Atomic Fangirl

Story: 1846.  Everyone on the East Coast of the USA seems to be headed to Cali-for-nih-aye, the golden promised land.  The Donner Party tries to get there, but not everyone will make it.  Okay, not everyone will make it without being digested by someone else.

Scares: Scary? No. Creepy and unsettling? Yes. For folks that want to cut to the cannibalism, er, chase, head to minute 51. “There’s nothing to eat.” Indeed.

Splat Factor: Great makeup FX, hollow eyes, pale skin and dried lips.  Very little blood for a history lesson on cannibalism in the good ol’ US of A (you’ll see more blood in the soccer-kids-survive-a-plane-crash film Alive.)  Even at the get to eating part of the film, it’s more off-cam butchering noises & people eating what looks like hunks of chicken breast.  Which I’m guessing it is.  Though with CG one never really knows.

Closing Scene “Shocker”?: Not at all.  A final fade out, then the usual historical “what happened next” paragraphs.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Oh it’s an original all right.

Trick or Treat?: Like a chocolate bunny, it’s not terrible but it feels out of season. And kinda hollow.  Not really spooky, but not exactly the usual dramatic history lesson.  Okay, so I chose this because of the title. But the first half feels like a historical docudrama, & the second half veers into frozen Lord of the Flies territory. Unlike the historical transcripts, this Party doesn’t wait for members to expire; they (and in particular Crispin Glover’s posh William Foster) kill to eat, or for revenge.

The title itself is a misnomer (shades of yesterday’s Madhouse): it’s really more a look at The Forlorn Hope sub-group than the whole party.  Movie-wise, I was surprised by the attention to detail; production values are pretty damn good for what I’d assumed was a toss-off film.  But you’ll see no gleeful human chomping or other Texas-Chainsaw-age here; “keep it down. Live.” Though a few of the members go a bit crackerpants towards the end. Wanna guess who leads the charge?

Historically accurate? No, though nice touch putting a Donner photo on the movie poster.  For example, nobody in The Forlorn Hope was shot down in their prime to provide sustenance for others.  Otherwise it follows the general timeline. Besides, even with survivor’s accounts who’s to say what is accurate and what was a fever dream?  I did notice a lack of kids in the film, something I’m sure the producers left out as nobody wants to watch children freeze to death.  My cousin who went to CU Golden said an on-campus cafeteria was called the Donner Café. Yeah, if I had known that I would have gone there too.  For Halloween The Donner Party a bit of an odd fit. Maybe on a cold, snowy night in December though….

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

Story: Rookie cop Johnny just captured a horrific serial killer known as “The Wolf”.  What’s he gonna do next?  Nope, not Disneyland; he’s gonna make sure that psycho gets locked up in Arkham Asylum.  Maybe because his estranged wife works there.  Maybe because it’s a good idea to have a dude with a gun in the asylum when the power goes out and the inmates get out.  And hey, why isn’t the doc in charge worried?

Scares: There’s more dark humor than horror here, but this film does manage to whip up a bit of eerie when the crazies come out.

Splat Factor:  Only so-so. But the cannibal lady cooking tips are awesome. Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Closing Scene “Shocker”?:  Not a final-scene gotcha, but there is a so-so reveal near the end.  TADA! But it’s a bit bombastic and interrupts the dark humor and creepy mood the film had been working hard to develop. Note to movie serial slashers: no need to pontificate. That’s not scary, that’s too much like school.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?:  It feels like Session 9 and the remake of 13 Ghosts had an underachieving baby, but this is an original.

Trick or Treat?:  Hmm. Like a Chunky bar, there’s some good (chocolate!) and some bad (raisins?  RAISINS?)  Raw Meat has a great idea for a serial killer in The Big Bad Wolf. Pity that’s the only originality in the whole film.  But hey, there’s Harmony! And Gimli (who pops in just long enough to get his mug on the poster and top billing)!  Aaaand a whole lot of other actors who need to pad their resume.  It’s as if the pitch meeting went like this: “Hey, the 13 Ghosts remake where folks get trapped with a bunch of killers? So cool! But we don’t have the money to go with all those special effects. Or hire any top quality talent. So let’s get a few lower rung stars and then pad the film with nobodies. Whip up a few gallons of faux blood, et voila! Oh, and try to work Wolverine’s claws in there, ‘kay?” And that, my friends, is the kind of movie you get when a director casts himself in the lead, and his wife as the heroine of the film.

To be fair, Raw Meat does understand that it’s a low-budget film, and so it pauses often enough to drop some pretty decent jokes at the genre’s expense.  At least they’re funny enough to stand out from the so-so beginning and mediocre middle. Any film that pauses to toss in a scene where a crazy cannibal lady shows Our Heroine how to prep and cook a human gets an A for effort.

The last third of the film, when the crazies are out & folks start dying, is fun and even manages a few scares.  Director/screenwriter/lead actor  Andrew Cymek did manage to put some time into creating the crazies in the asylum, and the actors that play ’em are obviously enjoying themselves.  Plus, even with Wolverine claws, the iron-clad costume The Wolf wears is totally badass.  It’s a grade-Z television movie, no lie. But it’s a fun ride that has just enough dark humor & slasher tropes to be a great late night horror goof with a bunch of your dearest bad movie lovin’ ghoulies.

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

Story:  Will isn’t a popular kid, but he’s got a huge crush on cool Eliana.  Hey, wouldn’t it be great if he, y’know, had some sort of special power?  Something like that could also come in handy when his long-lost crazypants mom tries to get him to join her pack and end the human race.  Just sayin’.

Scares: Few and far between; mostly it’s just the usual “What’s Happening To My Body?” stuff you see in werewolf movies.  And high school sex ed videos.

Splat factor:  Meh. As with the rest of the FX, all gore is shot with a dark filter, and at top speed. Probably best, as the werewolves are strictly rubber-suit wonders with shaggy Great God Pan pants. And tails. Tails, y’all.

Closing scene “shocker”?:  Not really.  More of a during-&-post credits “reveal” that echoes the final scene of the original The Howling.  Which I now really want to re-watch so I can remember how to do this sort of storyline right.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Though this isn’t part 742 of the Howling series (it’s part 8) it sure feels like it.

Trick or Treat?: Like a box of booze-filled chocolates, if you’re going to do this, you’d better get a buzz early on. Or you could just hop right to the end of the film.  You won’t have missed anything.  As with most direct-to-video releases, it’s got a slew of unknowns with a few sorta-know-’em actors tossed in because they need to make the rent.  Lindsey Shaw from Pretty Little Liars gets top billing here, and by the looks of this film she’s the only one who ever took acting lessons.

Sadly cheesy and dull as dirt in the first half, yet even with the overacting by Momma Wolf , The Howling Reborn slowly turns into a meta/tongue in cheek salute to cheesieness with a fun ending – including a during-credits montage & a post-credits bit.  That makes this a decent film to watch while you check your phone apps. Just stop your surfing during the final 20 minutes and enjoy.

Score:      out of 5 pumpkins. (Bonus half-pumpkin for the “No actual werewolves were harmed in the making of this motion picture.” bit at the credits.)