“First Man” crashes and burns

Nutshell: Shakeycam, choker-shots and Dutch angles rule the day in this dispassionate biopic. Director Damien Chazelle tries to shove Importance down viewers throats, but only manages greatness during the awe-inspiring moon landing. I came away with a headache, and the thought that Buzz Aldren and Neil Armstrong must have been real dicks. Grade: D-

“Your daddy’s going to the moon.”
“Okay. Can I go play now?”

Story: If you believe…they put a man on the moon (MAAAAN ON THA MOOOOON)…

Genre I’d Put It In: Historical Biopics That Give Me A Headache Continue reading →

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#31in31 2018 – “Zoombies”

“This is strange.”

Story: Small monkeys become infected with a virus that turns them into…wait for it… ZOOMBIES! (badum-tish) I sure hope they don’t get out and infect the entire zoo. What would the small crew of pre-opening staff do if that happened? *cue deaths*

Scares: Zero. Unless you count how incredibly bad this movie is.

Splat factor: Lots of CGI blood, and some cheesy Halloween store gore FX. Continue reading →

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#31in31 2018 – “Stuff Mom Never Told You” discusses being a Final Girl

 

I love the podcast Stuff Mom Never Told You. So when Anney and B came up an episodes on the Final Girl? I had to share in time for Halloween. So enjoy! And who knows, you may just learn something…

How To Be The Final Girl In A Horror Movie
http://podplayer.net/#/?id=49064198

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#31in31 2018: “Hell Fest”

“You’re the one who’s been following me around all night, aren’t you?”

Story: A college gal who’s more study than stupor heads back home to spend Halloween with her BFF. But BFF and her in-town pals have tickets to Hell Fest, a traveling spooky show. A few years ago some girl got slaughtered in one, and it took days to find her body. But I’m sure this one’s peachy keen. Who’s that rando in the mask that’s following us?

Scares: Lots of fun “what’s gonna happen next” chills. Continue reading →

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#31in31 2018 – “Bedeviled” (2016)

“What the fuck?”

Story: Some random chick dies in a cut to black, and her random friends get “invited” to download an app…from their dead friend. Whoooo! But naturally these idiots download the app anyway. Will they all die one by one (save for the Final Girl, naturally)? Of course they will!

Scares: None, mostly because you never get a chance to care about any of the characters. But the movie’s so bad I was too busy bemoaning how it sucked to focus on the tired jump scares.

Splat factor: Zero. Everything happens off camera. Bodies are never shown, only reactions. Continue reading →

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#31in31 2018 – “Starve”

“I’m a fucking brown belt, bitch!”

Story: I’m a writer! I need to experience things in order to write about them! So, girlfriend and bro, let’s go check out a Florida sinkhole in the middle of nowhere, and search for feral children living in them! I’m sure we won’t be ambushed by crazies ready to see what we’ll do for food once we’re really hungry…

Scares: A few chills, mostly of the gotcha variety.

Splat factor: Surprisingly little, considering the story. But there is red here and there. Continue reading →

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#31in31 2018 – “Prom Night” (1980)

“Kill! The killer’s gonna get you!”

Story: Six years ago, a young girl was killed in a horrible accident. The kids that inadvertently caused her fall vow to never tell anyone what happened… Time for Alexander Hamilton High’s senior prom! (#WERK) I’m sure nobody will show up looking for bloody revenge. Cue the disco music!

Scares: Zero. This is just for the throwback giggles.

Splat factor: Zero. Everything happens off camera, and the results only show small bits of red.

Closing scene “shocker”?: 80s slasher movie? You’d think so, but nope. Not that that matters in this clunker. Continue reading →

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#31in31 2018 -“Slasher: Guilty Party” (Slasher Season 2)

Bee Tee Dub: that was 10/17/2017. You can watch the hell out of it now.

“Good luck pretending it didn’t happen.”

Story: After accidentally(?) killing a fellow camp counselor five years ago, a group of former friends go back to the scene of the crime. Now it’s a commune filled with peace loving vegans (probably.) Oh, and maybe that dead counselor ain’t dead. But soon a whole lot of other people will be.

Scares: Tons of chills as they drop one by one, along with “no way to escape or get help” tension.

Splat factor: The killer decorates a snowman with guts and human limbs early on. So…yeah. Gore-palooza. Continue reading →

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“Venom” – fun but flawed

Nutshell: Tom Hardy is fantastic as Eddie Brock/Venom. But while there’s lots of action and plenty of incredible FX, the story is a bunch of clichés strung together. Go for the fun zap-pow, but leave your brain at home. Grade: C

“Fuck it, let’s go save the planet.”

Story: Eddie Brock is a talented journalist.  But his curiosity cost him his job, his relationship and his apartment. So what’s a fella to do?  Dig deeper into the mystery that caused him to lose everything, of course!  Meanwhile, a spaceship crashes in Malaysia. I’m sure the life forms on that ship are super friendly. Phone home?

Genre I’d put it in: Decent Comic Book Films That Don’t Stick The Landing

Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Based on the Marvel comic book character. Second outing for V, if you count Topher Grace’s portrayal in Spider-Man 3. But the less said about that entire movie, the better.

Gotta say: I really wanted to love Topher Grace as Venom. But SM3 was a complete cluster, including Grace’s strange performance.  That’s not his fault though; the entire Venom subplot (nay, the whole film) was a weird mess that was poorly written and strangely paced. So when I heard that the Sony branch of the Marvel family tree was gonna give the Big V a stand-alone film?  I was hopeful, but wary. Tom Hardy is the kind of rough and tumble actor that could breathe life into this villain/anti-hero/hero/symbiote, I thought to myself.

Damn if I wasn’t right. Eddie Brock goes from jittery freakout to acceptance through the film, and Hardy’s performance is excellent throughout. There’s not a misstep anywhere in his characterization, and I really enjoyed watching Eddie go through his personal Seven Stages of Symbiosis.  There’s a nice blend of fear, awe and strength in Eddie, and I was able to relax a bit.

But only a bit. While Hardy delivers, the screenplay doesn’t quite rise to the challenge. The opening scenes of the film are fun space-thing-go-crash, but as things progressed I noticed cliché after cliché. It’s bad when I’m pulled out of a story because the screenplay telegraphs the plot with everything but neon signs. In-between bits of heavy-handed foreshadowing, Eddie and his ex-fiancée Ally (Michelle Williams) interact, Eddie and his former boss interact, Eddie and his nemesis Carlton Drake interact…and it’s all kinda dull.

That’s a pity. As Drake, Riz Ahmed (Rogue One) tries his best to give a credible performance. But he’s bogged down by so much mustache-twirling badness Drake ends up all but rabid by the end of things. Drake uses the homeless as guinea pigs. He considers his employees disposable. He’ll do anything to achieve his ends… Yeah yeah; he’s a bad, bad man. Do subtlety and depth count for nothing anymore? There’s a hint of a possible mitigating issue; supposedly Drake is doing this to save humanity from itself as the earth slowly dies due to climate change. But it’s never used as more than a throwaway line or two. Seeing Drake conflicted about his choices, or agonizing over the human cost of his experiments could have gone a long way toward making him a worthy adversary. But in Venom he’s just another gleeful baddie looking to mad scientist his way to glory.

And the screenplay is only one issue. Who cast this movie?  Okay, there are a whole lot of big name, big talent actors in this joint. However, to paraphrase Dr. Ian Malcolm, just because you can cast a big name in your movie doesn’t mean you should. As Dr. Dora Skirth, Jenny Slate feels like someone who was cast simply because the creators loved Parks and Recreation. So do I, but please give this gal more to sink her teeth into than this exposition fairy in a lab coat. I kept waiting for her to turn into more than that, and by the look on her face, Slate did too.

And I adore Michelle Williams’ work. She’s absolutely talented, and seems to be an expert at making me grab a Kleenex with her roles in indie film. But her Anne looks stilted, as if she’s not sure how to let her hair down. Things get better in the final quarter of the film, but by then I was already wishing that I was watching her in a drama instead. (That said, I adored a certain scene where she helps reunite Eddie with his alter ego. She was strong-willed, open and awed. More of that, please and thank you.)

But what raised the grade for me? Easy; action and effects. All of the FX in Venom are absolutely breathtaking.  Yeah, so Venom itself looks a little rubbery…but I don’t care. The flow of the symbiote, and the action scenes when V is in full effect are incredibly entertaining. So are the action sequences, especially the first big car chase scene. Somebody loves The French Connection, and it shows in the attention to detail in this chase scene. The pacing, the action, the stunts…they all work.

Then there’s the back-and-forth between Eddie and the symbiote. Venom is hilariously chaotic neutral (shout out to my D&D peeps), and watching Eddie spar with a being that could give absolutely zero about anything but staying alive is a hoot. While Eddie is the only one who can hear what Venom is saying, Hardy’s physicality in these scenes are hilarious, and his Venom-voice is on point. One wafer-thin spoiler: lobsters.  All I’m sayin’.

So what do we have here kids? Fun action, a lead that’s all in, but a story that doesn’t quite know what to do with itself beyond go through the usual paces. A movie where a PG rating just means that any ultraviolence you’ll see is watered way down or cut away from before things get messy, but is still too much for most kids under 13. Much like a host that can’t handle a symbiote, Venom doesn’t quite jell, but it is a wild watch. Grab some popcorn (or better yet, tater tots; trust me on this) and enjoy the destruction.

#Protip: Stay in your seat for the mid-credits scene…but you can skip the post-credits scene unless *cues invisotext* you want to see an ad for Into The Spiderverse. Me? After waiting through the looooooong credits for that?  I wish I’d have gone home after the tantalizing first clip.

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#31in31 2018 – “Office” (2015)

“Who are you?”

Story: A mild mannered Korean salaryman goes home to his family… And slaughters them. Why? Nobody seems to know. Meanwhile, his mercilessly bullied intern stresses about being hired full-time, and a police detective seems to be getting nowhere.

Scares: Some suspense, and a few jump scares.

Splat factor: Blood, but mostly shown in cutaways.

Closing scene “shocker”?: More like a twist. Continue reading →

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