31 in 31: House of Bones

Posted on October 25, 2011 by Denise

Story: Jaded ghost hunter guys hire themselves a psychic to check out a house everyone says is haunted.  Wanna guess what happens next?

Scares: One big one, after you realize how much time you spent on this piece of dreck.

Splat factor: Lovely blood and goo-filled walls, a bit of bloodshed here and there but otherwise nothing they couldn’t show on basic cable.

Closing scene “shocker”?: Nothing that you won’t see coming from miles away.  If you’ve bothered to watch ’til the end.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?:  Though it’s a ripoff of practically every haunted house movie that has ever been made, it’s an original.  Ish.

Trick or Treat?: Wormy apple.  Apparently Parker Lewis can lose; he got himself drawn into this haunted house clunker.  At least he had the good sense to keep to a part that gave him limited screen time (while still scoring top billing; now that’s a great agent!)  Charisma Carpenter plays a psychic that isn’t given much to do but sit around and look queasy.  Then again it might have just been how she felt being on the set of a dud after so many years of Buffy and Angel.  But it’s good to see them, however underused they are in this film.  As for the story, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.  Take a little bit of Burnt Offerings, a touch of The Haunting and Hell House, mix with The Shining and serve tepid.  The FX are pretty neat, but nothing can take away from the tired cliches that drag this movie into the dirt.  SyFy makes a ton of Z-grade horror, and quite a few of ’em are campy fun.  Not this one.

Score:    out of 5 pumpkins, and that’s only for Nemec and Carpenter.  The movie itself deserves zilch.

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31 in 31: Halloween Resurrection

Posted on October 24, 2011 by Denise

Story: Michael Meyers killed his sister, stalked a babysitter named Laurie that is actually his other sister…etc.  After tracking down Laurie twenty years later, he’s still after her.  Oh, and meanwhile back at the Meyer’s house, there’s a reality TV show gearing up for Halloween.  But since Halloween is the night HE came home, that’s probably not the best idea.

Scares: Plenty.  Even after seeing Michael over and over again, he still gives good creepy.

Splat factor: Michael Meyers.  Hapless college co-eds.  Carving knife.  Enough said.

Closing scene “shocker”?: Not if you’ve watched any slasher movie ever in the history of ever.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: This is the bazillionth sequel to the original, and still amazing, Halloween.  Okay, it’s the eighth Halloween movie.  But it feels like the bazillionth.

Trick or Treat?:  Halloween Resurrection is like a candy apple; it was the best thing in the whole world when you first had one, but now the cracks are showing and it’s not the fun treat you remember.  Still, you pick one up anyway for the nostalgia.  This installment of the Michael Kills Everyone In Sight franchise has our favorite Shatner lookalike splattering reality stars all over his home.  Maybe I like this movie because I kinda want to do the same thing whenever I see Jersey Shore or The Bachelor.  Like Diary of the Dead, it’s the new twenty-somethings of the 21st Century, longing for stardom withouth having to actually do anything like think or study.  And the one smart gal who knows better than to get involved with this stupid shit, but isn’t above a little peer pressure.  (After all the blood-encrusted crap that has gone down in the past, why would ANYONE live in Haddonfield, let alone go to Hallonfield University?  It’s just like ringing a dinner bell.)

A pre-BSG Katee Sackhoff is the poster girl for why I will never wear red lipstick, but she does a great job hamming it up as a victim-to-be.  Busta Rhymes & Tyra Banks are hilarious as reality tv — “Dangertainment!” — producers eager for bucks.  Think of this sequel as “Halloween Gone Wild”!  On the plus side, there’s nice cell phone interaction here, probably the best use of modern technology in a horror movie to date.  It sure beats the usual no reception/my cellphone’s dead cop-out that’s usually the rule of the day. That alone bumps it up half a pumpkin.

Always remember this kiddies; Michael Meyers will always win as long as people aren’t paying attention. And if there’s a producer eager for some quick cash.

Score:  out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: Dracula 2000

Posted on October 23, 2011 by Denise

Story: Hey, what if everyone on the planet was incredibly hot?  Oh yeah, and there’s a vampire that’s missing his long-lost love.  You know the drill.

Scares:  Meh.  Maybe if this was an original story, but since everybody knows how this is gonna go, it’s more ghoulish fun than serious fright.

Splat factor:  Lots of blood, as is just and right for a modern-day vampire flick.  Plus, there’s enough nancy-boy hair gel to make even Angel say wow.  That’s splatty, right?

Closing scene “shocker”?:  It’s a vampire movie, so no real last-minute switcharoo shocker.  Still, the end leaves things open just enough for a sequel.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: Please.  Dracula has been remade so often that even the most horrorphobic of movie lovers have probably seen a few.  I’ve no idea how many times it’s been remade, mostly because I’m too lazy to head over to IMDb and count.  Get it, count?  Seriously, I’m amused by just about anything.

Trick or Treat?:  Oh yes, of the Godiva Halloween-themed candy kind.  You may not like every piece of it, but there’s no denying it’s damn pretty.  It’s Captain Hammer!  It’s Seven of Nine!  It’s the hot bald dude from House!  It’s King Leonidas, with fangs!  This movie doesn’t pretend to greatness, but it’s awesome in it’s campy goodness.  Yeah, it’s “Wes Craven Presents”, but he’s strictly an executive producer on this one, which means he allowed ’em to put his name on it, and he got the check.  This gets my repeat viewing seal of approval because I love watching Gerard Butler do…well, anything really.  Don’t expect Scream or A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Instead, pour a huge glass of red, settle into the comfiest part of the couch, and get yourself ready for some high-grade, big budget camp.  Bonus: this film also educates!

Things I’ve Learned From Dracula 2000:

  • “Never, ever, fuck with an antiques dealer!”
  • Even Dracula needs product.  Lots of it.
  • CD stores used to be cool.  Now they’re not.
  • When you find yourself, you receive a pair of leather pants and leather trench.  That’s gotta suck if you live in Miami.
  • I’m fresh out of red wine.  Dammit.

Score:  :out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: Scary Movie 2

Posted on October 22, 2011 by Denise

Story: Remember the movie Hell House?  The House on Haunted Hill?  Poltergeist?  Well, this movie spoofs ’em big time.

Scares: Maybe, if you’re as stoned as Ray is in this  movie.  Everything is played for laughs.

Splat factor: Nothing.  It’s a spoof of haunted house movies, so the blood level is nonexistent (and unecessary).

Closing scene “shocker”?: Well, it’s a spoof of current movies, so of course!  Don’t worry, it’s funny.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: It’s the second of the Scary Movie series.  Hence the 2.

Trick or Treat?: A treat for a moment, like those horrible tasting but cool looking wax vampire lips.  Keenen Ivory Wayans does a great job with finding the spoof-worthy pieces of favorite horror movies, but a few of these gags play too long.  Of course, this may be me just not finding a puke battle hilarious.  My bad.  But “death by blunt” is hilarious, and the cast is more than game for the fun, especially Tim Curry as a horndog professor, and Night Court‘s Richard Moll as the ghost.  A pre-Hot Chick Anna Farris is here, and getting to see her come into her own as a film actress is a bit of film nostalgia.  Yeah, I can be nostalgic about 2001.  Mostly because I’m a bit hungover and everything seems a bit warm and fuzzy right now.

Score:   out of 5 pumpkins.

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From Geek for e: Movie Review — Paranormal Activity 3

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Denise

Once upon a time, there were two little girls.  They lived in a big house with Mommy, Step-daddy and their own pet demon.  Except the demon wasn’t really a pet.  And things didn’t end up Happily Ever After.  The tagline for Paranormal Activity 3 is “Discover how the activity began”.  And damn if they don’t show you.  Vividly.  Fasten your seat belts kiddies, it’s gonna be a bumpy night.

Read the rest at Geek for e!

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31 in 31: Paranormal Activity 2

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Denise

Story: Remember Katie and Micah?  Well, Katie has a sister named Kristi.  Kristi’s family is experiencing the same kind of ghostly demon haunting that Katie and Micah were experiencing in the original.  Not a good sign for Kristi, her hubby, nanny Martine and the kids.

Scares: Randy from Scream is right; the action is amped up in a sequel.  But this time, make sure you stay focused on the movie because the scares build slowly.  Verrrry slowly.  There are also a lot of similar paranormal actions that fans of the original will notice, which only serves to heighten the fear factor.  The knowledge of what has gone before amps up the chills.

Splat factor:  Virtually blood free.

Closing scene “shocker”?: There’s a climax here, sure, but no “twist”.  As with the original, the basic storyline is more than good enough.

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: This is a sequel to 2007’s Paranormal Activity.  Sort of.

Trick or Treat?: You know how peanut M&M’s are awesome?  And then someone gives you a peanut butter M&M and it blows your mind?  Same kinda thing here.  This sequel is a little more of the same thing, but with a slightly different spin that makes it interesting, fun and still downright scary.  The movie starts out with a total mind fuck for those who watched the first film, because 2 starts before, and ends after, the events of the original story. Are you with me so far?  With this “wraparound” plot, you never know what will happen.  All I know is that I’m never, ever gonna let my basement get as jam-packed as theirs.  It’s an episode of Hoarders down there!  How can you see the boogeyman — or run away — if you’re up to your eyeballs in boxes?  Think, people.  And thank you, Tod Williams, for directing a sequel just as good as (and maybe a bit better than) the original.  Who’s up for Paranormal Activity 3?

Score: out of 5 pumpkins.

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The 100% Unofficial Paranormal Activity 3 Drinking Game

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Denise

Instead of writing an actual review of the film (I’ll do that tomorrow morning…um, make that later this morning), the thing that popped into my head while driving home from the Paranormal Activity 3 screening was “hey, drinking game!”  This is probably because I’m so wired on Coke Zero that my usual Distracted By Shiny is even more twitterpated.

Going in, you know that there will be light spoilerage.  Gotta tell you when to drink, and to do that I’ve gotta dish a little.  Ready?  Let’s go!

Continue reading →

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From Geek For E: Reason #338 for wishing you were at Screamfest LA: Singularity

Posted on October 20, 2011 by Denise

Let’s face it; short films are awesome, but we rarely get to see them outside of bits during the Oscars (and if you’re lucky, at the AFI during their pre-Oscar shorts fest).  But sometimes, and I say sometimes, we’ll get a peek at a short film that sounds so awesome I’ve gotta share.  This Saturday at this year’s Screamfest LA — the horror movie fest any self-respecting genre geek slavers over — they’ll be showing the short Singularity.  You wanna know more about it?  Of course you do.

 

From the Singularity press kit:

The story revolves around the discovery of an organism, frozen in the Arctic Ice, that shatters Man’s every notion of evolution, and replaces it with a terrifying reality – that Man may no longer be the soul source of intelligent life on Earth.  And in our lust for power, we may have just given birth to our own extinction.

Read the rest over at Geekfore.com!

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31 in 31: Paranormal Activity

Posted on October 20, 2011 by Denise

Story: Boyfriend and girlfriend move in together.  The ghost/demon that has been following the girlfriend all her life moves in too.

Scares: Demons-a-poppin!  There’s plenty to be scared of, but in a creepy haunted-house way, not a silly slasher way. Not to hate on Jason and the boys.

Splat factor: Nothing at all on screen.  And you won’t miss it.

Closing scene “shocker”?: Wow yeah.  But not a twist, just a big scare.  Were you expecting a Happily Ever After from a “found footage” horror movie?

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: This is the original, the one that started the franchise.

Trick or Treat?:  Peanut M&M’s!  Mmm, delicious scares, and plenty of ’em.  When the film runs out and all you see are credits, you wish there was one more left for you, but that’s all there is…’til Part 2, anyway.  Paranormal Activity was terrifying in the theaters, but it holds up very well at home too.  As Micah and Katie get increasingly disturbed, you’re pulled along for the ride, helpless.  The fact that this movie takes the time to build a connection with these two characters (and the feeling, like The Blair Witch Project, that what you’re seeing is real) makes it that much more horrifying.  An inexplicable switch in the attitude of one of the characters makes things feel a little off the rails toward the end.  Otherwise, outside of the fact that these folks just won’t leave the house (though there’s a tossed off possibility as to why not), and that they seem to know the worst paranormal professionals ever, it’s a fantastic piece of modern horror.

Score:  out of 5 pumpkins.

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31 in 31: Rockula

Posted on October 19, 2011 by Denise

Story: Vampire meets girl. Vampire loses girl ’cause she dies horribly. Repeat every 22 years. The unlife sucks ’til he can break his Groundhog Day streak of bad romantic luck.

Scares: This is about as scary as Dracula: Dead and Loving It, but with a younger, non-Leslie Nielsen vampiric lead.  It’s also a musical, did I mention that yet?

Splat factor: Not a drop.  Apparently they all drink on the D.L.  Plus, Ralph the vampire — yes, that’s his name, and it must make Bill over in Bon Temps feel a lot better — gets sick at the sight of blood.

Closing scene “shocker”?: None.  Yayz!

Remake, Sequel or OG (Original Ghoul)?: A vampire comedy musical?  You know of any others?  No seriously; if you do holla.  I’m dying to know.

Trick or Treat?: This is just pure, unadulterated camp.  Think fun, gooshy sicky-sweet gummi brains.  Yummy, but you don’t really want certain people to know you like ’em.  But screw that, just invite your cool friends over and give this a watch.  You love the 80s?  So does this movie!  There’s Toni Basil, Bo Diddly, Thomas Dolby, and Dean Cameron (from one of my favorite 80s no-guilt pleasure, Summer School) as the hapless Ralph/Rockula.  Even though the sound mixing is terrible (they didn’t think to ask Dolby for a hand with this?) and the singing is so-so at best from our hero and heroine, a few of the music numbers are actually half decent.  And you haven’t lived ’til you’ve seen Bo Diddly in black and yellow spandex with bumblebee deelyboppers on his head.  Pop it on for your friends and it’s cool retro camp, and if kiddies stumble onto it there’s nothing you’ll have to explain your way out of.  And you know you wanna see a vampire dressed like Flavor Flav rap his everlovin’ fangs off.

Score:  out of 5 pumpkins.

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