Julianne Hough looks for Safe Haven (new images)

Posted on October 19, 2012 by Denise

Hey guys and gals — new Nicholas Sparks comin’ at’cha!  Okay, not until next year.  But with the success of The Lucky One, looks like there’s a new film coming soon.  And it’s got fan favorites Julianne Hough (Rock of Ages) and Josh Duhamel (Transformers) as the couple-to-be.

From IMDb:

A young woman with a mysterious past lands in Southport, North Carolina where her bond with a widower forces her to confront the dark secret that haunts her.

This sounds like more of a romance/thriller than Lucky One, which was pretty much your standard Harlequin.  (Good standard Harlequin — I’ve always made it known that typical chick flicks don’t do it for me but TLO ain’t bad.)

Things look like they’ll be pretty cozy for lovebirds Katie and Alex.  But with all “mysterious past” stories, you know that there’ll be plenty of Sturm Und Drang.

Safe Haven is scheduled for a February 8th, 2013 release.  So now you know what your SO will be wanting to do for Valentine’s Day.

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31 in 31: The Tall Man

Posted on October 19, 2012 by Denise

Story: the town of Cold Rock is crumbling after the loss of the mine that supported it. Nurse Julia is trying not to crumble after the death of her husband, the town doc. When an ongoing series of child disappearances directly affect Julia, she goes on a search to find The Tall Man, a legendary – and most say mythological – man that has been blamed for the disappearances. But who or what, is the real threat, and what’s truly going on in this town?

Scares: this has more of a thriller vibe than horror, despite the creepy poster. But it still manages to dig into your soul for a bit.

Splat Factor: lots of blood whenever someone gets hurt running from or trying to catch someone.

Closing Scene “Shocker”?: No, but there’s a definite WTF moment halfway in which is pretty damn good, not to mention several twists and turns all the way through.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: An original. Mos def.

Trick or Treat?: Okay, before I get into the thick of things, can I just say how absolutely amazing Jessica Biel is in this film? Because her performance is the definition of Tour de Force. (I wouldn’t be surprised if Webster just swapped their annotation will a still of her in this film.) Phew, thanks. Had to get that out. It’s also nice to see little Twilight‘s Bree Tanner as a mute girl who is attached to Julia. She’s also the narrator, which should be a tip-off to the unique storyline of the film.

I have to come clean; I started on this review several times. But this movie defies preconceived ideas. Just let it play out, because even if you think you know how things are gonna go, you’re probably wrong. Even if by some miracle you’re right – *coughCheckedWikipediacough* -it’s still thrilling to watch.

The Tall Man is like a Mystery Flavor Dum-dum; a Halloween delight that will keep you guessing.

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: Scared Shrekless

Posted on October 18, 2012 by Denise

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Yesterday was rough. Kitty went to the V. E. T. for teeth cleaning. Listless after the anesthesia, they said. Disinterested, they said. Not hungry, they said. PAH. So yeah, spent half the day & all night making sure Skamperpuss didn’t do herself some harm.

Ergo, a quickie 31 in 31 based on one of my favorite monsters. The format with be tweaked slightly, since after Scary Godmother, I think kiddie-centric stuff could use a different scale.

Story: Shrek is King of Halloween! But Donkey, Puss In Boots, Pinnochio & the rest of the gang challenge his right to the title. So why not head to the old, abandoned castle of Lord Farquad, spin a few scaaaaary stories, and see who’s really brave enough to last all night….

Scares: for the very young there may be a few ‘dark & stormy night’ chills. Outside of that, Scared Shrekless plays for laughs.

Nightmare Factory?: if you (or the little ones you know) think dripping icing & a new, more sinister Land of Dulac puppet song are scary enough to plant themselves into your brain? Consider yourself warned. Otherwise, there’s comfort in the familiar characters, and their usual way of interacting with each other. Everyone should sleep well after this special.

Based on…?: The Shrek series of films, which are based on the children’s book.

Trick or Treat?: Come on y’all, it Shrek! And Donkey! With Fiona & the kids, plus all the fairy tale characters you know and love from the Shrek series. (Well, except for Dragon. A curious oversight that made me a little sad at first, but hey, somebody has to take her donkey-dragons out trick or treating.)

This half-hour Halloween special is a mini anthology, with each character telling a ‘spooky’ tale in the hopes of snatching the title of King of Halloween from Shrek. As with the movies in this series, there’s plenty for the adults, including spoofs of horror staples like Psycho and The Exorcist.

Scared Shrekless is fun, appropriate for kids with plenty for adults to enjoy, and it brings back characters we all know and love. This’ll be in my annual Halloween specials rotation. As is just and right. All hail the King of Halloween!

(NOTE: as you can see from the image above, the DVD has several other goodies included. Enjoy!)

Score: image image image image out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: Cherry Falls

Posted on October 17, 2012 by Denise

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Story: kids are getting slaughtered in Cherry Falls. More specifically, virgins are getting slaughtered. When trying to stop the killer gets the adults nowhere, the teens decide to take matters into their own hands. Or, as the principal so eloquently puts it, “We’re gonna have a damn fuckfest on our hands!”

Scares: the opening scene is pretty suspenseful. So’s the next murder. And the next. All in all some pretty good scary, especially for a movie that’s all about the satire.

Splat Factor: the opening scene is pretty bloody too (ditto the second & third murders, etc. etc.) Even though slaughter happens off-camera, we all get to see the aftermath when the bodies are found.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Completely original, even if it’s not the first spoof/satire of this genre. In fact, Cherry Falls is a fantastic spin on the slasher genre.

Trick or Treat?: Cherry Falls, cherry turnover. Both are delicious. This is a spoof that doesn’t feel heavy-handed, a satire that doesn’t hit you over the head with Meaning. And it’s a whole lot of fun.

Along with sly nods to spoofiness (quick shots of the school: George Washington High School, Erected. ERECTED.) there’s cool symbolism (a girl gets killed as her parents spill red wine at a dinner party.) And there are plenty of stars, like Brittany Murphy (RIP you legend), Michael Biehn, and Jay Mohr having fun and giving good act.

But when the cherry-popping party happens, what might have been a cheesy homage to Porky’s or American Pie becomes…kinda real. There’s humor, but there’s also touching naivete, timidity and fear of the unknown that has nothing to do with the killer on the loose. Intercut with the party are scenes of the climax with the killer, until the two combine in the finale. Bonus: the credits run up the screen, instead of down. Nicely done.

Watch it with a bunch of rowdy friends, ala the horror marathon in Scream. Serve cherry pie. Enjoy.

Score:image image image image out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: Tales from the Darkside The Movie

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Denise


Story: dinner party time. A woman has invited her friends & is prepping the feast. Oh, the woman is a witch, and the main course is a kid. Before you can say “Holy Hansel!”, the kid decides to try to lengthen his life by reading to the witch from a book of her favorite stories….

Scares: several creepy goodies, but from the ol’ EC mold rather than today’s “based-on-real-stuff” torture fests.

Splat Factor: Though there’s the old school horror, there’s still a bit of gore here for aficionados. Brains, slaughter,

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: it’s based on the tv series of the same name. But this is the only movie version.

Trick or Treat?: like those caramel creams, you probably enjoyed ’em more when you were younger, but there’s still a bit of fun left in a small handful. And who doesn’t love a good “you got yours” story…or four?

Three stories by famous authors, and a chance to see some great actors early in their careers,along with a few genre favorites. Not bad. Julianne Moore, Steve Buscemi, Debbie Harry, Buster Poindexter David Johansen, Christopher Slater, to name a few.

There are a few things that stick in my craw though. Nowadays it’s kind of implausible that the witch would stop to listen, after all the decades of more realistic horror. And though Julianne Moore is the youngest of her “college coeds”, she’s made up so thoroughly she looks like she’s over 30. But all in all if you’re into anthologies, this should be on your must-see list.

* Lot 249: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s story, adapted by novelist/screenwriter Michael McDowell (Blackwater, Beetlejuice) – a mummy is brought to life by the campus nerd (Buscemi). The coeds that screwed him out of a scholarship better sleep with one eye on the door.

* Cat From Hell: George Romero adapts Stephen King’s story about, well…you know. David Johansen is perfect in this one.

* Lover’s Vow: written by Michael McDowell based on yuki-onna mythology, a man must promise to never, ever EVER tell about the night he saw a gruesome gargoyle-like creature kill someone. Like in Pretty Little Liars, I’m guessing two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.  A heartbreaking horror story, with Rae Dawn Chong & James Remar (Dexter) as a couple that get in the way of that secret.

* Wrap-around: a deliciously fun spin on the Hansel & Gretyl myth. With Debbie Harry!

Score:  out of 5 pumpkins.

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The 100% Unofficial Piranha 3DD Drinking Game

Posted on October 15, 2012 by Denise

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Since it’s not only Halloween Month but also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, here’s a drinking game that combines the two. Bottoms Up, y’all.

Drink when:

* there’s a fish POV (PIRANHA-CAM!)
* a z-list “star” bites it
* you see a close up of boobies
* somebody does something that no sane, sober person would do. (ex: jumping into a pool of piranhas)
* you see something that was obviously put in just for 3D
* a fish does something no real fish could ever accomplish
* somebody survives something that nobody could survive in real life (hint: fish inna belly)
* a piranha bites somebody on the butt (or other No-No Place)
* Ving Rhames is awesome
* the Hoff goes Baywatch (chug if you catch him sucking in his gut)
* shit goes Boom

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31 in 31: Scary Godmother Halloween Spooktacular

Posted on October 15, 2012 by Denise

Oct15_ScaryGodmotherStory: A group of kids decide to freak out the youngest among them with a story about having to feed the monsters in a haunted house some candy. No, those assholes don’t get slaughtered. Instead the little one gets a visit from her Scary Godmother. Whee! Sorta.

Scares: Zero. Kids special. With special to be taken loosely. Very loosely.

Splat Factor: Cartoon Network. And not the night programming. Nuff said.

Closing Scene ” Shocker”?: Again, Cartoon Network.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: there are other Scary Godmother things, but I really don’t care.

Trick or Treat?: I love holiday specials for kids. Usually. But this is the Chocolate Necco Wafer of  Halloween kiddie fare.  Apparently there’s a reason I haven’t seen this before, even though it came out in ’03. And it’s the HORRIBLE animation. I mean really; in what world is this okay? Even my 5-year-old nieces couldn’t stomach it for more than 5 minutes. It seems that the author of the kids books this special is based on is so incredibly insecure that she wanted an films to be CGI. “I’m doing 2D. Nobody else should be doing 2D, just me.” IDIOT.

But that crappy computer dinking would be okay if the story was interesting, cute or even original. No, nyet and nada. Not even the absolutely fabulous — and obviously gay — skeleton (the official Skeleton In The Closet) can make up for the art & CGI that looks like something out of a bad Art Institute of America ad.  In fact, Scary Godmother looks like something that someone’s boss demanded, so everyone put in their very best halfass attempts.

During my viewing the CN adds insult to injury by showing a trailer of Hotel Transylvania. Don’t show the good stuff if all you have is scraps.

Yes, this Halloween special came out almost ten years ago. But that’s no excuse for shoddy animation. There are so many better specials to check out: Mad Mad Monster Party, The Nightmare Before Christmas, A Charlie Brown Halloween…the list goes on & on.

Don’t waste your time with this one.

Score:   out of 5 pumpkins (half a pumpkin for the idea of the Skeleton In The Closet.)

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31 in 31: The Amityville Horror (1979)

Posted on October 14, 2012 by Denise


Story: A big house for an absolute steal. Nice. But don’t those upper windows look like evil eyes staring down at you? And hey, there’s nothing to those murders that occurred in the house years ago, right? Riiiiight. GET OUT.

Scares: a ton. Even if you know the story by heart, the tag line “for God’s sake Get Out!” will still send a shiver down your spine. It should; this film may be over 30 years old, but it’s still chilling. And let’s not forget the final getting out scenes.

Splat Factor: Bloody “ooze” dripping from the walls. Remember?

Closing Scene “Shocker”?: Not a chance. The film has already done it’s job of bringing the fear, no need to tack on a silly final boogedy.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: THE original. Nine sequels, a Michael Bay Go Boom 2005 remake and a spoof (Bloodbath at the House of Death) have been done, but this is the real deal.

Trick or Treat?: Mmm, like a Fun-Size Milky Way, you can’t beat the classics. This film still has it: flies, a freaked out priest, blood dripping from the walls, and a James Brolin so smokin’ hot it’ll make you even more jealous of Babs than you already are.  And you know you’re jealous, admit it.

Even though this is the movie that put haunted houses on the map (sorry House on Haunted Hill), the original Amityville still delivers high quality horror.  And though I love me some Ryan Reynolds, the re-do just doesn’t come close. Pair the original Amityville Horror with a few other old school horror favorites like The Exorcist, Carrie and/or The Sentinel for a scary good time.

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: V/H/S

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Denise


Story: A few guys who are up to no good started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood decide to try for some easy money. All they have to do is steal an old VHS tape from some guy’s house. Easy, right? But as they watch the tapes to see which one to take… well, let’s just say it’s not that easy.

Scares: Quiet a few. In fact, V/H/S is probably the most effective horror anthology I’ve seen in a long time. And did I mention I love anthologies? ‘Cause I do.

Splat Factor: So-so. The effects are chilling, but as with most found-footage flicks, most of the action (and gore) is either off-screen, shot in dizzying camera style, or blurry.

Closing Scene “Shocker”?: Yes and no. Since this anthology is kinda like a found-footage EC comic, there are plenty of surprises. But these are the good kind.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: A found-footage anthology? It’s not only original, it’s one of a kind.

Trick or Treat?: Mmm, like a goodie bag of candy, there may be one or two that aren’t to your liking, but damn if the whole package isn’t awesome.  That’s because in addition to having the whole anthology — or as I like to think of it “if you don’t like this one don’t worry, there’s a new one coming shortly” — thing going for it, each story is directed by someone different.  Or, in the case of the final story, sombodies different.  (Note to self: make sure to check out anything Radio Silence ever does again, ever.)  The stories?  Okay, here’s a little taste:

* Tape 56 (the wrap-around story): see above.
* Amateur Night: y’know fellas.  We tell you this over and over.  DO NOT pick up strange girls then try to take advantage of them.  Oops, too late.
* Second Honeymoon: I figured this “married couple checks out their fortune” piece would be like the old Twilight Zone ep.  Nope.
* Tuesday the 17th: Hey, let’s go camping!  Did I mention this place is where some gruesome murders took place…starring the friends I knew before I met you guys?
* The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger: Um.  Using Skype to have your boyfriend help you check out the creepy sounds in your apartment isn’t gonna help you, girlie.  Not one bit.
* 10/31/98: A group of guys head out to a Halloween party.  Bonus points for this story using a “Nanny Cam” costume as it’s source of the whole taping thing. Oh, and for being the absolute best of this pretty damn good bunch.

V/H/S is amazing just for it’s ability to breathe life into the found-footage genre. With this film and Sinister, it looks like this sub-genre isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Though Tuesday the 17th feels like a boring, silly ripoff of The Blair Witch Project, on the whole V/H/S is definitely worth your trying to scare it up (see what I did there? Oh fine.)

 

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

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From Geek for e — Sinister

Posted on October 12, 2012 by Denise

As always, clicky on the hypertext title for the full review!

Movie Review: Sinister

When I first saw this film, I hated it.  Couldn’t stand it.  Pissed me off, even.  Then I realized; I’d been scared through the whole thing.  It’s a feeling I hadn’t experienced in the movies in quite some time.  It was such a strange feeling I couldn’t recognize it.  Okay, there’s a little bit of pissed off still left in me, but that’s for a good reason; Sinister is non-stop horror that whips together the best of ghost stories, urban legends, mythology and lowdown slasher tropes.  It also gives no quarter to the characters in the story, and as such gives relief to the audience.  Forget jokes that break up the tension, because Sinister is here to do one thing and one thing only: scare the [Radio Edit] out of you.

Ellison Oswalt (Ethan Hawke, doing a masterful job) is a true-crime novelist that believes his calling is A Great Important Thing that can have nothing else get in the way.  So obviously, he’s broke.  Hey looky; a house where some wicked horrible murders occurred is on the market.  For cheap!  A place to live and research a new book; what could go wrong?  Um, have you seen the poster for this movie, dude?

File this film under the “it’s still here/pissed/deadly” genre of ghost stories, but if you’re already figuring the plot out in your mind, don’t bother.  Does Sinister flip all the usual switches?  Yes.  There’s strange happenings, a horrible history, an extended past that Ellison uncovers, and kids acting weird.  Ellison doesn’t go to the po-po when stuff starts happening, and BTW his family isn’t in on the real story of the house.  You know it, you love it.  20 minutes in and I’m placing my bets as to what’s gonna go down.  But then Sinister does something that so many of the current crop of ghostly movies forgot to do; it takes what you’re expecting it actually scares the crap out of you.

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