“WHAT THE FUCK???”
Okay, this movie is such unmitigated garbage that I don’t want to spend any more time writing it up to fit the template.
Let’s just do this:
This pathetic anthology “film” has bad acting, horrible direction, and the worst editing I’ve ever seen (and I watched Pot Zombies.) Sloppy, amateurish, and with no sense of rhyme or reason beyond gettin’ those Benjamins, this film is a pure waste of time. Pity, as V/H/S and V/H/S/2 don’t suck.
Score: Zero pumpkins…no. This gets my first ever Negative Pumpkin. It’s that much of a disappointing, obnoxious mess my score for it dips into negative digits.
P.S.: I usually take notes when I watch a film I’m gonna review. Wanna read my stream of thought while I was watching this turd? G’head…
Nutshell: Cool premise, slick art, beautiful colors, and characters you wanna root for. I’m not fully understanding the mythos yet, but I’m digging the story. Oh, Hell just jumped into my webcomics queue.
Story: Poor confused Zoel. Doesn’t know where she fits in, not sure why she screws up, the definitive high school bad girl. But when her parents find out about The Academy — a school Zoel hasn’t been bounced out of yet — they jump at it. But this school ain’t Hogwarts; it’s Hell. And to quote the tagline; “Not only is The Academy actually in Hell…it’s pass/fail.”
“Power? What power do we have? WE’RE 15!”
“If you ever want to find me…just follow the trail of innocents I leave behind.”
Thoughts: Ah, Baltimore Comic-Con. Cons are the time to find stuff you didn’t know existed. And I’m glad I found Oh, Hell. Written by G. Wassil (mythology by Wassil and Connell), I love Dave Hamann’s gorgeous art, and the colors by Birkhofer and Campbell almost lift off the page. The detail is fantastic, and I’m glad Vol. 1 slipped in a sketch gallery at the end of the book, so I could really take a look at how these images were created. And y’all know I’m a sucker for well done letters, and Troy Peteri does a bang-up job. Read More…
“Hey, see that? Is that a shooting star?”
Story: Comet? That thing? That’s nothing. BOOM. Cue explosive ice explosions! Because sure.
Scares: Absolutely zero. TV disaster movie mixed with more than a touch of sapfest.
Splat factor: See above. Unless you count below SyFy level CGI (frozen folks shatter into red ice cubes! Obvious cartoony blood that erupts sorta near redshirts!) – oh wait. This IS a SyFy joint. This ain’t no Sharknado.
Closing scene “shocker”?: only that I wasted almost an hour and a half of my life on this. NOOOOO! Read More…
Friday the 13th. My Bloody Valentine. April Fool’s Day. Halloween. Thankskilling. Black Christmas. New Year’s Evil. Heck even the 4th of July has Uncle Sam. Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the holiday calendar, Easter Sunday is coming to make sure you don’t hippity hop anytime soon.
Okay, this looks like low budget cheesy goodness. You’ve gotta love a film whose tagline – “This year everyone will be
executed EGGSECUTED!” – is such a hoot. And it has Robert Z’Dar as Sheriff Arkin, the guy who’s gunnin’ for bunny. If he seems familiar, you’re right; he was undead officer Matt Cordell in the Manic Cop series. Z’Dar passed away this year, and Easter Sunday will be dedicated to him.
Read on for the full press release, and check out the trailer below!
Alrighty 90s children. Let’s get this retro party started, shall we? Because today brings passes for the Baltimore area screening of Goosebumps! Yeah, didn’t we all read those suckers back in the day? Yes, I’m an 80s child, thanks for noticing. But I still dug the ‘bumps. Because scary. Synopsis!
Scholastic has over 400 million Goosebumps books worldwide in 32 languages in print since the series introduction in 1992, earning critical acclaim and dominating global best seller lists. R.L. Stine has been recognized as one of the bestselling children’s authors in history. Now, the literary phenomenon is coming to the big screen.
In Goosebumps, teenager Zach Cooper (Dylan Minnette), upset about moving from a big city to a small town, finds a silver lining when he meets the beautiful girl, Hannah (Odeya Rush), living right next door, and makes a quick friend in Champ (Ryan Lee). But every silver lining has a cloud, and Zach’s comes when he learns that Hannah’s mysterious dad is in fact R.L. Stine (Jack Black), the author of the bestselling Goosebumps series. As Zach starts learning about the strange family next door, he soon discovers that Stine holds a dangerous secret: the creatures that his stories made famous are real, and Stine protects his readers by keeping them locked up in their books. When Stine’s creations are unintentionally released from their manuscripts, Zach’s life takes a turn for the weird. In a crazy night of adventure, it’s up to Zach, Hannah, Champ, and Stine to team up and get all of these figments of Stine’s imagination – including Slappy the Dummy, the girl with the haunted mask, the gnomes and many more – back in the books where they belong to save the town.
Ready to see your favorite R.L. Stine spookies on the big screen? Right this way… Read More…
“Sometimes I just wish it was over.”
Story: kids go to prom at a “creepy” castle/building/prom
/set. The clock strikes midnight…and you’ll need to drop acid to figure out this convoluted mess after that.
Scares: None. They try…but they fail.
Splat factor: This film is too low budget for serious splatter. Everything looks straight out of Party City.
Closing scene “shocker”?: I think there’s supposed to be some clever twist, but I’d lost interest.
Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Original, though this story feels cobbled together from Prom Night, Night of the Demons, and several other “then there were none” spookfests. Oh yeah, throw in the POV zoom from Evil Dead while you’re at it. They’ve stolen everything, and instead of giving it their own spin, it feels…like you’d rather be watching those other films.
Trick or Treat?: This is the perfect movie for people who are scared of horror films. It’s too boring to scare anyone. Read More…
“Don’t look! You mustn’t look.”
Story: WWII London. Bomb strikes = taking refugee children to the country. What could possibly get them up there? Cue ghost woman!
Scares: A few, of course jump-out or pop-up variety. Boo!
Splat factor: hardly any, unless you count the WWII hospital scenes.
Closing scene “shocker”?: Yes. AKA “it never ends”. Yeah yeah. We know. Yawn. Oh yeah; for those of you that didn’t figure out that gobsmacker? SPOILER ALERT. Read More…