#31in31 2016: The Secrets of Emily Blair

the-secrets-of-emily-blair“You wanna do good in this world? You gotta get your hands dirty.”

Story: A nurse got kissed by some possessed dude.  Gotta hate when that happens.  Meanwhile, her fiance notices things aren’t quite right with his lady.  The trail of blood in her wake should be a hint and a half.  Call the priest!

Scares: None.  This film is just disappointment mixed with holy water and regret.

Splat factor: A bit. Think low-budget blood FX; minimal gore to keep FX costs down.

Closing scene “shocker”?: A stupid, pointless post-end credits scene.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Yet another possession film.  But it’s based on nothing.

Trick or Treat: Adrian Paul! Sherilyn Fenn! Colm Meaney! And Larry Drake in his final role (RIP.)  All wasted in the crapfest.  UGH.

Don’t believe me?  This is an actual line: “You should be horrified – because you know that when you look at me? I’M NOT EMILY!” Yep.  Wait, it gets better: “We’re gonna win this, you and me!

The cast is game, and I always love an opportunity to see Adrian Paul (there can be only one, you know.)  But they can’t get beyond the silly dialogue and cheesy soundtrack, a story that racks up a body count just for the hell of it. (Pun intended, it’s the only enjoyment I got out of this hour and a half of wasted time.)

But sadly, the story just isn’t much more than a Halloween themed movie of the week, with “love conquers all” as its message. The climax is more silly than scary, complete with “Are you ready for this?” comment from the demon. (Yes, really.) Guess they get cable in hell, good to know.  Aaaaaaand you know it’s low budget when the end credits music cranks up Z-grade metal.

As for the FX?  The netherworld demon is just a guy in a baggy costume Universal Horror Nights tossed in the trash. Probably the reason he’s only filmed out of focus, with tons of “fog”. On earth, Possessed Emily ends up looking like the suburban stepsister of Enchantress. That’s not a compliment.

Silly, pointless, and a waste of good talent.  I’m guessing Paul, Fenn, Meaney, and Drake all owed somebody on this film a favor (or they all had mortgage payments due.)  One pumpkin simply for the netheworld scenes, and the idea that the demon can drain a cell phone battery, so its intended victims can’t call for help.  Hoping that’ll be used in a film that’s actually worth watching.

Score: 1 out of 5 pumpkins.


About Denise

Professional nerd. Lover of licorice.
This entry was posted in 31 in 31, Movie Reviews and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to #31in31 2016: The Secrets of Emily Blair

  1. Markus91 says:

    I see your blog is in the same niche like my page. Do you allow guest
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  2. Michael says:

    Can somebody pls tell me what is the name of that “Z-grade” metal song at the end credits??? I freakin loved that beat! PLS!?


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