busy with Real Life™. So Toula decides to head to Greece (with family in tow) and fulfill a promise she made to her dad; give his old coming-to-America journal to his BFF. But finding that old friend won’t be easy, especially as Gus’ familial village ain’t what it used to be…

Genre I’d put it in: Family Comedies That Make You Want To Travel
Release Date: 2023
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: The third part of the My Big Fat Greek Wedding franchise. Based on Nia Vardalos’ one woman play, which was based on her real life. Got that?

Gotta say: The first My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a touchstone between my sisters and I; Nia Vardalos’ story had one of my sisters rocking in the fetal from the spot-on secondhand embarrassment. Wedding 2 was okay, but felt like a re-hash of the first film, with too much harking back to the original story. But 3 is a glow-up in every sense of the word. They don’t bother with the glow-down/glow-up from 2 – can we just all agree that Vardalos looks absolutely freaking incredible, period? The location goes from stock-locale Chi-town to drop-dead gorgeous Athens. Even the wedding that’s the star of the film’s title feels like a natural occurrence that springs from the various subplots crashing together. (In the Portokalos family, things don’t come together. They crash.) 3 is a worthy successor to the OG film, and a lovely way to spend a sticky, icky day. Who doesn’t want to relax in the AC while looking at shots of places you’d rather be? *happy sigh*

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“Slotherhouse”

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Denise

“We’re all gonna die slow, horrible deaths at the hands of an adorable killing machine!”

Story: Emily is a sorority sister who has aspirations to becoming president of her chapter. But her social media stats aren’t great, so obviously that’s what’s holding her back. (Instead of the bullying Grade-A Beeyotch who’s the current prez.) What can a gal do? How about adopt a sweet sloth to boost those sad numbers as voting night approaches? I’m sure they make good pets. [Spoiler, in case you’re new here: DO NOT DO THIS.]

Genre I’d put it in: Brilliantly Batshit Animal Slashers
Release Date: 2023
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Oh, this one’s one of a kind, baybeeeee.

Gotta say: If y’all thought I wouldn’t go to the one night only, one show only, multiplex showing of Slotherhouse? Y’all don’t know me. And I am hurt. Slotherhouse is a big ol’ crazy mess, with dropped plotlines, characters we never get to know ’til they die, and a weird shift in sloth characterization (yes I just typed that) that’s absolutely stupid. And? Slotherhouse SLAPS.

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In Queue Review – “You are SO NOT Invited to My Bat Mitzvah”

Posted on August 29, 2023 by Denise

“Stacy Friedman’s crush on Andy Goldfarb has ended. Time of death, 5:23 pm.”

Genre: Coming Of Age Gurrrrl Power Comedies
Release Date: 2023
Where I Watched: Netflix

Gist: upper-middle class tweens Stacy and Lydia are BFFs. They’re also prepping for their Bat Mitzvah, and crushing on boys. Stacy has a misunderstanding that only an overly sensitive almost-teen girl can create – citation: my own tween life, when I was an emotional train WRECK – and her friendship with Lydia is in jeopardy. But so is Stacy’s Bat Mitzvah, as she puts way too much effort in what she thinks she wants, rather than what she knows matters to her. Y’know, middle school y’all.

Gotta say: Based on the YA book of the same name by Fiona Rosenbloom, and turned inhto a Netflix film by Adam Sandler, Mitzvah is an adorable tale of tweens becoming teens, and all the craziness that can go along with that. Plus? It’s a family affair, with Sandler’s wife Jackie as neighbor Gabi Rodriguez Katz, and daughters Summer and Sadie as Stacy and Ronnie Friedman. Yeah, you thought those girls looked a little like Adam. Boom. The story and overall feel of this story is very on brand for girls of a certain age – how many times have I and/or my sisters been on the receiving end of a strawman or ad hominem clapback from an ultra savvy teen? Yeah, we’re so totally not cool, you guys. *sighs sadly*

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“Strays” – dogs rule, this film drools

Posted on August 17, 2023 by Denise

“… I want it to be over… I really just want to be home.”
[film pulls thoughts out of my head and adds them to the film’s dialogue in real time]

Story: Reggie is a Very Good Boi whose human owner Doug is certifiable garbage. So one day when Doug abandons Reggie, Reggie makes new pupper friends…and vows revenge.

Genre I’d put it in: Stupid Films That Think Bodily Function And Anatomy Jokes Are Peak Hilarity
Release Date: 2023
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Typical juvenile Pee Pee Poo Poo humor, but otherwise original.

Gotta say: If you like an hour and a half of poop, pee, and peen jokes (aka The Pre-teen Holy Trinity)? Well honey, this is the movie for you! There. That’s my review. [Editor Me says we haven’t reached a respectable word count] Okay! So, Strays. There are two things that had me rolling my eyes during this screening. One, this whole “kiddy film for stoners” vibe isn’t my jam. Two, this film isn’t very good. Yes, I can recommend films I don’t particularly gel with, if they’re competently made. But, as with the first Borat? I see what they’re trying to do with Strays. They just didn’t do it well.

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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” – an eerie, effective trip

Posted on August 11, 2023 by Denise

“You would have made a wonderful Captain… Pity we won’t make it to London.”

Story: It’s 1897, and the British ship Demeter gears up to sail for London from Romania. As the crew load up their cargo, people start to get spooked. The deliverymen wish them the best of luck, and leave “before the sun sets”. A crew member sees the crest on one of the boxes and immediately leaves, telling the rest of the crew their cargo, and by extension, the ship and crew, are cursed. But I’m sure everything’s fine, right? There’s a cute kid, adorable doggo, and a seasoned captain who’s planning on making this trip his last. Don’t get attached, y’all…

Genre I’d put it in: Classic Horror With A Twist
Release Date: 2023
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the novel Dracula, by Bram Stoker. More specifically, chapter seven of the novel.

Gotta say: Before I get into my thoughts, I need to vent. And you’re here, so hello captive audience! I often take a quick peek at other critic/reviewer takes before I jot mine down, just to see where I land on the love it/hate it spectrum. Not that I care – y’all know a few of my takes are piping hot – but I do get curious. And one critic said of Demeter “[t]he title gives everything away”. WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK. Tell me you have absolutely no idea what the hell this story is based on, without writing that out longhand. Guess that person didn’t care for Titanic, Pride and Prejudice, Fruitvale Station, or any other film based on either true events or well known literature. Yeesh. Anyway, while that person is probably a better critic than I could ever be, and may just dig deeper into cinema than I ever do? I’m absolutely gobsmacked that there are people out there heading to review a horror movie by Universal Studios, with no knowledge of the material. Hell, we get press kits, y’all. Okay, I’ll breathe into a paper bag and continue on.

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In Queue Review – “Painkiller”

Posted on August 10, 2023 by Denise

Genre: Current History Docudramas
Release Date: 2023
Where I Watched: Netflix

Gist: A look at how the Sackler family (BOO HISS ) conned the world into the opioid epidemic, through dramatic retellings of Purdue Pharmaceuticals higher ups, oxycontin reps, and individuals affected by the “believed” safe drug.

Gotta say: Yeah, I don’t typically review TV series. Mostly because I’m very lazy. But I was moved by Hulu’s Dopesick, so I decided to check out how Netflix would tackle this debacle. And Painkiller weaves together drama, mind-trips, and real life interviews with individuals who have lost loved ones due to this crisis. It’s a strange trip indeed, but delivers lots to think about, and plenty of moments that will hit you like a gut punch.

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“Meg 2: The Trench”

Posted on August 8, 2023 by Denise

“I had to save the dog!”
[The dog is, in fact, saved. Again. You’re welcome. – eds.]

Story: Remember that preggo megalodon from the first film? Me neither, but other than Jason Statham punching a shark, I remember very little else about that whole thing. Anyway, that shark had a baby shark (DOO-DOO), and researcher Jiuming Zhang, decided to keep it For The Research. Naturally, our tiny baby escapes her enclosure and heads out to sea, just in time for Zhang, Jason Statham as himself Jonas Taylor and a bunch of Mana One’s researchers head down to the Mariana Trench. But the megalodons aren’t the only scary things swimming around down there. Hey, what’s that explosion?

Genre I’d put it in: Two Bloated Stories Shoved Into One Film Actioners
Release Date: 2023
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Sequel to 2018’s The Meg. Based on the series of novels by Steve Alten, most especially the second in this series, “The Trench”.

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“Talk to Me”

Posted on August 2, 2023 by Denise
While I firmly support the members of WGA and SAG/AFTRA, I also respect that they should be given recognition – and back ends – on work already in the can. Get those bags, y’all! So without further ado…

“That was…AMAZING!”

Story: Mia is a young woman struggling through both high school and the death of her mother two years ago. So when a viral TikTok challenge catches her eye, she decides to go for it. Problem? Well, this strange “check out how people freak when they contact the spirits through a weird embalmed hand” thing is a lot darker than the seemingly goofy reactions randos have online. Especially when you don’t follow the rules.

Genre I’d put it in: Hard-Hitting Social Media Possession Piece
Release Date: 2023
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: You’ll see this story hark back to stories old and new, but otherwise it’s one of a kind. FOR NOW…

Gotta say: I’ve been fascinated by the trailer for Me ever since it hit the YouTubes. And I’m happy to report that the film itself is even spookier than what we were teased with earlier this year. Me is a serious meditation on grief and loss, a low-key but effectively bloody horror, and a creepy paranormal chiller. That’s a lot to do well, but directors Danny and Michael Philippou, as well as their cast and crew, are able to pull it off. I can’t wait to watch this again during HallowMonth, dragging my whole fam to the TV Cave to get our spooky on. Me is going into the Comfort Food Horror shelf for me, for certain. Y’know, those horror films you love to watch multiple times because they’re so good, and then they just become ones you reach for over and over again, because they’ve dug into your soul? Yeah, that shelf.

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TrailerWatch – “SAW X” brings the pain…and Tobin Bell!

Posted on August 1, 2023 by Denise

“Of all the men to cheat, you picked John Kramer?’

Hoo boy. I haven’t been this stoked for a Saw movie since…a while. But I think everyone can dig a payback story. Synopsis!

John Kramer (Tobin Bell) is back. The most chilling installment of the SAW franchise yet explores the untold chapter of Jigsaw’s most personal game. Set between the events of SAW I and II, a sick and desperate John travels to Mexico for a risky and experimental medical procedure in hopes of a miracle cure for his cancer – only to discover the entire operation is a scam to defraud the most vulnerable. Armed with a newfound purpose, John returns to his work, turning the tables on the con artists in his signature visceral way through a series of ingenious and terrifying traps.

Looks like this installment has a few surprises,one of which is spoiled (?) in this trailer. But either way? This looks like a bloody good time.

Saw X hits theaters September 29th, 2023.

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“Barbie” – Sparkly, Subversive, and Sublime

Posted on July 21, 2023 by Denise
While I firmly support the members of WGA and SAG/AFTRA, I also respect that they should be given recognition – and back ends – on work already in the can. Get those bags, y’all! So without further ado…

“Goodnight Barbie! I’m definitely not thinking of death anymore!”

Genre I’d put it in: Sublimely Subversive Satires
Release Date: 2023
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on Mattel’s Barbie doll toy…universe? Yes. UNIVERSE.

Story: Barbie is just a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world. But one day, she starts thinking about death…and suddenly? Things aren’t so Barbielicious anymore. What’s a living doll to do? Well, first, she freaks out…

Gotta say: #Barbenheimer is a thing, y’all. Having Oppenheimer and Barbie open on the same day? Pretty gutsy, Hollywood. With no Barbie screenings here in Baltimore (and me too lazy to schlep to DC in this heat), I decided to do what the simple folk do (#CamelotLyricDrop) and pay to see it on opening day. And honey? It’s worth the hard-earned. Barbie delivers everything you could hope for and more.

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