31 in 31 – Werewolf: The Beast Among Us


Story: Werewolves stalk the country. Uh oh. Better call out the posse!

Scares: Only for the very n00b, or the extremely faint-of-heart.

Splat Factor: Lots of body parts a’poppin off. And since one of the posse is a doctor, there’s plenty of Post Traumatic Stress Gore.

“Shock” Ending?: Nothings shocking here.  You’ll be guessing everything that happens waaaay before the reveals hit.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: This is a melange of a lot of werewolf mythology (and a rip-off of many genre cliches), but Werewolf is an original.

Trick or Treat?: A Universal horror movie? Mmm, tasty time, right?  Don’t get too excited; Werewolf: The Beast Among Us is straight-to-video and director Louis Morneau (Bats, Carnosaur 2) isn’t exactly known for his quality output.  The motley crew o’ hunteres aren’t given much (or any) of a backstory, so there’s very little to give a shit about when they start to go down. The “who’s the beast?” mystery is bloody well obvious, and even two of my favorite actors — The Crying Game‘s Stephen Rea and Nia Peeples (TV’s Fame, Pretty Little Liars) — isn’t enough to give me the happy.  As for the love story tossed in, Rachel DiPillo’s Eva has more chemistry with smarmy hunter Stefan (Adam Croasdell) than with fresh faced young doctor Daniel (Guy Wilson).  What does give me a chuckle is the IMDb page doesn’t even bother to list the names of many of the characters.  That’s a hint and a half for yo’ ass, people.

The “hero hunter”  (Ed Quinn, Eureka) uses lines ripped straight off of Quint in Jaws. And, of course, there’s the famous “even a man that is pure of heart” bit from the original The Wolf Man. I guess that since this film is also by Universal, copyright infringement isn’t an issue.  But the werewolf transformations and gore FX?  Top-notch.  There’s even a vamp here — not a spoiler because you’ll figure something’s up early in — and that’s got some great makeup too.  Pity there’s only a bit of toothy action before his character shuffles off.

Best to reach back into the Universal catalogue for the real goodies.  For “movie in the background” times, but otherwise this is sadly lacking.

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

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Poem for Halloween Month: Thanatopsis by William Cullen Bryant

Yeah yeah yeah; poetry ain’t movies.  Or tv.  Well, thank goodness.  Since it’s Halloween Month, I figured I’d share a poem I stumbled upon recently (yes, I’m slow.)  I’m guessing (Don’t Fear) The Reaper, Dust In The Wind, Knocking On Heaven’s Door, Welcome To The Black Parade, If I Die Young and scads of other songs take their cue from the vibes this poem laid down.

It’s a beautiful piece.  So, I share.

Thanatopsis

To him who in the love of nature holds
Communion with her visible forms, she speaks
A various language; for his gayer hours
She has a voice of gladness, and a smile
And eloquence of beauty; and she glides
Into his darker musings, with a mild
And healing sympathy that steals away
Their sharpness ere he is aware. When thoughts
Of the last bitter hour come like a blight
Over thy spirit, and sad images
Of the stern agony, and shroud, and pall,
And breathless darkness, and the narrow house,
Make thee to shudder, and grow sick at heart;–
Go forth, under the open sky, and list
To Nature’s teachings, while from all around–
Earth and her waters, and the depths of air–
Comes a still voice.

Yet a few days, and thee
The all-beholding sun shall see no more
In all his course; nor yet in the cold ground,
Where thy pale form was laid, with many tears,
Nor in the embrace of ocean, shall exist
Thy image. Earth, that nourished thee, shall claim
Thy growth, to be resolved to earth again,
And, lost each human trace, surrendering up
Thine individual being, shalt thou go
To mix forever with the elements,
To be a brother to the insensible rock
And to the sluggish clod, which the rude swain
Turns with his share, and treads upon. The oak
Shall send his roots abroad, and pierce thy mold.

Yet not to thine eternal resting-place
Shalt thou retire alone, nor couldst thou wish
Couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down
With patriarchs of the infant world — with kings,
The powerful of the earth — the wise, the good,
Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,
All in one mighty sepulchre. The hills
Rock-ribbed and ancient as the sun, — the vales
Stretching in pensive quietness between;
The venerable woods — rivers that move
In majesty, and the complaining brooks
That make the meadows green; and, poured round all,
Old Ocean’s gray and melancholy waste,–
Are but the solemn decorations all
Of the great tomb of man. The golden sun,
The planets, all the infinite host of heaven,
Are shining on the sad abodes of death
Through the still lapse of ages. All that tread
The globe are but a handful to the tribes
That slumber in its bosom. — Take the wings
Of morning, pierce the Barcan wilderness,
Or lose thyself in the continuous woods
Where rolls the Oregon, and hears no sound,
Save his own dashings — yet the dead are there:
And millions in those solitudes, since first
The flight of years began, have laid them down
In their last sleep — the dead reign there alone.

So shalt thou rest — and what if thou withdraw
In silence from the living, and no friend
Take note of thy departure? All that breathe
Will share thy destiny. The gay will laugh
When thou art gone, the solemn brood of care
Plod on, and each one as before will chase
His favorite phantom; yet all these shall leave
Their mirth and their employments, and shall come
And make their bed with thee. As the long train
Of ages glides away, the sons of men–
The youth in life’s fresh spring, and he who goes
In the full strength of years, matron and maid,
The speechless babe, and the gray-headed man–
Shall one by one be gathered to thy side,
By those, who in their turn, shall follow them.

So live, that when thy summons comes to join
The innumerable caravan, which moves
To that mysterious realm, where each shall take
His chamber in the silent halls of death,
Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,
Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

– William Cullen Bryant

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31 in 31: Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies


Story: Read the title. Got it?

Scares: I was so busy marveling at the complete budgetless-ness of this movie that I had no time to be scared.

Splat Factor: Zombie movies usually means gore.  But all the Hershey’s Syrup in the world doesn’t make a film seem splatty.

“Shock” Ending?: Nope.  Or one that was so dull it didn’t even register.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Though the title — and the movie itself — is a shameless way to jump on the big-budget Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter bandwagon, this particular film stands alone. Nobody else would want to get close to it.

Trick or Treat?: Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies is tantamount to knocking on a door on Halloween and getting a cheap toothbrush.  You have to marvel at the balls it takes to make that decision, but that doesn’t mean you gotta like it.

The director doesn’t even bother to take out things like gas meters and circuit boxes out in post. Which probably means they didn’t have the know-how or the software. Probably both.I think the only cinematographer this film had was Picasa’s auto contrast.

Even though this is a film that’s so obviously made with a budget of about $150, Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies moves along on the steam of it’s own sheer audacity. It’s got horrible acting, non-existent set design and bad makeup (Honest Abe’s mole looks like it’s first film gig was as the wart in  Uncle Buck, when it’s not disappearing entirely.  And don’t get me started on the spirit-gum-glued beards.)  To add insult to injury the whole film IS PLAYED STRAIGHT. But it’s so sure of itself it’s like a train wreck; it’s impossible to look away from the awful.  You could just kick back and see if you can add to the Goofs section of this film’s IMDb page.  I’m sure there are tons more that folks have missed.

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: Lake Placid

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Story: Big-ass crocodile. Betty White. The sleepy lake town they both reside in doesn’t stand a chance.

Scares: Gory stuff, but aside from a few Gotcha moments it’s just a wonderful 50s-like monster mash. In glorious, bloody color.

Splat Factor: Big-ass crock. You do the math. Oh, and Stan Winston’s crew does the FX. Woot!

Closing Scene “Shocker”?: Yes, but here it’s all in good fun.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?:  Three sequels, but this first film is the only one that actually saw a multiplex.

Trick or Treat?: After House, I felt like a little Steve Miner crocodile action, to see if after all the Betty White overexposure the film still stood up. It does. Like caramel apples, you think you may have grown out of ’em. But good is good.

And the gator ain’t the only one chewing up the scenery. Bridget Fonda is absolute fun as NYC palentologist that absolutely fucking hates anything having to do with chlorophyll. In fact, the whole cast has great chemistry and they play with/against each other beautifully. THAT’S how you cast a movie, y’all.

A hilarious but effective screenplay by David Kelley (Ally McBeal, Boston Legal) doesn’t hurt. Lines like “the longer you stay alive, the longer you get to have sex with your sister!” – delivered by Oliver Platt’s cuckoo mythologist – is one of the many reasons I love Kelley.

Okay, I now officially like comedy/horror just as much as horror-horror. Now I’m off to make s’more bars & give this a re-watch.

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

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Heads Up Alert: 3-day sale at Alliance Comics

I love comics.  I also love paying my mortgage.  So I really, really love when comic stores throw a sale.  And when they give me free comics?  I love you, comic book store.

On the 27th & 28th and on Halloween day, Alliance Comics in Federal Hill will be giving away comics to cosplayed-out nerds as a thanks for being, well, nerdy.  You’re welcome y’all.  It’s what we do.

Straight from their e-mail blast:

Spooky times are coming – Halloween Comic Fest begins! Three days, three sales! All three days, everyone gets 3 free comics – if you’re int costume, you get six free comics! (free comics are from a selection published especially for Halloween Comic-Fest)
Saturday October 27th – 20% off all graphic novels / Horror GN’s are 30% off!
Sunday October 28th – 25% off all board games!
Wednesday, October 31st – 30% off all toys and statues!

So, see you — in costume — at Alliance. Trick or Treat, smell my feet, gimme something good to read!

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From Geek for e: Carly Rae Jepsen & Fun Size


As always, clicky on the hypertext to read the full article…and to take a peek at the pics from the event!

Carly Rae Jepsen: Call me, Fun Size

It’s almost Halloween y’all.  Remember when we had to drag our little siblings around from door to door, when all we really wanted to do was hang out with our friends and eat candy?  Moooooom!  Fun Size, a film about just that, hits theaters this Friday (that’s the 26th, y’all).  What sets this film apart from the usual happy-happy-joy-joy of Nickelodeon is Josh Schwartz, a guy who’s known for his work on Gossip Girl, Chuck and one of my all-time favorite not-so-guilty pleasures, The OC.  And after I got a peek at the trailer I was very interested in seeing how this movie plays out.

Fun Size actors Victoria Justice and Thomas Mann hit the Mall of America (rather apropo, considering this is a film made for kids & tweens) with Carly Rae Jepsen in attendance.  Needless to say, there were throngs of eager fans.

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31 in 31: Land of the Dead

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Story: George Romero’s zombies have taken over the world. Three years in, a safe-haven has been constructed in Pittsburgh. But you have to be the “right kind of person” to enjoy any kind of real life. Uh, best not to try keeping your fellow man down when you got zombies at your door. And I think they’re starting to get smart….

Scares: A few, but this is mostly zombie sociology. Noobs to the genre (or to Romero’s zombies) may be frightened, but everyone else will just be enjoying the ride.

Splat Factor: Did I mention that this is a George Romero joint? So you know there’s going to be a ton of FX…including the most badass kill by a zombie every. (Think PEZ dispenser. )

Closing Scene “Shocker”?: No. In fact, there’s a touch of sweetness. No I’m not crazy. (Not about this anyway.)

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Part of the Dead series by George Romero. Number 4 in 6. So far.

Trick or Treat?: This film comes with a high-class pedigree – think of the Dead films as the Godiva chocolates of horror – so there’s a lot to live up to. And like their chocolate counterparts, some are better than others. Land of the Dead is better than Diary of the Dead and the strange Hatfield &McCoys of Survival of the Dead, but not as good as the earlier films (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead & Day of the Dead. Well, maybe it’s as good as Day.)

And then there’s the Romero message that comes with all his flicks; this time it’s twofold. A slap in the face to the Bush administration and it’s handling of the events after 9/11 – “We don’t negotiate with terrorists!” And a look at just how bad a Have/Have Not system can be.

A great cast of genre faves fill the cast, making it fun to play “Whodat?”; Simon Baker (The Mentalist), horror royalty Asia Argento, Robert Joy, John Leguizamo, Sasha Roiz (Grimm), and many others, including Dennis Hopper as douchebag Kaufman. Check IMDb for all- star zombies like Simon Pegg, Tom Savini and Greg Nicotero. Schweet!

Score: image image image image out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: House (1986)

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Story: So there’s this doctor, and even though he’s brilliant, man is he an asshole. No wait. There’s a guy named Rodger Cobb, but he’s a horror writer who wants to switch to nonfiction. He’s got a hot movie star ex-wife and a house he just inherited from an aunt that recently committed suicide. And from where his little boy vanished several years ago.

Scares: Well, Cobb uses DOS…. *shudder*  Truthfully, though there’s plenty of funny, this is brought to you by Friday The 13th’s Sean Cunningham & Steve Miner. Even with the cheesy 80s rubber monster FX. (Hey, worked for The Evil Dead.)

Splat Factor: Mostly demon goo. Mostly.

Closing Scene “Shocker”?: Nup. Yay!

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: 100% it’s own.

Trick or Treat?:  House gives you something you want, and something you didn’t know you wanted: a cool horror story with real humor. If you like the bits of humor scattered around Friday The 13th, Lake Placid and Smallville, you’re gonna enjoy this. C’mon, the tag line is “Ding Dong. You’re Dead”. I know, right? This film feels like a cool mashup of ghost story, haunted house, EC horrorshow & comedy. Best of all, this works.

Bonus: this horror-comedy came out years before the horror-comedy genre really took off. And there’s William Katt, aka the Greatest American Hero (and in Carrie, the greatest short-lived prom date) as Cobb.

Katt is pretty smokin’ here, but I had to laugh at the 80s fashions. Honesty, did guys really wear those deep-vee chunky sweaters as a single layer? Miner surrounded Katt with great character actors like George Wendt (Nooooorm!) and Night Court‘s Richard Moll. Kay Lenz – The Tick‘s American Maid – plays Cobb’s not-so-estranged ex.

As Cobb’s new book plays out in his head, it soon starts playing out in his crazypants haunted house. Cobb’s “yeah, she always said it was haunted” attitude keeps scares while lightening the load a bit.

And baby, you haven’t lived til you’ve seen a dude blow away a stuffed swordfish.

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: Apartment 143 (Emergo)

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Story: A widower asks a crew of paranormal investigators to help with a presence that seems to be following his family (dad, adorable little boy & useless asshole teen daughter) no matter where they live. Is it the ghost of his wife, or something much more sinister?

Scares: No. But there’s plenty of boredom. This film is unable to deliver any real terror. With cameraman POV & American Horror Story shudder-editing during the scary “bits”, it gets stale fast. Real fast.

Splat Factor: With the crappy camerawork masking probable lack of real skills, and the overuse of sepia and grey filters as well as day-for-night shots, who cares?

Closing Scene “Shocker”?: They try, but with this film’s inability to connect the audience to the characters, it’s really a Closing Scene Whatever.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: though the cameraman POV is a now overused cliché, Apartment 143 is original.

Trick or Treat?: Groovy poster. Listed as a foreign film (though it’s in English it’s from Spain.) Hmm…. Oh dammit. Another shakey-cam film. Which means it’s not found, it’s just all POV from the paranormal crew’s camera. Wasn’t in the mood for this. But it’s only an hour and twenty minutes, so I let it roll. And promptly hated myself for that choice 12 minutes in. Like Charlie Brown, I got a rock.

No characters are worth giving a crap about, not even Dr Paranormal, aka Caddyshack‘s Michael O’Keefe (what’s his character’s name here? Who cares.)

I did love how the film uses the crew talking to the little boy while they’re setting up as their way to describe how all their paranormal doohickies worked. Much better than the usual professorial blowhard as Exposition Fairy.

What really blew it for me in Apartment 143 was when Teen Daughter – either possessed or just having really bad Teenage Bitch PMS – does a few Evil Dead/Exorcist tricks…then cut to everyone eating a quiet breakfast! That sound you hear it me dropping my ability to give a shit about this film.

My favorite Apartment 143 paranormal doohickie? A that’s useful for “making annoying spirits disappear.” Where can I find one of those? It’d sure come in handy right now.

Score: out of 5 pumpkins. Yep, zero.

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31 in 31: Paranormal Activity 4

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Tomorrow is crazy busy, so I decided hey, I can cheat use a movie that’s currently in theaters! Let the 31 in 31 sacrilege begin!

Story: Look at this gorgeous neighborhood! Isn’t it great we live here? Oh wait, the young woman with a young kid had to go to the hospital for a few days? Even though we don’t know them, we’ll take in the little boy. What can possibly happen?

Scares: Lots of Who Goes There moments, but not much that you haven’t seen before. That said, the PA series does what it does well, and even though there are moments when you’ll wonder if this series is losing steam (it is), you can relax, knowing that ultimately it’s gonna bring it (because it does).

Splat Factor: Not really. As with the ones that have gone before, this is more demon wooga-wooga than blood & guts.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Part four of the Paranormal Activity franchise. Obvs.

Trick or Treat?: Honestly, if you’re reading this far, you probably want to see this and just wanna know if it sucks. It doesn’t. Then again it’s not great either. Like a lime Tootsie Pop, you may just want to get to the good stuff near the end.

The use of newer tech (like camera chat, Kinect and laptop cameras) give PA4 some fresh air, but while we’re waiting for the climax there are a few times when the story just stalls. A tidbit of the demon/coven mythology that this series has been sloooowly giving out makes the ending – and the post-end-credits scene, a first for this series – will make it alright for fans like me, but others may not be so forgiving.

So decide if this series is your cuppa, and go (or don’t go) from there.

Score: imageimageimage out of 5 pumpkins.

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