“Abigail” – bloody good fun


“I don’t scare easy, so when I do? I take notice.”

Story: A group of bad guys and gals come together at the behest of a powerful crime boss; their mission? Kidnap the young daughter of an extremely wealthy man, and hold her for 24 hours, ’til dad pays 50 mil. They don’t know each other, they don’t know who the girl’s father is, and they sure as hell don’t know that this is gonna be one bloody horrible night. Emphasis on blood.

Genre I’d put it in: Actioners With Bite (get it? Because Abigail’s a...fine.)
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: A “reimagining” of 1939’s Dracula’s Daughter, which itself is very loosely based on Bram Stoker’s Dracula (well, a deleted chapter) and Carmilla, by Sheridan Le Fanu. With me so far? Cool.

Gotta say: I love vampire stories. Just think; as long as you follow the rules, you can kick back and live as long as you like. I mean, there’s the whole blood thing, which is gross. But I guess you’d get used to it. And boy howdy, has our titular character gotten used to it. This girl is a one-woman wrecking crew, who’s not only had centuries to hone her craft, but time enough to really, really dig what she’s gotta do to survive. Abigail takes actioners, vampire movies, heist films, and haunted house thrillers, puts ’em in a blender, and hits pulse. Because it’s the kind of movie you’ll find your pulse racing to…and okay FINE. I can’t help myself; I’m writing this review on opening afternoon, and for some reason I have serious Dad Joke Syndrome. I’ll probably stop, but? You’ve been warned.

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Movie Review – “The Ministry of Ungentemanly Warfare”


“Remember gentlemen; try to have fun.”

Story: It’s WWII, and England is getting blitzed in the worst possible way. So, to get a leg up on Germany, Winston Churchill decides to not play fair. By having an unorthodox team led by Major Gus March-Phillipps originate the Special Operations Executive, or SOE. Which, considering the no-f’s-given attitude of the group, should probably be called the SOB… Let’s get cracking!

Genre I’d put it in: Saucy Based-On Historical Actioners
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: A fictional take on WWII’s Operation Postmaster. Based on the book Churchill’s Secret Warriors: The Explosive True Story of the Special Forces Desperadoes of WWII by Damien Lewis.

Gotta say: I remember Henry Cavill being stoked about this project last year. He’d post fun on-set pics to his IG, and I got interested. I love me some devil-may-care WWII shenanigan films, so when the trailer hit? I took notice. Yes, this is a based-on film, but the mix of history and modern cinematic spectacle is just as much riotous fun as I’d hoped it’d be. Warfare harks back to classic WWII stories like The Dirty Dozen and The Devil’s Brigade. But with a modern, 21st century spin that keeps things lively, even when stuff isn’t blowing up. I dig it, Ritchie.

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Baltimore Screening Pass-palooza – “The Ministry of Ungentemanly Warfare”!

Ready to get ungentemanly? Synopsis!

Based upon recently declassified files of the British War Department and inspired by true events, THE MINISTRY OF UNGENTLEMANLY WARFARE is an action-comedy that tells the story of the first-ever special forces organization formed during WWII by UK Prime Minister Winston Churchill and a small group of military officials including author Ian Fleming. The top-secret combat unit, composed of a motley crew of rogues and mavericks, goes on a daring mission against the Nazis using entirely unconventional and utterly “ungentlemanly” fighting techniques. Ultimately their audacious approach changed the course of the war and laid the foundation for the British SAS and modern Black Ops warfare.

Ready? Let’s go!

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TrailerWatch – “Bridgerton Season 3”

Though saying Pen is a wallflower? C’mon, she’s GORGEOUS.

“I cannot live at home anymore. I must take a husband.”

GAAAAAAH!!! The Ton is back, and with it, another story of the Bridgerton clan. This time, it’s “little” Colin Bridgerton, freshly back from his travels and looking all grown up. Can his childhood friend Penelope Featherington – still smarting after her friendship with Eloise Bridgerton has seemingly collapsed – catch his eye? Does she even want to?

Bridgerton Season 3 requests the honor of your presence on May 16th, 2024.

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DC Screening Pass-palooza – “Abigail”!

You asked for it – they gave it to me! DC Screening Passes for “Abigail”, y’all!

Ready to go babysitting? No? Well, maybe this movie will be a better idea… Synopsis!

After a group of would-be criminals kidnap the 12-year-old ballerina daughter of a powerful underworld figure, all they have to do to collect a $50 million ransom is watch the girl overnight. In an isolated mansion, the captors start to dwindle, one by one, and they discover, to their mounting horror, that they’re locked inside with no normal little girl. 

Children can be such monsters.

Ready? Let’s go!

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Baltimore Screening Pass-palooza – “Abigail”!

Ready to go babysitting? No? Well, maybe this movie will be a better idea… Synopsis!

After a group of would-be criminals kidnap the 12-year-old ballerina daughter of a powerful underworld figure, all they have to do to collect a $50 million ransom is watch the girl overnight. In an isolated mansion, the captors start to dwindle, one by one, and they discover, to their mounting horror, that they’re locked inside with no normal little girl. 

Children can be such monsters.

Ready? Let’s go!

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Movie Review – “Civil War” is a terrifying gut punch of possibility

“Wait! Wait. I need a quote.”

Story: The Florida Alliance, Western Forces, and Republics of Texas and California are a coalition of 19 states that have seceded from the USA. A dictatorial third term president disbands the FBI, and would rather see everything burn than reach out. And four war journalists are looking for a powerful message they can share with the rest of the world, before it’s too late. Welcome to the second American Civil War.

Genre I’d put it in: Nightmare Scenario Films That Feel Way Too Close To A Possible Reality
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based way too closely to real divisions in our country. Damn y’all. Way too closely.

Gotta say: Journalists. Everybody wants a Pulitzer. To write THAT piece. Take THAT photo. But at what cost? Director Alex Garland uses the uncertainty of our times to craft a powerful think piece on war, divisiveness, and the drive to accomplish something in the world. This movie’s sheer brutality will not be for everyone, but for those who can stomach the intensity? It’ll hit you like a gut punch to your very soul.  War has a same visceral feel as Alfonso Cuarón’s Children of Men; there’s an immediacy to the proceedings that pulled me in and did not let go. Not even after the end credits rolled. I’m not sure if it’s let me go even now.

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TrailerWatch – “MaXXXine”

“What are you hiding, Maxine?”

It’s 1985, and we’re catching up with our X final girl Maxine. She’s been successful in adult entertainment, but still wants to be an A-list actress. But her past may be catching up with her, and in LA? The Night Stalker awaits… Damn y’all, I’m hooked.

And this cast looks like they’re having a blast. So I wanna have a blast too. This movie cannot hit theaters soon enough.

MaXXXine hits theaters…soon. Soon? DAMMIT. I WANT IT NOW. [Eds: it actually drops July 5th, 2024. But yeah. Gimme.]

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Movie Review – “Chicken for Linda!” (Linda veut du poulet!)

BAWK

Story: Linda and her mother Paulette live in a flat in a small French town. Things are good, until a misunderstanding – and a mischievous kitty – cause the two to be at odds. When mom realizes her error, she’ll do anything to make it up to her daughter. Including cooking something Linda is aching for; chicken with peppers, a dish her dearly departed dad cooked for her before he passed years ago. What could go wrong? Paulette doesn’t really know how to cook, their kitchen doesn’t have any chicken at hand, and a general strike in France has just shut everything down…no problems here!

Genre I’d put it in: Whimsical Slice of Life Animation
Release Date: 2023 (France) 2024 (USA)
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Delightfully original!

Gotta say: I was never a fan of Amélie. Too twee, too specifically cutesy, and much too cheerful for my cold, dead heart. What can I say, I’m more a Gaspar Noé kinda gal. However. Linda is a lighthearted film that digs into deeper issues, wrapped in a comedy of errors, and it’s lively, thoughtful story captured my heart.

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Movie Review – “Carol Doda Topless At The Condor”

“She was so much more than a stripper, a go-go dancer…there was just something different about her.”

Story: In the early 1960s, times were a’changin’. In the Broadway area of North Beach, San Francisco, competition was fierce for patrons. So when the owners of The Condor Club decided to have their most popular dancer dance topless? Everyone took notice.

Genre I’d put it in: Groovy Documentaries
Release Date: 2024
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the book “Three Nights at The Condor” by Benita Mattioli. And, of course, the life of Carol Doda.

Gotta say: Mid-20th century aesthetics seems to have gotten quite the revival. For at least a decade, folks have clamored for all sorts of stuff from the 50s through 80s, from clothes to furniture, music to strange recipes. (Li’l tip from me though; stay away from anything in a lime jello mold…) Burlesque has also gotten quite the come-up in our new century, with performers bringing back the grace and style of the art form. Y’know, back when it was about grace, talent, and fun. Instead of just a reason to enforce a two-drink minimum. Carol takes a look at what feels like the mid-century genesis of the art form, along with how her freethinking attitude echoed several other progressive changes in San Francisco and beyond.

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